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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

help me quickly! my DD (24) has just asked who her dad is and im running out of excuses

138 replies

lemisscared · 05/02/2015 21:43

I dont know what to do!! Total bombshell. She just asked, out of the blue, has never asked before although she reckons she has, i have no recall of it, ever.

She is on facebook now, talking to me and i dont knwo what to do.

I was 19, he was 21, there was a muddle up with dates and he denied paternity and never had anything to do with her. Never paid a penny etc.

Fuck

Help

OP posts:
Original poster
lemisscared · 05/02/2015 22:52

she doesn't want me to call her :(

OP posts:
DeliciousMonster · 05/02/2015 22:52

She is older than you were when you had her...just tell the truth.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 05/02/2015 22:52

Tell her who he is and let her deal with it. Shes a grown woman now.

All you need to do after that is hug her if it goes wrong.

You have no right to hide it from her when she asks.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 05/02/2015 22:56

Bit different, but I'm adopted, as are my 2 siblings.

I was 18 when I asked my parents for details of my birth parents, my Mum outright refused to tell me anything as she didn't think it would be good for me.

As a result, I had to search my birth parents out independently, didn't feel able to talk to them about it, and they are unhappy every time I mention it. They don't even know that I have met my birth mother as I couldn't handle the outrage.

On the other side, my siblings (30 and 37) have never even asked about their birth parents. So I can understand that she hadn't mentioned it so far.

Haffdonga · 05/02/2015 22:59

Time to do it then, Lem.

Nothing you say can be worse than saying nothing.

Original poster
lemisscared · 05/02/2015 23:00

Ive told her :(

OP posts:
RubyFlint · 05/02/2015 23:00

You know you must tell her. The question is whether to tell her on fb. You know her better than anyone, what's your gut feeling on it?

Arsenic · 05/02/2015 23:03

You did the right (only) thing.

It will be okay.

duchesse · 05/02/2015 23:05

Good decision. Well done.

RubyFlint · 05/02/2015 23:06

Sorry cross post lem

Seems you had little choice, I hope you're both ok. X

CountingThePennies · 05/02/2015 23:06

Your making this into a massive deal when really its a none issue

Original poster
lemisscared · 05/02/2015 23:09

counting the pennies, i hope you are right, i asked her if she is ok and she said shes fine and doesn't feel any different, shes added him on facebook Shock I hope to god that if its the right person (isn't it weird i can't be sure!) well it was 24 years ago! that he doesn't ignore her :(

OP posts:
Original poster
lemisscared · 05/02/2015 23:10

to be fair, she just told me to stop being a twat with my worrying so maybe its ok? it will be ok wont it?

OP posts:
Mouldypineapple · 05/02/2015 23:11

I can understand how you feel. I didn't tell my dd about her biological father until she was 18. Never seemed like the right time. Her father has always been 'absent' and never paid or had any contact.
When I did tell her she took it well. I gave her all the info I had including a couple of pictures and I know she has done a bit of an Internet search but not delved too far..
Hope all works out with your dd...

Original poster
lemisscared · 05/02/2015 23:16

thanks mouldy - i am hoping the same, she says she is going to bed now and will ring me tomorrow. I pray to God i have done the right thing

OP posts:
Snapespotions · 05/02/2015 23:22

Hope you're both ok, OP. You did the right thing in telling her - she had the right to know.

ChippingInGluggingOn · 05/02/2015 23:23

Lem. Calm down.

She knows DP isn't her Dad.

She knows you didn't get pregnant by yourself.

Thus she has a biological father.

You weren't raped.

He didn't want anything to do with either of you.

You've never said anything about him, so it's not like you've told her he's something he's not?!

What is the big deal about telling her his name?

Yes, it's a big deal for her. It might be great, it might be shit. But it's her life.

Why on earth are you worried about your relationship with her? I don't understand? It feels like we are missing the vital piece of information that would make that make sense?!

DioneTheDiabolist · 05/02/2015 23:25

You have done the right thing OP.Thanks. This day was always going to come and you and your DD have handled it well.

Support her in the times to come and let the wise women of MN support you.Smile

Original poster
lemisscared · 05/02/2015 23:29

well we are arguing now...........

OP posts:
Original poster
lemisscared · 05/02/2015 23:30

about who the best dr who is!!!!Confused

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 05/02/2015 23:32

Definitely the right thing to do Thanks I wish somebody/ anybody could tell me my bf details, I was lied to.

Thinking of you and your dd, give her a big hug, she will be fine.

however · 05/02/2015 23:35

Will he know who she is? On FB I mean.

TRexingInAsda · 05/02/2015 23:35

You've done the right thing. You can't make her (or his!) choices, just support her while she makes her own.

musicalendorphins2 · 05/02/2015 23:38

When I was growing up, we were told my dad drowned. That was it. No details of his personality, nothing. As an adult I learned he may not have drowned and asked a lot of questions including, why did my mother never tell me anything,. Her reply "You never asked". I really resent my mother for first of all keeping his entire family from us, and us from them, and secondly, for not helping my brother and I have any sense of what our father was like. Good or bad, it is best that we knew.

duchesse · 05/02/2015 23:50

TBH I can sort of see why a parent might want to prevent their child from knowing that the other parent had committed suicide until they are old enough to deal with it. Also if they were a mega-rat. You wouldn't want to cloud them while they're growing up and going through those difficult and questioning teenage years.

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