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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want her in my house?

126 replies

DisappointedCake · 01/02/2015 18:25

The NotsoDP's ex wife is a nightmare. Nasty bullying manipulative behaviour displayed to us and their eldest child. An awful lot of negative behaviour over the last three years, abusive phone calls/emails, snide comments to family members, bullying the eldest child.

She's taken it upon herself to come in to my home and play with my daughter upon handover this morning. I am fuming!

I never enter her home or even attempt to. I sit in the car when collecting the SC or dropping them off. Never do I attept to get in her car nor do I attempt chatting to her asides from the polite 'hello' 'nice/horrible weather' 'anything to know about the kids?' Topics.

She had to walk through / open 3 doors to get in to my lounge so it wasn't a head round the door situation.

Up until the divorce was finalised a fortnight ago she would stay in her car on the road upon collection or pick up but now the divorce is through its as though she wants to be friendly?! Or am I getting the wrong end of the stick?

AIBU? (If so I blame it on the pregnancy hormones)

OP posts:

Arsenic · 01/02/2015 23:33

You poor thing

Original poster

DisappointedCake · 01/02/2015 23:38

needs it's not that I'm in control or that I control him normally we are a partnership and things are working out. I don't think controlling anyone in a relationship is healthy but going forward I am going to have to be in control of him seeing our daughter to keep her safe. I do understand what you meant before about it being his house and his daughter too the way we had always been was it was our family and what was best for us and obviously after today it's what's best for my daughter and I'm going to have to make those decisions myself from now on. It's weird because we always joke that it's our daughter who's the boss of our house.

OP posts:

Adarajames · 01/02/2015 23:39

Unless you report it to the police then you won't be able to stop him from having access to your daughter, you need to report this do you can endure he only gets supervised access.
You also need to ensure he doesn't worm his way back in, putting up and your daughter in danger!

nooka · 01/02/2015 23:41

If you are not comfortable about ringing the police OP would you consider going to the GP/minor injuries/A&E? It sounds as if you should get your nose checked out regardless, but also it could be very useful to have your injuries recorded.

frankie001 · 01/02/2015 23:43

Please call the police. Don't let him back into your life. This is a bed he has made for himself.

mimishimmi · 01/02/2015 23:56

Sounds like both you and the ex would be (in your case) and are (in hers) well-rid of him. I have a feeling that his ex only came in the house after their divorce was finalized not because she wanted to annoy you but because she felt relaxed about him not being able to control her anymore in anyway. Guaranteed it's not the first time he's done it. She may really have felt those things she said to her 7 year old, I don't think the sentiments are particularly unusual especially if they are still married to the DH (not 'dear husband' - the other one).

Original poster

DisappointedCake · 02/02/2015 00:01

Re the GP that is a good idea because then it's on file for a later date. Do they have a duty of care to inform SS or the police?

Not a chance will he get back in to our family unit not after this.

Haven't received a phone call or text to either say sorry or to ask how our daughter is. That to me shows he's understood that we don't want him here. That's a positive. Weird weird day little one is finally asleep I might run a hot bath and have a soak maybe it will make me tired. We have a hospital apointment in the morning so I need to be bright and sparkly for that.

OP posts:

frankie001 · 02/02/2015 00:03

Hope you get some rest.

Original poster

DisappointedCake · 02/02/2015 00:03

mimi I don't understand the last part of your post. But yes I totally agree good riddance to bad rubbish.

OP posts:

Arsenic · 02/02/2015 00:07

I think she means dickhead

MsPavlichenko · 02/02/2015 00:41

OP, there are no positives. My XH first assaulted me at about 20 weeks pregnant with DS. No signs previously, and very happy I thought. Violence was infrequent, but control issues got worse and worse. When I was pregnant with DD, had to take my DS (disabled) to hospital for serious hip surgery wearing sun glasses to cover black eyes. To my shame I was still justifying it as we were so stressed etc .

Don't be a fool (like me) You will all be happier without a violent man in the house. If he loves his children he will ensure a good relationship with them continues. This is not your responsibility.

It is never a one off, it is only the first assault. Sorry to be brutal.

Original poster

DisappointedCake · 02/02/2015 00:50

arsenic ha yes I get it now thank you.

ms I'm so sorry to hear you have been where I am. How did you get rid of him? Does he still see your children. Very true my only worry is that if I was to move back home he wouldn't be able to make the journey as its so far and there I would be punishing my daughter by moving her away from her dad. It's such a hard thing to have to do I'm basically in control of my daughter having a relationship with her dad her dads side of the family and her half bro and sis.

