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AIBU?

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Original poster

help me quickly! my DD (24) has just asked who her dad is and im running out of excuses

138 replies

lemisscared · 05/02/2015 21:43

I dont know what to do!! Total bombshell. She just asked, out of the blue, has never asked before although she reckons she has, i have no recall of it, ever.

She is on facebook now, talking to me and i dont knwo what to do.

I was 19, he was 21, there was a muddle up with dates and he denied paternity and never had anything to do with her. Never paid a penny etc.

Fuck

Help

OP posts:
Penguinsaresmall · 05/02/2015 21:52

Had experience of this myself and tbh I'm struggling to understand how she's got to 24 without asking before...

But all you do is tell her the truth, all of it.

Coyoacan · 05/02/2015 21:52

She'll probably be relieved. When I saw your title I thought that she was the product of rape or something like that, which one really would not want to tell anyone ever.

Ans she must have already noticed that he is not that interested in her.

TheBuskersDog · 05/02/2015 21:52

Surely in the last 24 years you've had time to think about what to tell her?

I'm amazed it took this long, I think I'd have been waiting for her to ask about her father for the last 15 years or so.

PtolemysNeedle · 05/02/2015 21:53

If there was a muddle up with dates, are you sure you know for definite who her father is?

PuffinsAreFictitious · 05/02/2015 21:54

Please tell her, as someone else has said, she may well feel relieved that he's not a murderer, just a feckless git.

Also, as pp have said, tell her face to face, and if she would like you to, help her to trace him. He might well reject her, but he might not.

awfulomission · 05/02/2015 21:54

Do tell her. She's well and truly an adult now and has every right to know.

Viviennemary · 05/02/2015 21:55

I can absolutely understand why you don't want to tell her. Imagine if she traced him and he wanted nothing to do with her . That would be a nightmare. I think what I said would depend on how easy I thought he was to track down. It's going to be very difficult if he wanted nothing to do with her all these years ago. Of course he might have had a change of heart. Would you think of contacting him first to see his reaction to spare her being hurt.

apostropheuse · 05/02/2015 21:55

She's a twenty-four year old woman, who has a right to know who her father is. You need to tell her and then be ready to offer her whatever support she needs.

If she says she's already asked you, she probably has. It's something she would remember - especially if she's frustrated that she's not been able to get an answer. She's no reason to invent that statement really. Perhaps you've avoided answering her with the best, albeit ill-judged, intentions.

I agree with a previous poster though; don't tell her on Facebook, either meet her in person, or if she's too far away then phone her to tell her.

EatShitDerek · 05/02/2015 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yourallmyfavourite · 05/02/2015 21:56

You need to tell her the truth, all of it.

I had my first dd at 16. Her dad is a lying waste of space who has never seen her or paid a penny maintenance.
She's 17 and I've told her when she is 18 I will give her all the information I have (I have kept track of him and his different surnames over the years) and if she wants a relationship with him that is up to her.

I have warned her she will be disappointed and that me and her step dad love her more than anyone ever would, but she needs to know him for her

And we will be there to pick up the pieces as im sure you will be

Horrible situation to be in Flowers

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 05/02/2015 21:56

Keeping the truth from her might seem kind to you but it is incredibly cruel

Can you imagine not knowing the truth of your paternity, your history but knowing other people do?

If she decides to find him that is her choice and if he does reject her it might hurt her, but she will cope and it is her right to choose

Nancy66 · 05/02/2015 21:56

what does a 'muddle up with dates' mean?

OddBoots · 05/02/2015 21:56

She's older than you were when you had to deal with it all, assuming no additional needs she is old enough to know and to be able to process that and the possible consequences. If she is asking she feels ready to know so you should trust her.

Haffdonga · 05/02/2015 21:57

You don't want her to get hurt? You are hurting her more by keeping the truth from her.

I'm sure she's imagining far worse than anything you could tell her. She knows he's had nothing to do with her. That's not going to be news.

Ridingthestorm · 05/02/2015 21:57

Tell her the truth. Simple. She is 24, a big girl and deserves to know who her biological father is. She may get hurt, but your job is not to protect her from getting hurt but to support her with what life throws at her.

You will end up digging a deeper hole if you don't and the longer you leave it, the more she will resent you.

Original poster
lemisscared · 05/02/2015 21:57

Thats the thing isn't it, what if its on a whim? Then i tell her and she can't un know it can she

OP posts:
MrsMook · 05/02/2015 21:57

Another tell the truth.

For my first 27 years, I hadn't seen so much as a photo of my father before our first contact. For many years, just knowing a name was enough. It turned out he regretted not being involved in my life, and now I have a positive relationship with him and my paternal family. On the other hand the vitriol that my mother maintained all that time (in conjunction with other issues) has cost our relationship dearly. The main damage being that she didn't trust me as an independent woman. It was my own risk to get in touch and I chose a stable time in my life to expose myself to that risk, but it was something I had to do for myself.

jessym · 05/02/2015 21:57

Your daughter is an adult. She has the right to know who her father is, and you have a duty to be honest and tell her the truth.

betweenmarchandmay · 05/02/2015 21:58

Does she actually know him?

As otherwise all you're giving her is a name, surely?

Vivacia · 05/02/2015 21:59

Have you done this over Facebook?

Original poster
lemisscared · 05/02/2015 22:00

nancy - the muddle up with dates was that i was told i wasn't pregnant and as my periods were so erratic at that time i didn't find out i was pregnant properly until i was 20 weeks, by that time we had finished our relationship and also because of my irregular periods it was difficult to give a date. The date i was told was early for when we got together but he was definately the father.

OP posts:
IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 05/02/2015 22:00

A whim? Do you really think wanting to know the truth of your birth and your history is something you do on a whim?

She should never have had to ask, you should have told her right from the start. Children can cope with so much, it's the secrecy and lies that hurt them

PenguinSalute · 05/02/2015 22:00

She's an adult and she has a right to that info. I get that you're saying he may hurt her, but you'll be there to pick up the pieces. Her constant, her mum. I'd wager that if you don't tell her, it'll damage your relationship for good, and that seems a whole lot more hurtful for her tbh.

MrsMook · 05/02/2015 22:00

I also took the view point that I had nothing to lose. He hadn't been a part of my life before, there was just that chance of filling some gaps that I had in my life.

HennaFlare · 05/02/2015 22:01

Does she know him/know of him already? Or will he be a completely new acquaintance?