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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

help me quickly! my DD (24) has just asked who her dad is and im running out of excuses

138 replies

lemisscared · 05/02/2015 21:43

I dont know what to do!! Total bombshell. She just asked, out of the blue, has never asked before although she reckons she has, i have no recall of it, ever.

She is on facebook now, talking to me and i dont knwo what to do.

I was 19, he was 21, there was a muddle up with dates and he denied paternity and never had anything to do with her. Never paid a penny etc.

Fuck

Help

OP posts:
inchoccyheaven · 05/02/2015 21:44

Tell her the truth why would you not ?

DeliciousMonster · 05/02/2015 21:44

Why do you need help to tell her the truth?

Oh ok - tell her the truth.

Original poster
lemisscared · 05/02/2015 21:45

My DP has been her "dad" since she was about 7 when he moved in with us although we have been together since she was 2. Their relationship was ok, but not really brilliant - her father figure was my dad.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 05/02/2015 21:45

Tell her the truth.

Paddleslowly · 05/02/2015 21:45

Tell her the truth she is 24 and could handle it. You sound like your tying yourself up in knots. Her reaction may not be as bad as you think.

Suefla62 · 05/02/2015 21:46

Tell her the truth. It should never have come to this.

BlackeyedSusan · 05/02/2015 21:46

I was 19, he was 21, there was a muddle up with dates and he denied paternity and never had anything to do with her.

^^tell her this.

you can add his name though.

Fairenuff · 05/02/2015 21:46

She deserves to know.

gamerchick · 05/02/2015 21:46

She's asked and has a right to know. But also tell her the circumstance around it all and you'll support her in any choices she makes.

Original poster
lemisscared · 05/02/2015 21:46

Why would i not? because if she wants to trace him, the chances are he wont want to know and i dont want her to get hurt

OP posts:
DeanKoontz · 05/02/2015 21:47

Time for honesty. But face to face, not via facebook. Do you know anything of his whereabouts now?

Fairenuff · 05/02/2015 21:47

You will hurt her by not telling OP.

SukieTuesday · 05/02/2015 21:47

You could tell her it isn't a conversation for Facebook, arrange to call her tomorrow and buy yourself a little time? The truth sounds like the best option.

fatlazymummy · 05/02/2015 21:48

Lem, you have to tell her the truth. Even if it hurts.
My Mum never knew who her father was ,and it haunted her for her whole life.

Haffdonga · 05/02/2015 21:48

Say what you said here.

I was 19, he was 21, there was a muddle up with dates and he denied paternity and never had anything to do with her. Never paid a penny etc.

Why would you not? Confused

ajandjjmum · 05/02/2015 21:48

I know you want to protect her, but she has a right to know what information you have. And she can then choose what to do with it.

Your job now is to support her in her decision.

Flowers
Paddleslowly · 05/02/2015 21:48

I can understand that you don't want her to get hurt but surely at her age that is up to her.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/02/2015 21:48

You just have to tell her the truth, and support her if she does want to trace him. She is an adult and has a right to the truth.

Shakirasma · 05/02/2015 21:49

She has a right to know, she NEEDS to know and that's why she's asking.

Please don't lie. I know you want to protect her but lies and deceit is not the right way to do it.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 05/02/2015 21:49

How has she got to this age without knowing? She has every right to know both her parents so you need to tell her the truth.

McSqueezy · 05/02/2015 21:50

She's a grown woman. Just tell her the truth, it's quite simple.

chinam · 05/02/2015 21:51

You owe her the truth. Tell her what you know. The rest is up to her. Good luck.

SilentBob · 05/02/2015 21:52

Honestly? Tell her.

She's 24, I would wager she has been thinking about this for a very long time, probably won't give up asking and may end up cross with you if you don't tell her the truth. I know you want to protect her, but you can- by explaining that you're worried he won't want anything to do with her but that you're there for her if/when this happens.

Truth and support, lem, is the way forward.

Good luck.

Original poster
lemisscared · 05/02/2015 21:52

have told her what i have said here, but i dont want to make the wrong decision. Its got to this stage because she has never asked.

OP posts:
Hassled · 05/02/2015 21:52

What everyone else has said. Put yourself in her shoes - of course you'd want to know the truth. And 24 years have passed - her father may well have changed.

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