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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Good mother or total spoil sport?

280 replies

Mumtotherescueagain · 05/02/2015 18:42

Dd is angry with me. She has hatched a plan to go to a well known fun park at the end of her study leave, with friends. This would be around a 2 -2 1/2 hour journey involving motorways. There would be 4-5 people in the car driven by a female driver who would have passed her test at the absolute most 3 months before.

I have absolutely refused to allow her to do this. She is 17. I have told her why which is because I don't think it's safe. I have told the reality of this situation, the first funeral I ever attended was a girl the year above me at school killed driving with friends in the car.

I feel wretched about this because dd is having a tough time atm and she is angry with what I've said but I can't help that. I don't think it's safe.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Number3cometome · 06/02/2015 13:03

YABU - at 17 I lived on my own, had a job and didn't answer to anyone.

You have to let go at some point.

FinallyHere · 06/02/2015 13:10

This reminds me why I never told my mother much about what i was getting up to. Hope you find a way to let go.

mushypeasontoast · 06/02/2015 13:34

I wouldnt worry about this too much atm, in three months she may be telling you she has changed her mind as it is bad for the baby she could legally be carrying.

ThatBloodyWoman · 06/02/2015 14:32

Op,I think its great you appreciate your dd for all her qualities.
It sounds like she is level headed,sensible and trustworthy -so why not give her credit for this,and let her make the choice?

MiscellaneousAssortment · 06/02/2015 15:19

Wow some unusual responses on here!

Some posters are determined that your dd will lie and cheat and probably get pregnant too.

It's perfectly reasonable to be worried. It's what you do with the worry that matters though. I'd relax a bit now and see what happens closer to the time. There will be ways of making it safer, if you can minimize risk it may be enough for you.

I used to babysit a gorgeous little girl when I was at school, and she grew up to be an amazing accomplished young woman, but sadly she died at 17 in a car crash with a car full of her peers. It was an awful tragedy, and from this thread, it's clear its not uncommon sadly.

Summerisle1 · 06/02/2015 15:28

Oh dear, OP.

I do hope your consummate smuggery doesn't come back to bite you. Still, at least the rest of us imperfect MNs have been thoroughly told haven't we?

GingerLDN · 06/02/2015 15:51

I can completely understand why you wouldn't be happy about this, you're lucky your daughter is so compliant because most wouldn't even think to tell you or just lie. A part of me says fair play to you, you still provide for her etc. The other part says at what point will you actually let go, when she moves out and supports herself will you butt out or be the interfering DM/MIL we're always reading about on here?

TooHasty · 06/02/2015 15:54

Accidents involving a car full of teens are far from rare.
I don't understand all this 'i canb't believe your DD is listening to you'. She is a minor child supported by and living under her parents roof.

cashewnutty · 06/02/2015 16:01

They are obviously banking on her passing her test first time but they may have to do a radical rethink should she fail!

My DD1 took 7 goes to pass her test! She took her most age 17 and was almost 19 before she passed (she was at uni so had long periods between tests). By the time she passed she had become so anxious about driving she hardly ventured out of our home town in the for months. At 22 she is now a confident driver.

Don't say yes or no right now. Just watch and wait and see how it all develops. In my experience teen plans change like the wind!

Mehitabel6 · 06/02/2015 16:55

Of course they are not suddenly fully fledged adults on their 18th birthday -but in the eyes of the law they are- which is why you need to have been letting go gradually up until then.

SirChenjin · 06/02/2015 17:07

That's true - although up here in the eyes of the law they've been adults for a couple of years before then. However, all the 18 year olds I know are very much dependent on their parents and other adults for guidance and support - which is as it should be. You don't kick them out of the nest just because they have reached 16 or 18. Adulthood is a transition that varies from person to person, and they move on gradually in stages, as and when they are ready.

AnyFucker · 06/02/2015 17:12

My teenager took 5 attempts to pass the driving test. It took many months. Just sayin'

Eastwickwitch · 06/02/2015 17:13

My Ds has just passed his test & it's such an anxious time.
We have a rule, no more than one passenger for the first 6 months and no motorways until his DF or I feel he is proficient. He has a black box too.
Maybe I'm neurotic but having worked in A&E I do not want him to become another statistic.

