Good mother or total spoil sport?

[Mumtotherescueagain]

Dd is angry with me. She has hatched a plan to go to a well known fun park at the end of her study leave, with friends. This would be around a 2 -2 1/2 hour journey involving motorways. There would be 4-5 people in the car driven by a female driver who would have passed her test at the absolute most 3 months before.

I have absolutely refused to allow her to do this. She is 17. I have told her why which is because I don't think it's safe. I have told the reality of this situation, the first funeral I ever attended was a girl the year above me at school killed driving with friends in the car.

I feel wretched about this because dd is having a tough time atm and she is angry with what I've said but I can't help that. I don't think it's safe.

AIBU?

Statistically you are more likely to have an accident close to home and they are more likely to have a lift from a friend to school or to go shopping.

I agree Bubble - making them aware of the risks of driving in this way is something that schools already do here, and that any parent with an ounce of common sense would have been doing as soon as they start showing an interest in learning how to drive.

The trip will be less risky. It won't be the same adventure though, obviously. Also a lot more expensive.

'Not under my roof'

Is so easily fixed....

We didn't allow DS to do that at 17. Now at 18 he rides with whomever he likes.

Yes well so far she's managed not to move out

whether my child is 7 or 17 or 27 I have a responsibility to them. That responsibility will look different and be expressed in different ways as they get older but it will never go away

That's a whole other debate - but I suggest you read carefully the "stately homes" thread here on MN to see how parents like yourself who consider themselves responsible for their adult DCs are perceived by those same DCs.

Do some of you think that parenting ends at 18 then?

Yes, because she's currently 16. Not because she won't if you keep treating here like a small child and thinking you can dictate to her about days out at theme parks.

My DCs are only little bit I can't imagine how worrying it must be when they're young adults and you can't be with them all the time. I think I'm inclined to agree with you op, I lost four of my friends who died in a car crash when they had recently passed their test. And another group of friends had quite a serious crash but fortunately were all ok.

A car full of teenagers with an inexperienced driver is just too risky.

YANBU to prevent her going under the circumstances but YABU not to offer her an alternative. I have been the taxi for ages because I am not going to spend 16 years of my life nurturing a child just for some newly qualified driver to make a mistake and kill her.

If young drivers were so trustworthy why is it being proposed to limit the number of passengers they are allowed to carry? Far too many in the car. Offer to take a couple of them with you and DD as it's too distracting for a young driver whose biggest enemy is their overconfidence.

Parenting ended at 18 for my parents. I moved out and lived entirely alone for a few years, working to fund my way through Uni and working full-time the minute I left.

I diametrically oppose their views and have already had discussions with the ES who is 9 that he has a home here for as long as he needs one when he leaves Uni (he says plans to study maths despite the fact he is, so far, the silliest child in the free world). So no, I don't believe parenting should end at 18. Legally it might. In terms of support and help and kindness, it shouldn't.

I just don't know about forbidding stuff; I know as a teen if my parents forbade stuff I went and big, fat did it anyway with bells on, just to show them they weren't the boss.

YANBU. Big fat no for me. She can go to the park by train, in a minibus, with you... But not with a newly qualified driver and a car full of teens for a long journey. Next year, no problem. You might voice the same concerns, but it will be up to her to decide.
I am actually shocked by the number of people who think it is ok, especially those who say they used to drive to raves etc at the same age! At 17 I drove long distances, but never without an experienced adult alongside. Tbh, I think it was a condition of the insurance!
I remember as an undergraduate not being able to hire a car once as I was under 21, no hire car company would allow it.

YANBU OP, I fully sympathise, but I think you will have to get over it, or your daughter will leave home at 18 and not come home again for ages.

Rjae - I did immediately offer that in the same conversation. I also suggested sort of halving the situation - it's the cumulative fatigue and inexperience impacting on the journey home when they are tired that particularly worried me. I did suggest they could all go down together and I follow to bring some home so that the driver only had one passenger on the way back. I would have had major reservations about that too but it was a possibility. The option they have now come up with is much better though and because more can go it won't actually cost more - cheaper group tickets can be bought.

I think that what concerns me is that our dc's are likely to be at home longer,some way into adulthood.
I hope that those who are really adamant about the my house,my rules thing are going to make allowances for the dire situation young adults are finding themselves in now when it comes to establishing their independence.

I think one of the things that would worry me about this is the fact that there would be a group of them. A driver of a car full of noisy and possibly excited, possibly intoxicated teenagers is much more likely to be distracted and/or to take risks than a driver on their own. Add to that mix the fact that the driver is inexperienced and may never have been on a motorway before, and will be tired, and the risks become even greater. A friend of mine lost her daughter in exactly that scenario, and she regrets to this day that she didn't do something to stop her getting into that car with her friends.

I am shocked too at the number of people thinking OP is unreasonable. Nasty, personal comments too, for no obvious reasons. Is it a crime to love your child so much you don't want them to take unnecessary risks? DD clearly is not restricted in other ways but a long car journey with a very inexperienced driver?

"Do some of you think that parenting ends at 18 then?"

I certainly think your idea of parenting should end at 18......

I'm glad that you and your DD have managed to find a practical solution to this OP. Much safer for everyone involved.

The problem is that they are near adults. You have stopped one particular travel problem- there will be many more.
Of course you are always a mother, but it is very different and you have to change. Being a parent of a 17 yr old is very different from being a parent of a 7 yr old and being a parent of a 27yr old is very, very different from being a parent of a 17 yr old. You can see entirely why people have problems with MIL if she really does think she is still responsible for her DS!!
This is unlikely to be the only long journey that DD is going to want to make in a friend's car this year.

It sounds like the OPs daughter is a very sensible young woman who has acknowledged the risks involved and come to a reasonable solution with her friends. I imagine that this approach will serve her well in future.

Hard as it is she is 17 and growing up. I can totally understand your fears Id be the same. But a reality check - me and my pal passed our driving tests at 17 and drove all over the place, sleeping in the car, enjoying the freedom. We never did anything daft.

Which is my argument! She is almost an adult- treat her like one!

If she isn't sensible by 17yrs it is all a bit late! Put in the work earlier by gradually letting go and giving responsibility.