help me quickly! my DD (24) has just asked who her dad is and im running out of excuses

[lemisscared]

I dont know what to do!! Total bombshell. She just asked, out of the blue, has never asked before although she reckons she has, i have no recall of it, ever.

She is on facebook now, talking to me and i dont knwo what to do.

I was 19, he was 21, there was a muddle up with dates and he denied paternity and never had anything to do with her. Never paid a penny etc.

Fuck

Help

Just wondering OP, did your DD actually know your DH isn't her genetic father?

Otherwise I struggle to understand how she has got to the age of 24 without asking about him tbh.

And I agree with all the posters who said it probably should have been you who started the conversation with her a lot earlier, when she was a young child.

But it's done now and I think you did the right thing giving your adult daughter the truth about her genetic father.

I found this very interesting, OP, because when he was 20 my DS had a son in what sounds like very similar circumstances. Though he supported the child financially, by mutual agreement he did not participate in the child's upbringing.

A couple of years ago the child , now a young man, contacted him. They met for a drink, DS brought his son to meet us, he was introduced to DS's young children.

It has been the most life enhancing experience for all of us. Though I was aware of our grandson's existence, I had never met him and it was always a huge hole in my life. His little half siblings adore him, he dotes on them, DS is like a dog with two tails. We see a lot of him, he is now just part of the family, as of course he should be.

Inevitably there us a downside. His mum does not want to meet us, and I can understand that, his stepfather apparently finds the situation particularly hard to deal with. They both have made a fantastic job of bringing up our DGS, and I think his step-dad feels he has been hijacked by us.

I hope your situation resolves itself happily.

Well done OP.
I suspect that children don't ask in this situation because they want to protect their parent/step-parent. Just asking probably feels like a betrayal. Doesn't mean they don't spend their entire adolescence wondering and filling in the blanks with all sorts of awful possibilities and wondering how each one might affect who they really are. It is a bit of a conspiracy of silence on both sides, however well-intended.

You did the right thing. My mum is adopted and my Nanna pretended she didn't know who the BM was when my Mum first asked. A few years later mum managed to trace her BM herself but she had already died. If my Nanna had volunteered the information the first time around my a mum would have found her while she was still alive. My Mum NEVER forgave her adopted mum.

Wish had seen this earlier.
I am exactly like your DD with regards to my dad. And when my mum told me it wasnt a big deal either. I would have told you not to worry too much.

You did the right thing. Someone close to me got to the age of 30 before they plucked up the courage to ask their mother who their father was, it was something like your story originally - nothing sinister, just no contact or support from bio dad. It's a huge, huge thing not to know who your father is. The mother in question had no idea how much it meant to her child because there had been no questions, but the reason there were no questions was that there was a sense of fear and taboo; children often pick up on the negative vibe from their mother and are afraid to ask. Best wishes to you and your daughter.

Oh and by the way... Tom Baker!!! Hope you agree

I actually am loving peter capaldi, tom baker comes a close second x

Well that's ok then. My dd can never quite decide (and she is obsessed with it) who is her favourite but she likes Peter Capaldi too. Tom Baker was the one when I was a child so he's the best for me!

Hope you're feeling ok today.

For Fucking Fuck's Sake

If the woman is asking over facebook, she wants to know over facebook. Don't advise the OP to wait until a "face-to-face conversation". Imagine if it was you asking after 24 years. How would you feel? Fobbed off, is how!

OP, don't take it on yourself to interfere by contacting him on your own account without asking your daughter first. You say you don't want to "lose" your daughter? Then answer her bloody question, promptly without shilly-shallying.

Cross post in my panic. Sorry!

lem you have done the right thing and I can completely understand why it has taken your DD until 24 to ask questions about her father (and why you didn't tell her until she asked). My best friend's DM had an affair with a married man who then stayed with his wife and didn't want any contact with BF. BF knew a few details about her father (married, has other kids) but never knew his name or where he lived. She is in her 40's now and has never asked her DM about him because she is scared of upsetting her DM / feels responsible for her DM's feelings.

What her DM doesn't know is that BF met her bio father a few years ago after tracking him down herself. She met him once out of curiosity, didn't particularly like him and has had no contact since (her choice). BF is glad she did it but wanted nothing more from it. At least you know about your DD's curiosity, she trusts you and you can be there for her no matter what happens in the future.

Hope it all works out for the best.

This is a difficult one, but at least you know the truth. Everyone has a right to know who their parents are.

My gs 2 who lives with me is eight years old and does not know his dad or who he is. Only my dd supposedly knows. He said to me a few weeks ago that he thought his daddy was searching for him, but may have died on the way. This is so terribly sad but does go to show that from an early age young children are wondering about their situation. She will have been thinking about this on and off for a number of years but perhaps been wary of asking you. As a child of adoptive parents, I can confirm this is generally the case.

Just tell her what you have said here but be prepared for her asking for his name and looking for him. You will want to protect her, but she is an adult now.