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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to move DD from her nice independent school where she has a scholarship because her brother didn't get offered one?

999 replies

middleschoolmuddle · 07/02/2015 23:23

We are not rich but nor are we poor. The school have offered us a 16% bursary for DS - it's not enough.

Would it be mean to move DD to a state school at this stage (Y9)? Has anyone done this?

I can't think straight, my mind is whirring so I'd love some perspective from those of you that have managed to use the local 'good' state schools and pass up the rather nice (best in County) independent one.

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StackladysMorphicResonator · 07/02/2015 23:57

YABVU! Why would you penalise your DD because her brother isn't as academic? If you do this it will drive a wedge between your DD and your DS, as well as making her resent you when she's older.

Don't do it.

ChippingInGluggingOn · 08/02/2015 00:01

No, tbh, I can't see why your head is spinning,

I don't think it's fair to have told DD that the options are moving OR staying at her school. That's a lot of pressure to put her under.

An awful lot seems to revolve around your DS. Where your DD goes to school and where you live.

DD did well and got a scholarship...all runs smoothly until her brother fails to get a scholarship then all of a sudden it's 'not fair' she's going there, you might move to make it easier for DS, but you sell DD on the idea of moving into town and having less of a commute...at the cost of her education.

paddyclampo · 08/02/2015 00:02

Unless I've seriously missed the punchline here, YABVU!!!! How can you treat your DD like this? Disgraceful! Surely this is a windup?

Original poster
middleschoolmuddle · 08/02/2015 00:02

Nancy, that is another option, although the town where her school is is not as nice as our more local one.

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Original poster
middleschoolmuddle · 08/02/2015 00:07

paddy, sadly this is not a wind up. We wouldn't do any of this without DD agreeing. She feels bad that her brother didn't get a scholarship and she likes the idea of moving to a nice town. She also says that she will be OK with moving schools but I suspect that she is just saying what she thinks we want to hear.

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saoirse31 · 08/02/2015 00:07

Well its clear whose important here and it's not your dd. yabu. very.

morethanpotatoprints · 08/02/2015 00:08

Why not move in 2 years when dd completes school before 6th form.
It sounds like you want to move and are talking dd into it.
I can't understand why you can't send both to the same school, can you not cut back a bit for a couple of years. Then dd will be finished and the money you have spent on her education could go for ds.
Maybe extend your mortgage or get a loan?

nightswift · 08/02/2015 00:08

To be honest i think you were a bit naive sending her to private school when you knew you couldn't afford to send her brother too.

I can afford one lot of school fees but not two - so I won't be sending my DC1 as i know there is no money for DC2 and it wouldn't be fair. However you have already done this, so it does seem cruel to take your DD out - though she shouldn't really have started in the first place imo!

FightOrFlight · 08/02/2015 00:08

Is there any room for negotiation with the school re bursary? If 25% is doable for you financially then it might be worth speaking to the school.

I dont think your daughter's education should be disrupted at this point, that would be very unfair.

PtolemysNeedle · 08/02/2015 00:12

You really have created quite a shitstorm here! If you're paying for one child, it would be fair fir you to pay for them both.

While it would still be mean to move your dd, it's also quite mean for you to pay for your dd but not your ds.

morethanpotatoprints · 08/02/2015 00:12

How much difference in cash is the extra 9%? Surely it can't be that much?

Original poster
middleschoolmuddle · 08/02/2015 00:12

Another option is to move to the not nice town where DD's school is, downsize and pay for DS to go. School is selective and he made the cut so has a place.

Also, DS could stay at his middle school for another year and hopefully transfer to DD's school for Y8. That way we would save a year of fees. There is the possibility that I could get a job in the meantime and we won't be quite so hard up by then.

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LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 08/02/2015 00:15

Go back to the bursar and see if there's a little more in the pot. It is OK to have one child in a state school and one in a private, you match the school to the child. Are you able to work a little more to free up some more cash?

PeachyParisian · 08/02/2015 00:15

She will likely not forgive you, my DM did this because my Dsis wasn't offered a place (let alone a full bursary as i had been) I had to move school 4 years in.
I'm still not happy about it TBH and it was nearly a decade ago.

Italiangreyhound · 08/02/2015 00:20

I agree with FightOrFlight, negotiate with the school if you can. I also ...dont think your daughter's education should be disrupted at this point, that would be very unfair.

Good luck.

Original poster
middleschoolmuddle · 08/02/2015 00:21

FightOrFlight, we wouldn't be able to negotiate more unfortunately.

It was only barely doable with 25% so the extra 9% really does make a difference cumulatively, especially as we are paying by increasing our mortgage payments.

One reason why we have so little cash is that we have the huge costs of commuting (3*250 per term for each DC plus any additional petrol when picking up late) and also that they have expensive music lessons and school dinners. Oh and I have another younger DC who has school dinners and music lessons. Then there's swimming lessons etc etc.

What's that they say about champagne taste??

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Original poster
middleschoolmuddle · 08/02/2015 00:26

We won't be able to negotiate as my DH earns quite a good salary (60K). Unfortunately it's not enough to keep 2 kids at private school without substantial help. DD has done well with her scholarships and my gut feeling would be to let her stay put but DH is growing weary of it all.

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ChippingInGluggingOn · 08/02/2015 00:28

Yes. It's hard to afford private school if only one parent is working.

You have put your DD in an awful position. How could you?

DeanKoontz · 08/02/2015 00:29

You have a third child too!

You can't afford this. Leave dd where she is and send ds to the State School.

I'm a bit shocked you sent your first child to a school you clearly couldn't afford with 2 other children to consider.

I'd think about cutting back on all the costly lessons too.

ChippingInGluggingOn · 08/02/2015 00:30

Sorry, but tough fucking luck if DH is 'growing weary of it all'.

You and he chose for her to go though, it's a disgrace you have now put her in this situation. The pair of you need to sort yourselves out.

Stop making it clear how much of a drain it is on your finances and how much more you value your DS.

Snapespotions · 08/02/2015 00:30

Sounds like you should have thought all of this through more carefully before sending your dd to an expensive school in the first place!

FightOrFlight · 08/02/2015 00:31

I think the only answer then is to move.

Cut down on both mortgage and commuting costs, also try and get a part-time job even if it's low paid as everything will help towards costs.

Unexpected · 08/02/2015 00:34

Why did you ever start on this road??? You have three children and the only way you can afford private education for even the first one is to add the fees on to your mortgage i.e. you can't actually afford it at all! Nowhere have you said that state school options around you are unsuitable so what is the whole deal about privately educating your children? You don't have the money for it - end of.

fluffymouse · 08/02/2015 00:38

It would be extremely mean to move dd in a school where she is settled with a network of friends. You chose to send her there initially, knowing that you had younger DC who may not get the same financial help.

Can you release extra equity from your home?

Original poster
middleschoolmuddle · 08/02/2015 00:42

Yes Chipping, we do need to sort ourselves out, but none of this was done without much thinking. Along with the thinking there was much hoping. Firstly we hoped that DS would get a place at a superselective grammar but he just missed out on that. Then we hoped he would get a scholarship and he missed out on that. So we hoped he would get a bursary and he did but just not enough. Now we have other options, one of which is keeping DD where she is. I am still thinking, thinking, thinking, DH on the other hand has given up and gone to bed…

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