YANBU.

SirChenjin · 06/02/2015 17:26

Very sensible East - I may use those rules on DS when he passes his test (although I'm hoping he'll go the same way as AF's teenager)

Mehitabel6 · 06/02/2015 19:10

Of course you don't kick them out, but neither do you forbid them for doing a perfectly normal thing.
My DS has an August birthday, started driving and passed his test, first time, in November. He hasn't had an accident. All my nephews passed their test first time (for those saying it takes months and lots of goes!) they haven't had accidents either.
My son had his own car by 18yrs ( bought by him) so I really don't understand how I could tell him how many passengers he had and where he could go. He was very sensible and didn't need it anyway.

SirChenjin · 06/02/2015 19:29

Driving for 5 hours with a car full of friends in the weeks after passing your test is not a 'normal' thing I want for my teens. Driving is something that you learn in the months and years after you pass your test, and in that time you build up your driving skills in a measured way which keeps you, your passengers and other road users safe.

Mehitabel6 · 06/02/2015 19:32

It is however a normal thing for an adult- and she is a short way away from it.

Mehitabel6 · 06/02/2015 19:33

I should think that many would just not tell you what they were doing- it would have been my method at that age.

indecisiveithink · 06/02/2015 19:36

Ooooh aren't you unbearable and smug!

I hope your daughter enjoys herself really. Probably getting on the Sensible Bus into Sensible Town tonight for a gallen of snakebite and a threesome before a bit of Charlie to perk herself up before coming home to your smug mug.

SirChenjin · 06/02/2015 19:38

She's not an adult in the eyes of the law, nor is she classed as low risk by the insurance companies for obvious reasons.

As for doing it anyway - some would, others wouldn't. It depends on m a ny factors - teens are not a homogeneous mass.

Mehitabel6 · 06/02/2015 19:42

The reality is that in 8 months time she will be living away from home and you will have utterly no idea what she is doing, who she is with or who she gets lifts with. She will be an adult in the eyes of the law in less than 8 months.

blondiebonce · 06/02/2015 19:43

You sound just like my mum at that age. I thought it was the worst thing in the world at the time, but since having my daughter I've made a U bend. I'd be the same as you and my mum!

I don't think Yabu.

Mehitabel6 · 06/02/2015 19:43

If she isn't living away from home in 8 months then Many of her friends will be.

BubbleGirl01 · 06/02/2015 19:45

DD used to 'ask' me if she could do this kind of thing at that age (she has just turned 18). I would normally say that I didn't want her doing it as I didn't know the driver blah, blah blah, quoted recent news stories of teen car crashes and suggested she took a train instead!

Found out later that she had indeed taken lots of trips like this when I thought she was hanging out with her friends locally. Worst one was her telling me she was sleeping over at a friends house when actually they all drove 3 hours to the coast, hung out on the beach with booze and some spliffs, then drove back at 4am. When she had asked me if she could do this, there was no booze and spliffs in her version then, I had said No. It slipped out later that she'd done it anyway. My blood froze but I got over it Grin.

All we can do at this age is equip them by advising them on their own safety/risks etc and then let them make their own decisions in the end.

Original poster
Mumtotherescueagain · 06/02/2015 19:46

Passenger rules are a sensible way to reduce the risk. We had previously discussed that actually, thinking ahead to when dd learns.

Those of you who have labelled me smug are spot on tbh - if smug means desperately proud of my daughter and glad about the relationship I have with her. It is unusual for her to propose something I fundamentally oppose. She and her mates have come up with a compromise which I am absolutely happy with. Same trip, same people, same adventure - in a minibus driven by a professional that they pool their cash to pay for. Fab, and organised by themselves, removing the elements of risk which concerned me - inexperience and fatigue.

This was never about what was 'legal' or not. It's about my parenting responsibility and whether my child is 7 or 17 or 27 I have a responsibility to them. That responsibility will look different and be expressed in different ways as they get older but it will never go away. It's not about 'interfering'. My role in my children's lives has changed and continues to change but that's about far more than chronological age and I'm pleased some other posters can see that too.

OP posts: