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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want her in my house?

126 replies

DisappointedCake · 01/02/2015 18:25

The NotsoDP's ex wife is a nightmare. Nasty bullying manipulative behaviour displayed to us and their eldest child. An awful lot of negative behaviour over the last three years, abusive phone calls/emails, snide comments to family members, bullying the eldest child.

She's taken it upon herself to come in to my home and play with my daughter upon handover this morning. I am fuming!

I never enter her home or even attempt to. I sit in the car when collecting the SC or dropping them off. Never do I attept to get in her car nor do I attempt chatting to her asides from the polite 'hello' 'nice/horrible weather' 'anything to know about the kids?' Topics.

She had to walk through / open 3 doors to get in to my lounge so it wasn't a head round the door situation.

Up until the divorce was finalised a fortnight ago she would stay in her car on the road upon collection or pick up but now the divorce is through its as though she wants to be friendly?! Or am I getting the wrong end of the stick?

AIBU? (If so I blame it on the pregnancy hormones)

OP posts:
ilovechristmas1 · 01/02/2015 19:46

oh god i used to have this,not with her ex anymore

she used to live 1min walk,their son was 15 so no drop of he used to pop in whenever he wanted

she used to to turn up alone asking to use the landline as she only had a mobile and was always getting cut of

it normally happened when i was having work done to the house

1 time my now ex was refitting my kitchen,it was chaos,she stood there and used to say "do you remember when we done our kitchen blah blah blah)it was awful, every time work was being done she would turn up and talk about their old house

she was a nosey cow and had alot of jealousy,she lost her house and had to go into renting she blamed him for it(it was both their fault),i have my own place and she had a real problem with it

they had been divorced 7 yrs but it was as if it had only been recent

she was a loon

op make a stand otherwise it will get worse

Original poster
DisappointedCake · 01/02/2015 19:55

Thank you all for your replies I just wanted to see if there was an unwritten rule somewhere!

Have had a discussion with my DP this afternoon it ending in him calling me jealous and headbutting me in the nose. I asked him to pack his bags and leave the house.

I wanted to know if I was BU before his mother calls up later no doubt to want to know what's happened.

OP posts:
EveDallasRetd · 01/02/2015 19:58

Hold on. He headbutted you?

Well at least you won't have to see his ex any more, you aren't going to stay with him are you?

I'm so sorry love.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 01/02/2015 20:00

Oh god I'm so sorry.

Please, PLEASE tell me you have called the police, and taken photos of your injuries. Because you need to make damn sure this guy will now not be having unsupervised access to your DD or coming back into your home.

Original poster
DisappointedCake · 01/02/2015 20:02

Yeah Eve a headbutt i guess he thinks he's a wrestler. I don't know its so hard to make the decision.

My biodad was abusive and my stepdad was terrible so I wanted to have a happy childhood for my daughter but is it worth it? I'm not sure.

OP posts:
Arsenic · 01/02/2015 20:04

Be sure. It is NOT worth violence.

Flowers
EveDallasRetd · 01/02/2015 20:05

If he's hit you once he will do it again. Your daughter will NOT have a happy childhood if her father is abusing her mother - and what happens when she's a tantrumming 3 yr old, or stroppy pre-teen, or obnoxious teenager? Will he headbut her too.

Please don't. Don't let him back.

Photos, police and kick him to the kerb. You have to.

Original poster
DisappointedCake · 01/02/2015 20:08

they I'm trying to make that decision. It's hard because he loves all his kids to peices and I know the ex wife situation is hard for him and not seeing the kids all the time is hard for him too. And if I went to the police she would revel in the fact that it would be a million times harder for him to see there joint kids.

Also my daughter wouldn't have a relationship with her half brother or sister and it would be a terrible shame to deprive them all of that.

The ex wife isn't one to share child contact times willingly (something we have all fought over she feels my daughter and I should be out of the house when her kids come over) so they wouldn't be able to do a shared contact center.

Having been the kid seeing her bio dad at a contact center it's not something I want for my daughter either. It's one of my earliest memories.

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedCake · 01/02/2015 20:12

arsenic thank you.

eve that's exactly what I'm frightened of. I have moved 200 miles to live near his kids (none of his family is here) so have no family support myself. I have got settled booked my daughter into nursey and I don't think I could afford to move home ( west London) my mum couldn't put us up as she has a small house and my disabled brother loves with her.

