to move DD from her nice independent school where she has a scholarship because her brother didn't get offered one?

[middleschoolmuddle]

We are not rich but nor are we poor. The school have offered us a 16% bursary for DS - it's not enough.

Would it be mean to move DD to a state school at this stage (Y9)? Has anyone done this?

I can't think straight, my mind is whirring so I'd love some perspective from those of you that have managed to use the local 'good' state schools and pass up the rather nice (best in County) independent one.

I did not enjoy my school.
The teaching was bad. The bullying was rife. Lots of us ended up failing exams. The facilities were pretty poor, the options available very limited.
I vowed not to put my kids through the same thing.

My school was a private girls selective in London.

I believe the common factor we share is less the type of school than the fact that we were at school in the late 70's and early 80's which was not a good time in Education
(experimental comps and ex direct grant and abolished grammars and acceptance of intergenerational relationships that would make DM headlines now)
we all have to remember that the way schools are run - and held accountable by the interweb - has changed massively
in both private and state sectors.

My disastrous headmistress would never have got ANY of the jobs she landed had there been decent information sharing.

Indeed talkin many schools in both sectors have changed massively.

My old school is in no way as bad as it was (I have young family members there) but it's still not where I'd want my own DC to go IYSWIM.

We all do what we can to get the very best for our DC (as we see it and value it - very subjective of course). And perhaps we're the first generation of parents who place huge emphasis on day-to-day experience as well as outcome?

We all make choices on behalf of our DC. And those choices grow exponentially if one also has a fat wallet.

The difficulties arise when we want those choices without the fat wallet. We see others having it for their DC and it stings. This is natural.

Our reactions to those will be interesting.

The difficulties arise when we want those choices without the fat wallet. We see others having it for their DC and it stings. This is natural.
I guess I'm odd then as I'm not that fussed about other people's wealth per se.
Probably because I was the poorest one at my vehy posh primary school by a long way but still doing OK in life now.

I'm not loaded like many on MN, but I'm utterly debt free with a decent savings buffer and happy kids and a happy marriage. Those will do for me for now.

Really interesting post talkinpeace. You have hit the nail on the head.

The 70s and 80s really was a dreadful time in education. I think by the time I was at secondary school (late 80s and early 90s) things were beginning to improve slowly but the rot was so entrenched it proved very difficult to cut out.

As for my own DC, they are at a state primary at the moment. It's lovely and they are happy. I hope they continue to feel that way, becasue if they don't I imagine it would be to find oneself in the OP's situation.

TheWord makes a very good observation with "And perhaps we're the first generation of parents who place huge emphasis on day-to-day experience as well as outcome?".

I had never thought about that before, but it seems so true!

talkin I find it very easy not to look at what I've got as opposed to others. Quite the opposite. I have to stop myself doing cartwheels most days, perhaps because I had so very little as a child.

I could never have dreamed I would end up so comfortable. Fan-bloody-tastic.

But when it comes to my DC I find my equilibrium sometimes deserts me. Not so much vis a vis material things, but certainly educationally. If something is out there, I want my DC to have it.

theforce yes, I find myself very interested in my DC's daily experiences.

Not that I want them to live in a magical fairy land. Or that I don't want them to experience any difficulties or challenges. More that I want their day-to-day life to be positive if that makes sense.

I'm as certain as I can be that my DC would have been OK at our local schools. They're bright bunnies, we live in a nice neighbourhood, DH and I are are pretty well educated and have enough free time to help out etc...

I just wanted more for them. Greedy, perhaps.

And we have the cash so it would seem churlish not to.

Wordfactory
If something is out there, I want my DC to have it.
But that is because you know that you have the means to seek out pretty much anything.
Most of the rest of us do not have, and would never be able to get, those means so choose not to rip ourselves up about it.

I wish and expect my children to excel. I give them all the opportunities I can. But I am not willing to go into debt to do so, as that is short sighted.

No I understand that.

And if we didn't have the money I would like to think I would be sensible.

But there's a part of me that thinks I might be like the OP. Determined to get it for my DC. Though, as I said upthread, I'm pretty certain I would find a way to earn the money.

That's the interesting direction this thread could go. How to earn some decent money when you are a middle aged woman who is educated but with a stale CV from years of under/no employment due to "caring" responsibilities.
I would welcome constructive suggestions myself.

