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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

help me quickly! my DD (24) has just asked who her dad is and im running out of excuses

138 replies

lemisscared · 05/02/2015 21:43

I dont know what to do!! Total bombshell. She just asked, out of the blue, has never asked before although she reckons she has, i have no recall of it, ever.

She is on facebook now, talking to me and i dont knwo what to do.

I was 19, he was 21, there was a muddle up with dates and he denied paternity and never had anything to do with her. Never paid a penny etc.

Fuck

Help

OP posts:
Original poster
lemisscared · 05/02/2015 22:02

Thanks mrs mook - that is worth knowing, I am going to tell her. I am surprised she hasn't asked before tbh. I was never going to volunteer the information but i dont really want to be telling her this on facebook but actually in some respect it is easier to type than to say. Also, she works long hours and doesn't live locally to me (ironically she lives locally to her biological father)

OP posts:
Original poster
lemisscared · 05/02/2015 22:03

lots of responses, i can't keep up but not one of you has said i shouldn't tell her so it does reassure me that telling her would be the right thing to do. Its just a big thing isn't it

OP posts:
itsnotmeitsyou1 · 05/02/2015 22:03

You are being so unreasonable and unfair to your daughter. I never saw my dad after my parents split, wasn't allowed to ask questions (but had many a lecture about how much I take after my asshole dad when it suited mother). A couple of years ago my mother announced 'actually, I'm not too sure if he even was your dad'. She was starting to become ill at this point, plus she had form for nasty comments like this, but now I can't even know for sure and it will bother me until my last day.

I know you're not trying to be cruel, you're only trying to protect your daughter from hurt. However she's asked, she's obviously prepared herself for a bad answer. Treat her like the adult she is and be as honest as possible with her. She has a right to know who she is. Hope that gives another perspective on the matter at least.

Mehitabel6 · 05/02/2015 22:06

It is half her identity- she was bound to want to know at some point.

Original poster
lemisscared · 05/02/2015 22:08

I think that people are being a bit unfair, my DD has never asked so i didn't think it was fair to tell her, in case she didn't want to know. She wants to know now, but it was a shock and I don't wantto fuck this up. I haven't once said i wont tell her, but should i just tell her now on facebook? Seriously? Shes working for the next week in the evenings.... arrgggghhh

OP posts:
Original poster
lemisscared · 05/02/2015 22:09

I know it isn't about me, but what if i lose her?

OP posts:
EatShitDerek · 05/02/2015 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Haffdonga · 05/02/2015 22:10

ask her when she wants you to tell her.

Suggest meeting up or ringing her or ask does she want to know here and now on FB.

Then do what she wants.

Original poster
lemisscared · 05/02/2015 22:14

Eatshitderek - i thought you were older!

OP posts:
RubyFlint · 05/02/2015 22:15

I don't think facebook is the right place for this kind of conversation but maybe you could reassure your DD now that you will tell her everything next time you see each other. Some things are just better face to face and you get to see her reaction and she see's yours. Good luck op x

yourallmyfavourite · 05/02/2015 22:15

Don't tell her on facebook, your right it's a massive thing.

Don't feel bad if she hasn't asked then there never would have been a good time to tell her. I would feel the same.

But she has asked now and all you can do is tell her the truth and be there for the fall out.

TRexingInAsda · 05/02/2015 22:15

Lose her? Stop being ridiculous, she's a woman in her 20s! Tell her what she is asking, there is no reasonable reason not to.

Mehitabel6 · 05/02/2015 22:17

I can't see why you would lose her. Confused
Everyone wants to know where they come from and who they are- it is why family history is so popular. I want to know who my great,great,great grandfather is so I certainly want to know who my father is!

Mehitabel6 · 05/02/2015 22:18

It would have been sensible to tell her from first speaking age.

BlinkAndMiss · 05/02/2015 22:19

You won't 'lose' her, she's a grown woman who wants to know more about her identity. Clearly and understandably you are worried about her being hurt and possibly blaming you for not being open about him in the first place. But they aren't things that she is going to hate you for.

The best way forwards is to continue to be open and honest, to discuss who he was with her and, if she wants to contact him, support her to do that. She will need your support because if he turns out to be the same as he always was then she'll be hurt. There is nothing you can do about that other than be there for her, and she'll thank you for that.

As a grown woman she should understand the mix up about dates, she may be confused as to why you didn't peruse the issue further once she was born but this is where you need to be very honest about your feelings and the situation you were in. Good luck OP, I hope everything works out well for you both.

Mehitabel6 · 05/02/2015 22:19

Very few people are going to be satisfied with only knowing about one parent.

Original poster
lemisscared · 05/02/2015 22:20

ok so i just found him on facebook

OP posts:
sillymillyb · 05/02/2015 22:20

I totally get this is a big thing that has caught you off guard. Take a big breath, say you promise you will tell her everything but in person - cancel what ever you have to and goto her and do this face to face.

I feel for you, but I know if you were responding to someone else on here that is similar to what you would say.

Be brave, you won't lose her, she is old enough to make sense of it now. Good luck Thanks

spacepoppy · 05/02/2015 22:21

Tell her- but not over facebook! You owe it to her as one adult to another to tell the truth face to face. Good luck, I appreciate it must be daunting having 'held onto' this information for so long, but you must have known she would be want to know / have the right to know at some point.

egnahc · 05/02/2015 22:22

It is a basic human right to know who your parents are. You dont have the moral right to deny her this.

Although over facebook is not the right way to tell her

EatShitDerek · 05/02/2015 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
lemisscared · 05/02/2015 22:22

So do i contact him ? I dont want to but maybe that would be better?
oh fucking fucking hell.... what a mess

OP posts:
EatShitDerek · 05/02/2015 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

queenofthepirates · 05/02/2015 22:26

Calm down, this isn't your fault but you sound as though you're blaming yourself. You've done a great job of raising your dd without much help and she'll be able to see that. Give her the information and your blessing and step back. Be there for her if she wants to chat and give yourself permission to feel angry with her father. He did a shitty thing to you but it wasn't your fault.

Haffdonga · 05/02/2015 22:26

NO!

Give your dd the info and let her decide what she wants to do.

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