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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want her in my house?

126 replies

DisappointedCake · 01/02/2015 18:25

The NotsoDP's ex wife is a nightmare. Nasty bullying manipulative behaviour displayed to us and their eldest child. An awful lot of negative behaviour over the last three years, abusive phone calls/emails, snide comments to family members, bullying the eldest child.

She's taken it upon herself to come in to my home and play with my daughter upon handover this morning. I am fuming!

I never enter her home or even attempt to. I sit in the car when collecting the SC or dropping them off. Never do I attept to get in her car nor do I attempt chatting to her asides from the polite 'hello' 'nice/horrible weather' 'anything to know about the kids?' Topics.

She had to walk through / open 3 doors to get in to my lounge so it wasn't a head round the door situation.

Up until the divorce was finalised a fortnight ago she would stay in her car on the road upon collection or pick up but now the divorce is through its as though she wants to be friendly?! Or am I getting the wrong end of the stick?

AIBU? (If so I blame it on the pregnancy hormones)

OP posts:
youarekiddingme · 01/02/2015 20:41

Sorry to hear it's come to this.

Was he violent to EW do you know? That may be why she came in. If one of the SC said something she may have been doing it as a welfare check. Sounds far fetched - but sounds like you'd better off having a chat with this woman and not fighting her.

BlueBrightBlue · 01/02/2015 20:47

Shit, I missed the thread about the assault.
This isn't about his girlfriend it's him.
He head-butted you, you have to press charges for the sake of the kids and yourself.

poorincashrichinlove · 01/02/2015 20:54

She's clinging on to some power after the divorce.

rinabean · 01/02/2015 21:00

Maybe what he's said about her isn't true. Maybe she has a reason that she hates him but wants to be friends with you and your daughter. :(

Headbutting someone in the face isn't something you can simply do out of anger and feel genuine regret for. Headbutting your pregnant girlfriend in the face?? It's not right!

FloatIsRechargedNow · 01/02/2015 21:00

OP are you PG by this man?

Original poster
DisappointedCake · 01/02/2015 21:17

Sorry for the slow reply my daughter won't settle down for bed so she's back in her jumparoo happy as Larry.

Yes to pregnant 19 weeks I think. Totally unexpected and very shocking have thought of termination not sure what to do in all honesty.

She's never once mentioned violence ever nor has any of her family or his. The only physical thing I'm aware off is she hit him once and ripped his shirt when he took the kids home one day.

I doubt it was done as a welfare check but I like your thinking. She always questioning SD about what we have in the house so I think it was more of a nosey thing.

The chains are on both doors so he couldn't get back in if he wanted too.

In answer to someone's question it wouldn't be a case of reporting to make EW happy or unhappy its a massive thing to do and would totally tear him away from all his children.

And also we have tried doing all pick ups and drop offs and when this happens he stays outside but recently she's wanting to bring them over here instead of us taking them for meals soft play ect.

OP posts:
DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 01/02/2015 21:22

He's headbutted you. Please stop thinking about things in terms of 'us' as in you and him.

What is putting you off reporting him to the police? If anyone else in the world headbutted you, would you phone the police? If your best friend/daughter (when she's grown up) told you their partner had just headbutted them, what would you advise them to do?

UmizoomiThis · 01/02/2015 21:48

He grabbed a woman by her shoulders, holding her so she couldn't move and with all his strength he slammed his head into this pregnant woman's head.

If you read that, would you be advising this woman to say nothing because reporting a violent man to the police might mess up his unsupervised contact with children?!

BlueBrightBlue · 01/02/2015 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 01/02/2015 21:55

Have a look through all the threads on here. I'll pay you actual money if you can find one single thread where a poster says

'and my parents stayed together for the sake of the children, and im so glad they did'

You'll find a large quantity of posts saying how hurt and damaged they are because their parents made them live in awful situations with parents warring, toxic or abusive relationships.

You'll find a ton of posters saying how they knew exactly what was happening, no matter how much the late to thought they covered it up.

You'll find many posters getting very upset at the idea pushed on them by their parents. That the child must be Grateful for the parents staying together. That the child is beholden in some way. That the child must shut up and put up about the hellish childhood they have. They must be thankful for the sacrifice the parent made. Ugh. It makes those posters feel sick, bitter and hurt.

It's never the right choice.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 01/02/2015 22:08

So he head butted you basically because you annoyed him?

And you have a 3 year old and are pregnant?

Here's the thing about babies - they can be really annoying.

Here's the thing about 3 year olds - they can be even more annoying.

Are you willing to take that risk?

CalicoBlue · 01/02/2015 22:11

I can not believe a man would ever think it acceptable to headbutt a woman, under any circumstances.

Nothing he could do or say would make this all right. You can not accept this for you and your children.

Have you heard from his mother? she cannot possibly condone his behaviour.

It also seems a very extreme reaction to the conversation you were having, is there more to this that you do not know?

Original poster
DisappointedCake · 01/02/2015 22:21

I guess so yes because in the past as recent as last weekend we have always communicated with each other over issues with the EW and the SC. All of a sudden she is in my house I confront him on it and he goes balisitc totally flipped his lid.

