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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Good mother or total spoil sport?

280 replies

Mumtotherescueagain · 05/02/2015 18:42

Dd is angry with me. She has hatched a plan to go to a well known fun park at the end of her study leave, with friends. This would be around a 2 -2 1/2 hour journey involving motorways. There would be 4-5 people in the car driven by a female driver who would have passed her test at the absolute most 3 months before.

I have absolutely refused to allow her to do this. She is 17. I have told her why which is because I don't think it's safe. I have told the reality of this situation, the first funeral I ever attended was a girl the year above me at school killed driving with friends in the car.

I feel wretched about this because dd is having a tough time atm and she is angry with what I've said but I can't help that. I don't think it's safe.

AIBU?

OP posts:
IKnewYou · 06/02/2015 23:23

Blimey, some of the YABU posters are a bit aggressive Confused

I'm a parent of 4 DC 18 - 23 and I am a super chilled laid back mum but I'd have not wanted any of my DC to go on a trip like that. I wouldn't go on such a long drive with a new driver in a packed car MYSELF so why would I think it ok for my DC to?

Like the OP, I wouldn't have to 'forbid' my DC (they are adults!) but if I said I thought it was a really bad idea Im sure they would make alternative arrangements.

SirChenjin · 06/02/2015 23:32

If she isn't sensible by 17 it's a bit late? Good grief - talk about writing someone off at a young age. Adulthood is a process - some reach maturity earlier than others and there is no right or wrong age by which they 'should' be sensible - but it will come to them (or most of them) and some point.

flowerpowerspiceknicks · 07/02/2015 00:09

Of course you,re going to worry! Yanbu in my opinion, sorry but 3months past my test I didn't even do roundabouts let alone motorways!!! I would let them go but drive them yourselves....

KierkegaardGroupie · 07/02/2015 01:47

My dad was a cop. Sadly lots of fatal rta s he witnessed involved cars full of teens. ..you are more distracted when with peers,at that age.
Yanbu

LadyCybilCrawley · 07/02/2015 02:16

I'm not sure the age has anything to do with it - 17 or 70 - after passing a driving test you need experience actually driving

It's a fact that other teenagers in the car contributes to distraction - distraction is a common cause of road accidents - that's why where I live after someone has passed their test they are only allowed one passenger for a year - to avoid distractions - 4 teenagers in a car with a person recently licenced on a long drive sounds hard work for the driver to a) concentrate and b) drive long distance

So ..... I guess Id explain my fears to her and talk to her about them and what she thinks she should do for her own personal safety

nooka · 07/02/2015 02:31

My ds is just about to turn 16 and were we live he will be able to start to learn to drive. It's a three year graduated licensing process with three tests. First a theory and eyesight test, to get his L plate. Then a year's practice with a supervisor, and a road test to go from an L to an N (novice) then two years later another test and then you are through to a full license. You can do also an accelerated intensive driving course and skip 6mths.

With the N you can only take a maximum of one passenger (except for immediate family) unless supervised, no electronic devices, no alcohol. Big penalties for breaking the rules.

So in the OP's scenario the proposed trip would only be legal at 19 after three years of experience. Teenagers have much higher accident rates than adults, and one of the leading causes of death in this age group is being killed in a car accident so not an unreasonable worry at all.

Weebirdie · 07/02/2015 03:55

You are not being unreasonable with regards to the drive.

When my children all passed their test at 17 years old we didn't allow them to drive without one of us for a good few months afterwards then before they drove on the expressways we did it with them for another couple of months.

I think what Nooka has described sounds marvellous.

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 07/02/2015 07:00

I think your dd and friends have come up with a good solution.

I would worry about a trip like that too, although I don't think the motorways would be an issue, more the 4 teens in car on a long journey.

We live in a rural area but really near a motorway, which is often the quickest way to get to places. My ds passed his test a few months ago and is often on the motorway for a few junctions. I'm much more worried about rural A and B roads in the dark, with narrow twisty roads.

