To not want her in my house?

[DisappointedCake]

The NotsoDP's ex wife is a nightmare. Nasty bullying manipulative behaviour displayed to us and their eldest child. An awful lot of negative behaviour over the last three years, abusive phone calls/emails, snide comments to family members, bullying the eldest child.

She's taken it upon herself to come in to my home and play with my daughter upon handover this morning. I am fuming!

I never enter her home or even attempt to. I sit in the car when collecting the SC or dropping them off. Never do I attept to get in her car nor do I attempt chatting to her asides from the polite 'hello' 'nice/horrible weather' 'anything to know about the kids?' Topics.

She had to walk through / open 3 doors to get in to my lounge so it wasn't a head round the door situation.

Up until the divorce was finalised a fortnight ago she would stay in her car on the road upon collection or pick up but now the divorce is through its as though she wants to be friendly?! Or am I getting the wrong end of the stick?

AIBU? (If so I blame it on the pregnancy hormones)

I sympathise. This might make you realise you are not alone. A friend of mine married her husband and they had a new baby together. One day when the exW dropped off her dd (friends step-d) she let herself in when the teen daughter came in, came up stairs to wher my friend was in bed breastfeeding her new baby. she really wasn't comfortable with ex-W letting herself in and even less so sitting on her marital bed as if she were her sister!

Anyway to cut a long story short her DH had a word to say it wasn't appropriate to just come in without an invite. Perhaps yours could do likewise?

Read the thread Here ...

Link doesn't work UsedToBeFeckless

MoanCollins - good post.

OP, I say this with all best wishes - you have to start making better decisions right here and now.

For all the children involved. And yourself.

We all appreciate you have witnessed abuse as a child and are suffering abuse now and that makes things very difficult for you, it messes with your mind and you are no doubt afraid - but you really must break the chain.

The ex wife is a total red herring - agree with others she will have been victim to his violence too. Stop blaming her and demonising her. It's your partner who is the problem - you have to leave him.

And of course you must call the police!

Sorry I have been reading but I'm feeling pretty shit today.

My nose is bruised and very sore especially on the right side of it and I have a pale purple looking shadow under my right eye too.

I am going to document with my GP as someone advised - thank you for this idea it's a lot less stressful but at least it's there if needed.

I have made an appointment for a family mediation place because as I understand you can't just get a contact order through the court the judge likes to see you have made an effort. I feel maybe I can use mediation to say to him I want him to have supervised access and then if he decides not to agree I have the information with the GP and can make a report before the order got put in front of the judge.
I think that would work and would hopefully takeaway some of this stress. I haven't stopped throwing up all day and it's not morning sickness. There is a big knot in my tummy and it's horrible.

Hoping tonight I sleep better last night I kept waking and then having very vivid dreams when I eventually fell back to sleep.

My baby has been a monkey tonight she normally has daddy give her tea and get her to sleep so I guess it's a change for her. On a positive I have scrubbed the tiles in my hall and kitchen and now they are gleaming.

Onwards and upwards tomorrow is a new day and can't be any worse than the last two days. Thank you all for your posts and experiences it's nice not to feel lonely I don't know too many people up here and its good to have a unanimous vote.

I spoke to one of my friends today she rang to see why we hadn't come round and she was shocked but seemed to be trying to say 'it's a one off its horrible but I bet he's scared himself' sort of thing.

Anyway enough rambling I must try to sleep.

I spoke to one of my friends today she rang to see why we hadn't come round and she was shocked but seemed to be trying to say 'it's a one off its horrible but I bet he's scared himself' sort of thing.

Don't listen. Some 'friends' will be like that. They want the social group intact, they aren't prioritizing your children like you are.

I hope you sleep better.

Where is your P?

I'm not sure why you told us about the friend who minimised his appalling violence (which, by the way, could have killed you. You know that right? Any blow to the head can kill)...please stay strong and please don't listen to this dangerous shit.

