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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want her in my house?

126 replies

DisappointedCake · 01/02/2015 18:25

The NotsoDP's ex wife is a nightmare. Nasty bullying manipulative behaviour displayed to us and their eldest child. An awful lot of negative behaviour over the last three years, abusive phone calls/emails, snide comments to family members, bullying the eldest child.

She's taken it upon herself to come in to my home and play with my daughter upon handover this morning. I am fuming!

I never enter her home or even attempt to. I sit in the car when collecting the SC or dropping them off. Never do I attept to get in her car nor do I attempt chatting to her asides from the polite 'hello' 'nice/horrible weather' 'anything to know about the kids?' Topics.

She had to walk through / open 3 doors to get in to my lounge so it wasn't a head round the door situation.

Up until the divorce was finalised a fortnight ago she would stay in her car on the road upon collection or pick up but now the divorce is through its as though she wants to be friendly?! Or am I getting the wrong end of the stick?

AIBU? (If so I blame it on the pregnancy hormones)

OP posts:
Arsenic · 01/02/2015 18:28

Maybe she does see the divorce as a chance for a fresh start and friendlier relations?

Presumably there was acrimony around some of the terms of the divorce and those things (at least) are now settled?

How did she come to be inside? Followed one of her DC in?

It is tricky, isn't it?

Caronaim · 01/02/2015 18:28

You are going to be closely associated for decades, maybe she was trying to be nice.

Nolim · 01/02/2015 18:29

So she went into your home to do what exactly? And for how long?

Original poster
DisappointedCake · 01/02/2015 18:38

The SC were still in the car.

She invited herself in. I try to be 'busy' on handovers at our house.

A lot of animosity on both sides

OP posts:
Nolim · 01/02/2015 18:41

Maybe she is trying to be friendly.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 01/02/2015 18:43

No-one would get over my threshold if I didn't want them there

SorchaN · 01/02/2015 18:55

She should NOT have entered your home without an invitation. If I were you I wouldn't make a big deal out of it; just make sure it isn't possible next time she's in the area. Polite but firm is the best approach when dealing with people like this.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 01/02/2015 19:05

No-one would get over my threshold if I didn't want them there

This. So no-one noticed her until she'd got through three doors and was playing with your child?! Maybe you ought to consider locking your doors and not just due to your dp's ex!

Original poster
DisappointedCake · 01/02/2015 19:19

I try to be 'busy' during handovers. This time I was cleaning the bathroom.

I leave my DP in charge of sorting his kids out as much as possible but clearly he has no issue with her being in my house which I do.

What could I do in the future to prevent this from happening?

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedCake · 01/02/2015 19:23

Sorry she was in for about 8 minutes but I stayed up stairs as if I went down I'm afraid it would end up with something out of Eastenders going on.

As a side note she is not a nice person and although the divorce is finalised (finally!) none of the issues surrounding contact ect have been resolved. I don't beleive for one moment she was trying to be nice everything with her is very underhand and nasty.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/02/2015 19:23

Speak to your partner then, he needs to manage his ex and if you don't want her playing with your daughter then that's fair enough. I don't know about her being in your home as it's his home too but I don't understand 1) why he would enable this if there's so much animosity, 2) why she leaves her children in the car and 3) why she's interested in playing with your daughter at all?

DeeCayed · 01/02/2015 19:25

Keep the door locked so she/dc have to knock?

CalicoBlue · 01/02/2015 19:27

You have to stop this now, otherwise it will continue and get worse. It is unlikely that she will have changed and become nice, this will be another ruse to get at you, I have been there.

When DH and I moved in together his ex insisted being shown round our new home, as she said she had the right to see where her son lives. Next she popped round for HD to book her holiday on the internet for her, as she can't use computers. She started coming in on drop off and pick up and having a nose round the house. A couple of times she came in saying that she wanted to put DSS to bed and read him his story. I was furious, I did not want her in my home. I spoke to DH and said this stops now, he had not realised that she was trying to get involved in our home and life. As with OP she was normally very antagonistic this behaviour was new for her. DH spoke to her and said she could not come in the house any more. She would them come in if we were not here, she would push past the nanny and go an help herself to drinks and snacks in the kitchen.