OP posts:

MsPavlichenko · 02/02/2015 01:12

I left him. Met my current partner, and gave me courage to leave. Within six weeks. My late DM also pointed out that it helped ensure he actually accepted end of relationship, although were still control issues for years,. Yes he sees the children regularly, but on his terms, but was always like that. He lives in an upstairs flat so has never had our 23 year old DS (wheelchair user) to stay in 12 years. Overnight trip every other year to football. DD (17) no longer stays, but sees him. He loves them, but I can't make him a better Dad. This was the hardest thing for me to accept.

I had/have wonderful relationship with ILS, especially LMIL, who I miss every day. They were, and are supportive of us all, and are now friends with my DP. That meant that my DC were seeing them, BUT, that was through my relationship with them . I forced myself to stop managing his, even when he let both DC and his DM down, for example. It is extremely difficult to get there, but you have to accept that you are not responsible for his choices. You won't be preventing your DD having a relationship with him/ILS, he will if he chooses not to .

Quitelikely · 02/02/2015 08:00

I don't believe for one minute that this is the first time he has lifted his hands to a woman.

The EW was probably thinking she would let you learn the hard way considering you said she is so spiteful.

If you don't document this it's not on record and therefore as far as the authorities are concerned never happened.

TheEfficiencyMovement · 02/02/2015 08:59

How about just phoning the police for advice. They see this type of thing all the time. You could call 101 and see how it goes.

It's understandable that you are thinking of you children but can you imagine that they would want you to stay with someone who head butted you.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 02/02/2015 09:47

I know you don't want your DD to miss out on a relationship with her step brother & sister or for her to miss out on a relationship with her dad, but you must keep her safe first. She will not thank you if she comes home from unsupervised access with him after being shouted at, hit, neglected. How will this affect her if it starts at a young age?

You say your early memories are seeing your dad at a contact centre and you don't want that for your DD. But you were safe (or should have been). Surely it's up to your P to prove that he's safe to look after your DD unsupervised, that's for him to do. If he can't do that (or can't be bothered), then you can't change that, all you can do is allow your DD to see him in a situation that means he can't show violence towards her. I can quite imagine that a contact centre isn't ideal but if it meant my DD was safe, I'd do it. Rather that than worry sick that she's being hurt (physically or mentally) during contact at his home.

Personally I think you should report it, maybe one of the domestic violence charities might be able to give you some more information about this and what might happen next. However, imagine the damage done to your daughter's (or step children's) face had he done the same to them.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 02/02/2015 09:48

And really thinking of you, it's an awful situation to find yourself in, through no fault of your own. I hope you get over your injuries soon and can find the right path to protect you and your DD.

notnaice · 02/02/2015 10:56

You have no option but to never let him back. Please stay strong. To let him return would be a huge mistake.

fedupbutfine · 02/02/2015 11:59

The EW was probably thinking she would let you learn the hard way considering you said she is so spiteful

Don't make this about the ex wife. Whether she was fully aware of his behaviour or not, very, very few new partners would heed the advice of the ex. I know my ex's fiance is having the wool pulled over her eyes in quite a spectacular way but there is nothing at all I can do about it - she wouldn't believe me and would likely see me as nothing more than bitter and twisted. I am not spiteful and have no issue with her whatsoever but yes, she will learn the hard way.

qazxc · 02/02/2015 13:11

Please op, call the police. Even if you end up not pressing charges,at least it will be on record. A man capable of headbutting his pregnant partner is dangerous.

nunkspugget · 02/02/2015 13:17

Police now op. Stop wringing your hands over his access to his kids, a man whose first reaction to his pregnant dp making him angry is to headbutt her needs to be kept away from kids!
He used his HEAD to violently smash you in the face op!! There is a glimpse of the real man right there.

elizalovelacey · 02/02/2015 13:28

Please keep your baby and yourself safe, stay away from this violent man.

MoanCollins · 02/02/2015 14:03

Let me get this straight, you started a relationship with this man when he was still married. You ignored all the warning signs about him and had a child with him despite him clearly being a bit of a spanner. Judging from your previous threads you clearly resent his ex wife and his children and you feel that you are the one who is entitled to bear a grievance even though you know you played a major role in the break up of their family.

Now he's shown his true colours and you can no longer blame everything on the ex. And despite the fact you now know he's violent but you won't report it to the police making it impossible for her to take the necessary steps to protect her children from this man. And you've somehow warped it so that reporting him would give him one up on you? Can't think why she doesn't like you.

Yes she will probably have a wry smile that you've learnt the hard way, but you have to report this to protect all his children, you have a duty to.

MoanCollins · 02/02/2015 14:03

Give HER one up on you.

Arsenic · 02/02/2015 14:14

Hope you're ok.

Getting your GP to note any injuries is a good middle way.

I did that the first time EXH attacked me (too shocked for police first time) and was able to refer to the details in an injunction application later.

Might be worth some thought?

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