I disagree that lots of money is the key to accessing the best education opportunities. It really depends which country you are in and what you want your DC to do and achieve.

Only last night DP had dinner with an old friend of his who has probably spent more on his daughters' education than anyone we know. Are those daughters better educated than any other DC we know? Absolutely not. In fact, they are probably among the least well educated.

Thank you for your lovely measured post theforce. I'm not worried about how well my DC will do in terms of getting the required exams to move on with the next stage of their lives. They'll most likely be fine whatever school they go to.

When I try to qualify to myself what we are trying to do for them, all the corny metaphors come spilling out - I want to give them a leg up, I want to help them to leapfrog over some of the pitfalls I encountered, I want to catapult them on to a different trajectory than our backgrounds might dictate for them.

That is not to say that I am in any way ashamed of where I have come from, nor am I proud of myself and what I have achieved (my best friend keeps telling me I should be). But, my view of the world, whilst a lot broader than my neighbourhood friends' really wasn't that broad. I've done most of my learning about life in the last few years despite having a few degrees and a professional qualification and having moved to a different country (albeit it a nearby one).

Sure, I can pass on a lot of what I know to my DC but then they'll only see it through my lens. And maybe an education at an independent school that oozes pride in itself and good taste in pretty much all it does won't offer them the best springboard to a 'richer' life (another corny metaphor) but I have to hope that it might.

[I don't mean money rich].

Oh bonsoir another 'friend' whose parenting you don't rate? .

Of course the term 'well educated' is entirely subjective. What you include in such a definition, won't be what I include and what anyone else on this thread would include would probably be different.

How to earn some decent money when you are a middle aged woman who is educated but with a stale CV from years of under/no employment due to "caring" responsibilities.

Toomany, I have spent far too much time thinking about this and despite the internet and free access to much information I still feel under resourced - I'm wondering if it is my own lack of cultural capital that is holding me back.

Is this the private school confidence argument OP? I can see your point on it tbh.

I do not rate parents who spend a fortune to insulate their DC from life's vicissitudes

Fair enough bonsoir.

It's just that I don't think I've ever seen you post anything positive about the children of your 'friends'.

They're always unhappy/underachieving/suffering mental issues ( insert problem du jour ).

I wonder though, how does one protect ones child so well? Do they not leave the house?

Things I have thought about include (but are not limited to):

tutoring - set up my own website a few years ago and paid for hosting (as you did back then), had moderate success but ultimately I found it 'boring' although the money was nice.

writing apps - learnt how to program in Objective C and created some simple stuff but soon realised that I wouldn't be able to compete with what was out there.

starting a business - I've done things like writing down 10 business ideas everyday, registered on start-up websites, follow inspirational people on twitter etc. and tons and tons of reading.

educational project work - this seems to be the area that I have had most success in although it is not very lucrative (or I haven't worked out yet how to make it so).

I know an awful lot of people, TheWordFactory. One of the virtues of having had many lives. Their stories interest me.

There is a life out there that lots of money can buy that really involves hardly any interaction with anything outside expensive houses in expensive areas, expensive schools, expensive shops, expensive holiday resorts and exclusive sports clubs/activities.

Another perspective - I went to a school which was probably regarded (by some) as the best / one of the best in our area. Most people achieved excellent exam results and we all left school with good table manners and knew how to arrange flowers and talk to our elders

However, there was no effort to accommodate children who were not high academic ability. Their parents were discreetly encouraged to consider moving to other schools, presumably because they were lowering the exam results. Every step of the way, we were led to understand that we were superior to the rest of the population. It was a terrible attitude and definitely not a school I would wish my child to attend

There is a life out there that lots of money can buy that really involves hardly any interaction with anything outside expensive houses in expensive areas, expensive schools, expensive shops, expensive holiday resorts and exclusive sports clubs/activities.

Isn't this a portrait of your life Bonsoir?

Out of interest, what's educational project work, middle? Apologies if this is very dense of me and everyone else knows! But I'm curious.

Absolutely not.

mornington, in my case it has involved things like writing a professional learning resource for teachers in SSA, creating and contributing to an interactive teaching database, consulting on research projects in my field etc.

Fair enough Bonsoir, apologies for getting it wrong. I'm glad I asked, as this is most definitely what comes across to me from what I've seen you post. But I guess MN only offers a snapshot of a person's life.

Rather than describing what you did, middleschoolmuddle, you should probably illustrate what you achieved.