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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to move DD from her nice independent school where she has a scholarship because her brother didn't get offered one?

999 replies

middleschoolmuddle · 07/02/2015 23:23

We are not rich but nor are we poor. The school have offered us a 16% bursary for DS - it's not enough.

Would it be mean to move DD to a state school at this stage (Y9)? Has anyone done this?

I can't think straight, my mind is whirring so I'd love some perspective from those of you that have managed to use the local 'good' state schools and pass up the rather nice (best in County) independent one.

OP posts:
AShiningTiger · 12/02/2015 13:49

Your 'choices' are totally tied up with money.

AShiningTiger · 12/02/2015 13:50

Not just money, but Lots of money

EdSheeran · 12/02/2015 13:51

I'd hate to feel that my choices in life area are about my parents "reaping rewards". That's not why they paid for my private education. They did it for me, not for them.

JudgeRinderSays · 12/02/2015 13:56

I am not sure what benefits you think your dd would get at her school that she wouldn't have had at the Superselective grammar you turned down.

I think you should treat your DC the same . So you are paying 60% of DDs fees + as a minimum extra 2 sets of music lessons which as they are a condition of her scholarship, you should regard as fees.
You sya you ould have been prepared to pay 75% of DS1 fees but not 84%.This seems a bit disingenuous to me , especially as you are not actually paying DDs fees but borrowing them.

You are storing up resentment for the future.

Original poster
middleschoolmuddle · 12/02/2015 13:56

Ed, what rewards do you imagine that I will reap. In 20 years time my greatest wish for my children will no doubt be the same as it is today…that they will be happy.

OP posts:
LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 12/02/2015 13:58

Would you be happy if she was working on the checkout in Tesco?

Original poster
middleschoolmuddle · 12/02/2015 14:02

Is that a trick question Lady? I'd be happier if she was working in Waitrose :)

OP posts:
EdSheeran · 12/02/2015 14:02

Some parents live vicariously through their children.

You were the one who suggested you would reap the rewards in 20 years. What did you mean?

TheWordFactory · 12/02/2015 14:04

Oh please let's not play that middle class game where we are all supposed to be happy if out DC end up in MW work!

My Mum spent a lot of years working on a super market check out; it's shit !

Poor pay, hard work , no respect from customers or management and constant RSI.

LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 12/02/2015 14:04

No, not at all. I know some parents who send their children to a private school because they expect them to end up in high paid jobs. They are seriously upset when things don't work out the way they thought.

BellaBarstool · 12/02/2015 14:07

OP - what you want for them is choice, options, opportunities. With your finances as you describe, bright children , and living in an area with good state schools, I would have thought your best bet would be use the best state schools you have access to and use any money you have to actively support your children at university.

Original poster
middleschoolmuddle · 12/02/2015 14:08

I hope that she will have the choice in 20 years time to do whatever her heart desires, be that stay at home and look after her DC (should she choose to have them) whilst pressing pause on her fulfilling career (should she choose to have one) or maybe she'll be running her own ethically sound business or…, actually, I haven't really given this bit of DD's life much though :)

OP posts:
BellaBarstool · 12/02/2015 14:10

Cross-posted OP but I still hold to my point

Heels99 · 12/02/2015 14:13

Op have you made a decision about moving your dd?

NoGinThanks · 12/02/2015 14:13

I do get it, you want her to have the easy confidence that the world is her oyster and she deserves/is entitled to pursue whatever course she wishes through life.

But I am absolutely sure part of your motivation is wanting to be able to say "well I gave her the best start"; claim mental credit for her successes and no blame for any failures.

Original poster
middleschoolmuddle · 12/02/2015 14:15

I do plan to actively support my children at university (should they chose to go) but that doesn't mean I will pay their tuition fees or buy them a house. I'll make sure they don't starve and that they are safe but I won't be funding an extravagant lifestyle - we don't have one at the moment so I shouldn't imagine they'll be expecting that.

OP posts:
Original poster
middleschoolmuddle · 12/02/2015 14:17

Heels we are not going to move her until 6th form.

OP posts:
TheWordFactory · 12/02/2015 14:18

nogin don't we all want that then?

To be able to sleep soundly knowing we did the best we could got our DC ( as we see it) with the limited gifts God gave us?

Hakluyt · 12/02/2015 14:18

You still haven't said. What choices will she have that my ds won't?

BellaBarstool · 12/02/2015 14:19

Ok - my apologies - either I missed the irony in your post upthread or I haven't RTFT as well as I thought I had. Sorry Blush Grin

Original poster
middleschoolmuddle · 12/02/2015 14:28

Hak, I really don't know is the answer, I have no idea of the choices that your DS has/will have.

If you mean 'how do I know that going to a good independent school will give her more choices than if she went to a state school?', I don't know that either.

Improving chances doesn't necessarily translate into improving choices. I live in hope...

OP posts:
NoGinThanks · 12/02/2015 14:31

There's a difference between doing your best for your children and being smug about over-extending yourself, letting your DC know you're over-extending yourself and asking for their input etc.

It's all a bit well we took you to stately homes.

Hakluyt · 12/02/2015 14:31

But you said that you are impressed by choices. What choices? What do you expect her to get out of the hoops you are currently jumping through?

Southwoldpier · 12/02/2015 14:32

Let's not get carried away here - it's an indie in East Anglia which I know extremely well. It's not in the same league as Westminster, Eton and that ilk. The vast majority are day pupils. It is the most academic school in the region but let's face it, if you had REAL money and some knowledge of UK schooling, you would not be choosing this particular school (Top 200 UK indie) over maybe a Top 10 UK indie which is incidentally where my cousin(expat) is considering sending her pfb.

TalkinPeace · 12/02/2015 14:35

Having been to private school, as did all of my siblings, both of my parents and all four of my grandparents .....

I am quite happy that sending my children to state school will not impact on their life chances.

Because in the hours that they are not in lessons I do my job as a parent to put them in the right head space to succeed in life.

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