OP posts:
MagicMojito · 01/02/2015 20:13

Its not hard to make the decision. You have already said that you refuse to have toxic people around your daughter. A man who head butts the mother of his child is a toxic person. You both deserve better. What a twat AngryAngryAngry

Have you got some RL support OP? X

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 01/02/2015 20:14

God God, you cannot think like this.

Loves his kids to pieces? Are you joking?

Would you have preferred your earliest memories to be of your dad headbutting your mother?

Quite frankly, if this is what this man is (headbutting, bloody hell - there are no words) - then if he sees his children less, or in a more controlled environment - bloody good. And your daughter? The best thing you could do for her, her security, her future, would be to walk away from the lot of them.

Stop thinking about him. Stop making excuses for his domestic violence. Protect your daughter.

EveDallasRetd · 01/02/2015 20:14

Darling. Those problems are not insurmountable. You can and will get past them. You can't get past bringing your child up with an abuser.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 01/02/2015 20:15

You HAVE to move back, get out, whatever. You need to SEE THIS. Toxic? That's him, right in front of you.

Please call the police, now.

littleleftie · 01/02/2015 20:16

Sweetheart you have to call the police. If you don't he will just come back and do it again and again.

If you report it you can make him leave.

I know you are in shock right now but not reporting an assault because his ex will be happy about it makes you look ridiculous.

Of course your daughter would still have a relationship with her siblings - you are making excuses because the reality of what has happened is so awful.

I really feel for you but you do have to call the police and keep yourself safe. Thanks

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 01/02/2015 20:17

My biodad was abusive and my stepdad was terrible so I wanted to have a happy childhood for my daughter

Do you really want to risk your daughter going through the same as you did?

Call the police. Show your daughter that she doesn't have to put up with this sort of behaviour.

MagicMojito · 01/02/2015 20:19

Xpost

Well hes even more of a twat now. I really feel for you.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/02/2015 20:26

I am shocked he assaulted you, are you all right? The idea of keeping quiet or minimising this so your DD can have contact with half siblings is misplaced. This man is not fit to be near children if he loses his temper like that. If ever his ex complained of violence and he dismissed what she said please rethink. He could have caused you serious injury.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 01/02/2015 20:27

No happy childhood ever included the words "we had a lovely time, daddy headbutted mummy then we all sat down to tea"

the happiest childhood you can give to your child is to not be with a man who abuses you.

I am so sorry he did this to you. For your sake and for your daughter's sake - both now during her childhood and for the time when she is grown up and deciding what a normal relationship is - get out of this relationship.

I really hope you choose to go to the police. What he has done is completely wrong.

If his mother calls and isn't outraged when you tell her that he headbutted you, then there's something fucking wrong with her.

lunar1 · 01/02/2015 20:27

I hope you are ok op. There may be a reason the ex is the way she is. He may have been violent with her. A headbutt is incredibly aggressive, don't give any second chances.

coolaschmoola · 01/02/2015 20:28

He's a violent man who assaulted you in your home, I assume your dd was in the house? That is unforgivable lovely.

It also makes me wonder if it's part of the reason his ex is how she is - because it is HIGHLY unlikely that this the first time he has been violent towards a woman...

SlicedAndDiced · 01/02/2015 20:28

Sweetheart he head butted you!

From this moment on your daughters future is in your hands.

You are much more vulnerable to picking men like this because of how you grew up.

It will be your little girls broken nose in a few years time, broken by the shithead she will pick because of your example.

Arsenic · 01/02/2015 20:32

What would you advise your DD, if she was in this position?

Stratter5 · 01/02/2015 20:32

He head butted you? Piece of shit, maybe the XW isn't so bad after all.

Your daughter WILL have a happy childhood. Just one without cowardly filth who think it's ok to headbutt people.

BlueBrightBlue · 01/02/2015 20:35

Sooner or later you are going to have to call a truce.
This silly carry on of handing over DC's at arms length is really petty.
You don't have to like each other but you do need to attempt to maintain some level of " normal" behaviour or the kid's are going to pick up your animosity which could be quite damaging.

gobbynorthernbird · 01/02/2015 20:37

Ok, so I was going to promote you being chilled about this. But what the actual fuck? Your problem isn't with the ex, it is your partner. Call the police, LTB.