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Original poster

help me quickly! my DD (24) has just asked who her dad is and im running out of excuses

138 replies

lemisscared · 05/02/2015 21:43

I dont know what to do!! Total bombshell. She just asked, out of the blue, has never asked before although she reckons she has, i have no recall of it, ever.

She is on facebook now, talking to me and i dont knwo what to do.

I was 19, he was 21, there was a muddle up with dates and he denied paternity and never had anything to do with her. Never paid a penny etc.

Fuck

Help

OP posts:
BMW6 · 05/02/2015 22:27

WTF - No, don't contact him!!!!

Mylittlepotofjoy · 05/02/2015 22:28

I'm not sure what the right thing to do is but wanted to send you a big hug . It's not easy being a parent . I do know you won't loose your daughter by being honest though . Your her mum and she loves you no matter what

Nerf · 05/02/2015 22:29

Has it never occurred to you she might want to know? Too late now but much better to have always had this knowledge as part of her story.
What doesn't she know? His name? The relationship you had? Get over to her and tell her as soon as possible.

lunar1 · 05/02/2015 22:30

If she asked over facebook then tell her over facebook. That is obviously how she feels comfortable. Don't contact him. Ask your daughter what she wants.

EBearhug · 05/02/2015 22:30

It's not something to tell on FB. While she may risk getting hurt if she tries to trace him, she's also going to be hurt if you refuse to tell her.

She's grown up. She will be able to handle it. You can tell her he's always denied it, has never contributed and will not want to be traced, but she should have the name.

Original poster
lemisscared · 05/02/2015 22:31

she wants to contact him? so i just tell her? she wants me to tell her now? I am so scared

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 05/02/2015 22:31

Why on earth would you contact him ,just give your daughter the information you have and let her do what she wants to do .

Mehitabel6 · 05/02/2015 22:34

I can't see the big deal. You have had 24yrs to know she would want the information. Just tell her- there is no need to get involved unless she wants you to.

LindyHemming · 05/02/2015 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RubyFlint · 05/02/2015 22:38

I still think face to face. There will be so many questions that follow and you can't hug here/ see her reaction on facebook.

morethanpotatoprints · 05/02/2015 22:38

You have to tell her the truth, take it from me if you don't she will never forgive you.
She will only be hurt if you don't tell her.
Its hard when people ask you who you take after and you want to know your roots and there's a huge person you can't account for.
Get off fb straight away and make a time asap to meet and talk.
The truth rarely hurts as much as deceit or secrets.
Phew.

DioneTheDiabolist · 05/02/2015 22:38

Tell her who he is.
Tell her what you know about him now.
Let her decide what to do.
Be there to support her after.

Don't do it on FB.

NorwaySpruce · 05/02/2015 22:38

Jesus Christ, she's 24. You have no right to have kept this information from her.

The second she asks, that's when you have to tell (although it would have been easier and fairer all round if she'd grown up with the truth)

Otherwise it's just some fucked up power trip you're on. And don't mess about contacting him yourself - you have no right to do that. Let your daughter sort things out with her father.

It couldn't be less about you.

RubyFlint · 05/02/2015 22:39

Sorry I meant hug her, not here

Bananayellow · 05/02/2015 22:40

This isn't about you and is no reflection on you. It's about your dd and what she wants to do. Be guided by her and pick up the pieces if necessary. You can say you will support her in whatever she chooses to do but she must be aware that there is a good chance he might not want to know. As a pp said above do not say "I told you so" if it does go tits up. Just reassure her that you love her regardless of what happens.

RubyFlint · 05/02/2015 22:43

What dione said

Original poster
lemisscared · 05/02/2015 22:44

arggh, she is going mad wanting to be told now on facebook
maybe she is more comfortable with that? it just feels wrong

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 05/02/2015 22:46

Could you ring her and tell her over the phone?

homebythesea · 05/02/2015 22:46

If you are "talking" on FB what is stopping you picking up the phone? Surely talking is better?

Mehitabel6 · 05/02/2015 22:47

You obviously haven't found a way that feels 'right' in the last 24 yrs so either go with it or arrange a time to see her face to face and tell her.

RubyFlint · 05/02/2015 22:48

Can you speak on the phone with her now?

Trickydecision · 05/02/2015 22:50

Why Facebook? If she is too far away to meet up, why can't you talk to her on the phone? Far better.

EatShitDerek · 05/02/2015 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

duchesse · 05/02/2015 22:51

She's 24. Unless there are other circumstances (eg severe mental health issues or other problems) then she's old enough to know the truth. Treat her like the adult she is, and let her make her own decisions with the information you give her. Tell her the truth. Why do anything else?

Trickydecision · 05/02/2015 22:51

Four cross posts!

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