As many wise Mumsnetters have said...if a stranger violently attacked you in the street would you hesitate calling the police for a second? Would any of your friends and family say 'Oh I'm sure he was having a bad day/it was a moment of madness'?

Even so glad you are seeing your GP and you have an appointment with family mediation.

Take photos and, if you can, get him to admit in a text or to someone else what he has done. What if you text/email him a photo of your bruised face and ask him if he is proud of himself or just ask for his comments?

Maybe that would be too confrontational for you but it's just a suggestion.

I still think you should consider phoning the police for advice. He assaulted you, it's extremely serious. He is dangerous. Head butting is a particularly nasty thing to do.

Has anyone linked to the freedom programme yet?

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Thank you for your replies. I guess I'm worried about Social Service especially as being pregnant. I don't want my daughter or the Bean to be 'known' to them if that makes sense.

Have spoken to a solicitor this morning and they have suggested getting a police report and then applying for a non molestering (sp?) order which would mean he can't contact for the time being and obviously he has no other means to get contact with our daughter. This would then mean that we had to go to mediation and then if not agreed or I refused to arrange contact he would have to have to apply to court.

The solicitor advised not putting him on the birth certificate of the next baby so he has no PR apparently he can apply for this at a later stage but for the time being the ball is in my court.

I also asked about him giving up PR of our daughter and apparently the court would have to decide if this was in the child's interests or not.

Re getting him to admit it. He's not in contact and I don't know where he is probably hiding away for the time being.

His mums being really foul today and I have decided to have no contact with her for the time being as I don't need the stress or her upset either. She's not heard from him and doesn't know where he is.

I don't want to report him missing but it may be needed so we can sort things out.

In an ideal world I would like him to say he agrees to supervised contact without the need for court and solicitors and police reports ect. it's really stressful and actually making me feel ill thinking about sorting it all out.

It must have been really bad if you have a bruise coming up, make sure you get pictures of what he has done.

I know you don't get along but I think you need to contact his ex and tell her what has happened. She needs to know so that she can protect her daughter as well.

I hope you are ok, this must have been such a shock.

Going to the GP or Police, doing the Freedom Programme, taking legal advice, seeking mediation and supervised contact if possible....

All of these things will be seen by SS as you responding appropriately to the violence to protect yourself and your DC IF they ever get wind of it.

You're doing really well.

Does his mother know he has hurt you? I'd go crazy if my son did that. This man sounds like a total arse. It sounds like he's been playing the two off against each other for years. It sounds like his ex feels like she's finally free and he knows he can't punish her any more so he's turned his ire on you. You haven't mentioned anything about her or her children. You really need to tell them about what has happened, no matter what animosity exists between you her children have just as much right to be protected as yours and she needs to know so she can get contact supervised if necessary.

Oh, love, please, please call the police and tell your GP asap.
You are not "Tearing your family apart" - HE is by choosing to be violent.

I have been there and involved everyone I could - SS were brilliant and so was my health visitor, GP and Women's Aid worker.

He head-butted you. Fucking hell. Mine said 'I hope you die" on the evening before I went into labour. That was enough for me to throw him out.

Does his mother know he has hurt you? I'd go crazy if my son did that.

He probably has no remorse whatsoever and will spin a good line to his DM and the rest of the world about how OP wronged him and he still has no idea why she threw him out.

Breaching a non-molestation order is an arrestable offence. Unfortunately a nasty piece of work can still find ways to make your life a misery while apparently still complying legally, so do ring the police if he turns up looking for trouble.

I suspect you're absolutely right Donkey. Not least because he seems to have done a really good job of convincing the OP what a monster his ex supposedly is over the last few years. I fear a few chickens are coming home to roost.

Wrong thread MoanCollins?!

Donkey is totally right. His mum doesn't believe me and thinks I'm lying. No one has heard from him since the incident on Sunday so I have reported him missing to the police. He's on anti depressants but hasn't taken them with him. I couldn't forgive myself if he's found dead. His mum the ex wife all his friends colleagues noones seen him. He has no phone on him or bank card.