We had to make a very strong stance, if I opened the door to her I would shut it again whilst waiting for DSS to get ready to go. We arranged that DH would do all the drop off and pick ups. Now she does not come near the house, she claims she has forgotten where we live, I have not seen her in years. A much happier and calmer home life.

Tryharder · 01/02/2015 19:27

I can't see why it's in anyone's interest to be enemies.

She may have done bad things. Who knows what story she might have to tell?

Do you not think that because you haves relationship through children that you should let bygones be bygones and be more civil?

Original poster
DisappointedCake · 01/02/2015 19:30

lying I have spoken with him previously about issues with her but he takes the view of roll over and make her happy as its good for the kids. This results in the 13 year old thinking daddy is moving home to mummy and taking our joint daughter with him.

I'm not sure as to why she left them in the car she didn't have a conversation about medication or anything else that couldn't have been said in front of the children.

In answer to your third question her son (SS) is besotted with our daughter and on phone calls asks to speak with her always gives her kisses is very loving towards our daughter. I wonder if maybe her (EW) behaviour is such that she is trying to include her self with my daughter so SS relates to EW better? It does feel as though she wants to play happy families which we a million miles away from. ( I don't want her near my daughter as I feel her behaviour is damaging and that she is not a nice person nor kind)

OP posts:
MiscellaneousAssortment · 01/02/2015 19:31

Your issue should be with your DP who let her through your house.

scotchmincepie · 01/02/2015 19:32

She is going to be in your life for a long time, step children's birthdays, weddings, graduations. If you could find a way of tolerating her all that becomes much easier....

AmantesSuntAmentes · 01/02/2015 19:34

I leave my DP in charge of sorting his kids out as much as possible but clearly he has no issue with her being in my house which I do.

So, the ex really isn't the problem, your dp is. She could not have come into your home, without him allowing her to. It just couldn't happen! If he allowed her in, actually, she hasn't done anything wrong.

So, instead of projecting this angst towards her, define and agree some boundaries with your dp. If he's unwilling or unable to respect and protect your wishes, you will have to handle handovers.

Original poster
DisappointedCake · 01/02/2015 19:37

The door normally is closed and locked my DP had gone to help the SS from the car apparently when I questioned him about it.

calico that sounds horrendous you must have the patience of a saint! I glad to hear all the trouble has stopped. Why do you think she was like it in the first place?

try I wosh I could but far to much has gone on in the fast to be friends to the detriment of my child. I have had poisonous family members and have gone NC with my Bio dad and Step dad and I'm not willing to have nasty people around my daughter as much as I can control.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/02/2015 19:39

Thanks for answering my questions, DisappointedCake. Sounds difficult. I think you need to have a clear conversation about how this will happen in future, with your partner. You need a united front and it does sound complicated, especially if the children are keen on a relationship with each other, which they should definitely have.

The ex needs to be told - by your partner, not you - that all water under the bridge now, all that matters is the children and in future, handover will be at the door. When children are visiting together then that's fine but handover will be door to door again.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 01/02/2015 19:41

If your DH is happy to present a friendly visible exterior with her at hand over.

It is also his house and his chid. You so not get to dictate to him

Purplepoodle · 01/02/2015 19:42

Just keep your doors locked. I do anyway to stop youngest dc escaping. If she is with dp for 10mins during handover it's not the worst. Only way is perhaps offer for your dp to do all pick ups and drop offs

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 01/02/2015 19:42

Don't be busy on handovers.

Be at the door. Be in the room.

Eastenders? Yes, if she causes it. And then it'll be obvious who the problem is.

Brief your DP. She isn't to come in or come near your child. And you're going to be there to make sure she isn't.

Viviennemary · 01/02/2015 19:44

Why were you even having a relationship with your 'DP' when his divorce wasn't finalised. But if you don't want her in your house tell her. Though I think she's the one with the grievance.

CalicoBlue · 01/02/2015 19:45

disapointedcake she wanted to be in a position that she could cause trouble. She knew that I would not want her coming round, so it was just a way of pissing me off. She told her DS that I was only with his father for the money (he does not have much so that was nonsense) and DH was only with me for the sex. Who says that to a 7 year old? A very disturbed and dangerous woman, I did not want her in my house or anywhere near my kids.