No a 7 month old daughter and 19 weeks preg.

No I'm not willing to take the risk that's why I got him to leave almost immediately after and have taken his keys so he can't get back in if I'm out. He's taken enough clothes for a couple of weeks.

Right now I don't want to see him or be near him I do want to know why he's done this and what's caused him to flip like this.

He's never been like this before which I know isn't an excuse I'm just shocked and very angry and disappointed. I'm not scared because he can't get near us I'm in control now and that's because I have kicked him out.

The more I think the worse i imagine the fall out with his family will be.

No I really don't think my daughter and the SC would have a relationship at all. EW hates that I have contact with her kids as it is so I doubt she would allow it and in the same breath I wouldn't trust her to look after my daughter for the afternoon ect.

OP posts:
Ledkr · 01/02/2015 22:25

Good grief. Why so much hatred and animosity?
Mine and dh's dd had her 4th birthday party today, the 4 yr old dd of my exh and his gf (who was the ow 10 yrs ago) came and had a fab time with us and her half siblings.
Life really is too short for all this negativity IMO

Ledkr · 01/02/2015 22:30

Oh dear!!
Totally apologise for not reading the full thread.
Dreadful behaviour, I'm really sorry and hope you can get some support to do what you need to do.
Good luck op

Ledkr · 01/02/2015 22:30

Blush mortified

Original poster
DisappointedCake · 01/02/2015 22:33

Not heard from his mother yet which is suprising we are in good contact normally.

I do not condone what he has done I will never forgive him for this but is it fair to tear the children apart and take them away from there dad.

It's not an excuse for him at all but with the divorce and the last couple of years drama and issues with EW he has been diagnosed with depression. Now I'm pretty sure he's been taking his tablets as I have been moaning at him regularly to remember.

Possibly EW has said something to upset him on drop off but that's no excuse for me to cop for it.

My daughter is my number one a million times over I need to think things through re reporting him all I do know is he's not welcome in this house or near my daughter on his own and won't be for a very very long time.

I don't know if it's going to do any good to anyone to make it 'official' by involving the police. I really don't know.

OP posts:
BlueBrightBlue · 01/02/2015 22:38

If this is for real, would you want your babies to have contact with a violent man?

TheEfficiencyMovement · 01/02/2015 22:39

You mention your 'D'P going ballistic in another of your recent thread. Normal loving partners don't 'go ballistic'.

You can not stay with someone who has head butted you. You simply can't.

hedwig2001 · 01/02/2015 22:56

So sorry this is happening Disappointed.
"all I do know is he's not welcome in this house or near my daughter on his own and won't be for a very very long time. "
If you don't report his attack, you will have little legal power to stop him.

Original poster
DisappointedCake · 01/02/2015 23:09

led it's fine honestly don't worry. That sounds like a lovely situation for you all to be in its great that exs do get on sometimes.

blue this is real unfortunately. It's not that he's not violent because after today he clearly is but he's not normally like this so the normal him yes I would like my daughter to have contact with but this thing that he is today not a chance not in a million years.

the today's been totally different from anything he's ever been like in the past I do understand I can't stay with him I realise that and that's fine it's just the police making it official I am struggling with.

hedwig thank you I didn't realise about the legal part. I think I'll contact my daughters health visitor in the morning and see her advice re the legal standing and social services.

OP posts:
CalicoBlue · 01/02/2015 23:10

This results in the 13 year old thinking daddy is moving home to mummy and taking our joint daughter with him.

Why do you think this?

You need to protect yourself and your kids. Your partners reaction was extreme, your MIL has not called you....Don't want to make things seem worse, you need to think of yourself now.

Arsenic · 01/02/2015 23:12

You're going to need something sturdier on the door than chains, if the idea is to prevent forced entry.

Glad to hear you've made the most important decision.

Do you think you'll sleep?

Original poster
DisappointedCake · 01/02/2015 23:24

calico SD is always making comments along these lines. Maybe three a visit. She's confused and I can't blame her. I'm not sure if to call MIL in the morning and let her know what's going on rather than her hearing from EW. Yes definitely putting my daughter first without a doubt.

arsenic not to prevent forced entry I doubt he will be back tonight I think it will be tomorrow tail between his legs but more for a security for me head if that makes sense?! No sleep I'm pretty sure im tired but too stress/thinking through everything. Thinking have I missed something? Have I missed a talk where he's said he wants EW in the house? Or maybe that the whole divorce has been a lie and they are secretly back together and he's gone balisitc because I don't want her near my daughter or in my house? Or maybe he's met someone else and was waiting for an excuse to leave? Or maybe he's been lying about taking his depression tablets? Or a zillion other things in all honesty. My heads spinning, my nose hurts and I feel sick. Baby girls not sleeping well. Teething is awful.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 01/02/2015 23:28

Please ignore my previous post.

You do get to dictate to violent abusive partners and parents often because it is the only way to keep yourself and your children safe.

Wonderful fathers do not assault the mothers of their children not for any reason ever.