Mehitabel6 · 07/02/2015 07:21

Of course it is all a bit late- this time next year she could be married - in New Zealand who knows! Even if only at university she won't have her mother around to tell her what to do or not do!
My son sent to a theme park with friends and a new driver at the same age. He went with a sensible boy. He had another friend who was driving there- he wouldn't have felt safe with him so he wouldn't have gone in his car. He was almost 18 yrs and he worked it out for himself! 3 months later he was at university about 200 miles from home. I have no idea who he had lifts with and how far he went so if he wasn't sensible it really was too late!
This DD's friends are going to be driving. This is one lift that you have stopped- there will be many more lifts. Accidents are far more likely to happen near home. A lift of 2 miles on a rural road at night is statistically far more likely to have the accident than a trip on a motorway in daylight. I live rurally and all the cases that I have seen in the local paper involve teens who are less than 5 miles from home in the accident.

Mehitabel6 · 07/02/2015 07:29

I meant this DD's friends are increasingly going to be driving - something she needs to face as it will be a constant problem for her.

stuffthenonsense · 07/02/2015 07:43

With a child of 17 you should be guiding, not instructing. Not allowing your child of that age to think through situations will quite possibly result in a student life fraught with anxiety and danger. I know you are going to say she came up with the alternative herself, but this was as a result of your ban, this was her way of making sure she got what she very reasonably wanted, it was not her using her own thought processes. 'I would prefer you to find alternative travel arrangements but other than that why not' would have been my (experienced) response. I DO trust my daughters, I trust them to make sensible choices and to make good friends that I can also trust, doesn't mean I don't worry about them but teens need to learn to do their own h&s reviews at some point before they are legally allowed to do potentially dangerous things.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 07/02/2015 07:56

I don't think parenting ends at 18, but I do think parenting an adult is a very different beast.

I wasn't guiding at 17, I was still actively parenting because my son needed it most (but not all the time). Somehow he has managed to survive this year at college 2000 miles away with nothing more than some advice when asked for.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 07/02/2015 07:57

Argh, I wish we had a ten second edit button so I could fix those glaring typos.

Mehitabel6 · 07/02/2015 08:00

My point entirely stuffthenonsence. Her DD should be doing her own risk assessment by now. You can't keep doing it for a 17 yr old because even if you don't see them as an almost adult the world does.
When they go to university you know only what they tell you. The university will not tell you anything about progress etc, the bank will not speak to you about their account. They will make their own decisions. If they haven't learnt how to risk assess about drivers and cars for themselves it is all too late! They are generally very sensible, if allowed to be, about who are responsible drivers and who scare them.
Of course you worry as a parent- it is par for the course. However you keep it yourself. I remember a thread on here about how irritated adult parents were with their own parents wanting them to tell them if they had arrived safely after each journey.

DropYourSword · 07/02/2015 08:05

I think that's what a lot of the posters on this thread aren't getting stuffthenonsense. I think it's entirely understandable to be worried, that's not the issue. But the OP talks about 'refusing' to allow this which is a mdemand. I think she would have got a very different response if she'd said in her OP she was worried about the plan and asked for guidance in how to approach the daughter. Explaining, guiding and trusting to awake the right decision would be the way to go, not demands and refusals.

pilates · 07/02/2015 08:05

Nooka, where do you live?

PeruvianFoodLover · 07/02/2015 08:13

But the OP talks about 'refusing' to allow this which is a demand

Yes! Rather then be supportive, the OP became a hurdle for her DD to overcome. She (the DD) had to decide whether the trip was important enough to defy the OP, whether she missed out on the trip or whether she face the embarrassment of negotiating an alternative with her friends.

I can wellimagine what the OPs DD said about her mum to her friends, and the friends are good ones for supporting the DD and accomodating the OPs demands - while, I'm sure, sympathising with the DD for having such a draconian mum! . It won't always be like that though - and I'm sure, one day, the DD will defy her mum in order to do her own thing.