All I wanted was for things to calm down and for him to agree to supervised contact. Now it appears he's disapeard off the face of the earth. I'm wondering if he's shocked himself and he's gone somewhere to clear his head but this was something that I really didn't need.

If (and I very much doubt it) he had harmed himself it would be no-one's fault but his own, I hope you can see that. It doesn't matter about his mum, I assume you have taken photos of yourself/seen GP so there is evidence of what happened if she cares to find out. I think he is trying to shift things with you by making you concerned for his welfare now, so that you'll be pleased when you finally hear from him.
It's interesting that this began when he was finally divorced - maybe now you are in the "wife" position he wanted to exert his control over you as his ex is free of him. But you may never know why, you are doing the right thing by keeping your dd safe you have acted very bravely. Women's aid could advise you all about the implications of going to the police I think.

I have been to my friends tonight with my daughter it was lovely to get out the house and stop thinking about things.

We had a brilliant chat and I am finally realising things that have taken me three years to figure out. Like why EW is always causing trouble because to her she's been hurt by both me and her XH he left and then shacked up with someone new had a baby quickly where as for her it's taken her a very long time to conceive SS like over 8 years so of course she is resentful because she would of been feeling I had everything she should have had. Not just those reasons but a lot lot more which I won't go into.

And the reason MIL is such hard work and always sides with EW is because she has an elder GD that got taken away from the family by the mother and no one has a relationship with the GD. This obviously worries MIL and she has to invite EW on holiday and to family events otherwise she feels EW could just stop the SC from seeing anyone in the family. Admittedly I always thought it was because MIL wanted to try to cling on to the marriage and make it work it's not that at all. I am going to phone her tomorrow and apologise for being such an immature bitch over what for her is probably a really emotional situation.

Not heard from P the police think he's in a different county and are in communication with his friends and family. EW got a knock on the door at 1am this morning so no doubt that's gone down like a cup of cold sick. It only adds fuel to her fire but also reminds her of why she doesn't want him back.

Also had it confirmed that P has never been violent to EW which was interesting. Her best friend is married to P best friend and today during a phone call from him it came into conversation which is very strange maybe MIL said to EW about the headbutt?

Sorry for ranting away on here it helps to clear my head especially when I can't sleep. Today supprisingly I'm feeling a lot better and stronger. Solicitor tomorrow at 11 to sort out a supervised access court order thing that's a major stress for me right now but it will be much better this time tomorrow. Have spoken with HV today again she's a really lovely lady and she wants P to turn up safe and well and for both the children of ours to have a relationship with there dad by whichever means. I have been thinking of relocating back to where I'm from and have had a brilliant talk with my mum she's said she will help as much as possible with the babies even if it's just having them both for an hour so I can have a hot bath or going to the dentist. That would be lovely because with two babies and no partner I really think things will be hard. I know I'm lucky to have that offer. Ideally I would move back before this baby is born incase I have to have a CS again because the recovery was horrible last time can't imagin being on my own and having two babies to look after. Those first few days are hell on earth in the horrible string pants and milk coming in its awful!!

I'm off to bed to snuggle my little girl I have taken to bringing her into bed with me in the morning it's a bad habit to start so I have promised myself that tomorrow is the last naughty morning and then we will have to get up and snuggle on the sofa I don't want to form a bad habit for her.

These is nothing wrong with having your daughter in bed with you, nothing at all, and if it helps you or her feel better than go for it x

Thank you Adara it's a mutual security thing when I watch her she seems to sleep better in those couple of hours than the rest of the night. She's safe and happy that's my priority :)

Tbh the occasional extra snuggle with your LO especially now that her dad's absent and things at hhome are different will be just what she needs.

I should think he will lie low for some while and in the meantime good to see a solicitor and keep your DM in the loop.

That is an interesting point about MIL pulling out all the stops to stay in touch with the grandchild and so remaining on close terms with EW. Maybe if you were able to get across that you do see it now from her pov she would thaw towards you.

Extra snuggles sound like just what you both need, don't feel guilty for them.