Mehitabel6 · 07/02/2015 08:20

My son has an August birthday and passed his test in the November. He had an apprenticeship and was immediately driving himself to work which involved about 20 miles of motorway driving. I don't think it would have gone down well with is boss for him to say 'my mother says I may have passed my test but she doesn't think I am ready to do motorways and big roundabouts in my own yet'!

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 07/02/2015 08:34

When they go to university you know only what they tell you. The university will not tell you anything about progress etc, the bank will not speak to you about their account.

That isn't true in our case, we told DS that if he wanted us to pay for college (remember it is quite a lot more money here in the U.S) that at the end of the term we wanted to see that he had passed his classes or not. A friend ended up paying for what she thought was college for two years only to find out that her adult kid had been kicked out. DS decided just to sign paperwork so that we can see his grades... not the every assignment, only end of semester ones. I don't really care what his grades are, it is his business, but I'm not going to pay for something that isn't happening.

I also could know (but don't) what his bank account looks like, he asked me to co-sign his account. 1) so they would give him a debit card without a salary and 2) so I can sort things out for him if he needs it (he is 2,000 miles away and there are no branches where he is). It also made it able for his account to be partly linked to ours which makes transfers back and forth a lot easier for both of us.

He also signed medical paperwork because I got frustrated that he wanted my help sorting stuff out but the Drs couldn't talk to me. I told him either to sort it all out himself or sign the paperwork. He is on our medical insurance (as college kids usually are here) and found it easier to just sign it. I haven't used the privilege though again.

When I say he is surviving, he had clean clothes on when he came home, he wasn't kicked out of school, has made some friends and appears to be eating fine and is healthy. He also seems pretty happy there. That is really all I need to know. He has managed all this even with me actively parenting the year before he went to college.

Mehitabel6 · 07/02/2015 08:47

It isn't how it works in UK.
My son wanted me to sort out something for him at the bank at home and I couldn't.
When my son had been driving for about 4 months I went on a motorway journey with him of about 150 miles, passing Birmingham, speghetti junction etc. I felt perfectly safe and relaxed. I expect his friends felt safe with him too. I can't understand how a friend's mother could possibly make a judgement on it!

Mehitabel6 · 07/02/2015 08:50

I know someone who was fighting to get more information from universities because her son was failing and committed suicide and they had no idea of his problems. She hasn't succeeded yet.

Mehitabel6 · 07/02/2015 08:58

This is just one trip after study leave. What is she going to do on a hot day in summer when they all plan a trip to the beach or similar? ( bearing in mind the driver for that may not even have started lessons yet)
Once you have friends driving you can't get the genie back in the bottle- or pay for minibuses and drivers every time!

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 07/02/2015 09:00

I wouldn't be able to get info about my son either if he hadn't signed the paperwork. He can rescind it if he wants.

I have access to his bank account because it is basically a joint account. He has two bank accounts, neither of them have any branches within hundreds/thousands of miles of where he is. If he joined a bank where his college is, there would be no branch here when he is home for the summer and earning.

My point was more that just because you actively parent your kid in the months prior to turning 18 does not mean that they will be hopeless inexperienced idiots as soon as they go to college.

DoctorDoctor · 07/02/2015 09:13

Universities are bound by data protection laws and cannot give out information about students to their parents without the specific permission of the student, because students are legal adults. It's hard in extreme situations but it's about obeying the law. Increasing numbers of parents take an 'I'm paying so I have the right to know' attitude which is not actually the case. There are also quite a few parents who want to know things not out of a need to support a vulnerable student, but because they are used to having the say so in their children's lives and don't see why that should stop.

MyballsareSandy · 07/02/2015 09:38

Thanks OP Grin, this has made me look at my feisty boundary pushing adventurous teen DD in a whole new light.