To feel a bit miffed about paying maintenance??

[phoenixrose314]

My DH and I recently set up a joint bank account for the first time. We've been together for 8 years, married for 5 of them, and finally decided to sort out finances so we're equally paying the same amount, as at the moment we're making around the same amount of money.

He gave me the number he'd calculated that I need to transfer to the joint account each month to cover all our bills - I asked him to do it as he had a day off and he's a lot better at maths than I am. It seemed a bit steep so I asked to see the list of calculations - he handed them over and I was a bit surprised to see that he'd included his child maintenance payments for my DSS and DSD in amongst the rest of the outgoings for each month.

Now I love my stepchildren to bits, they spend a lot of time at ours and I do contribute by buying their gifts at birthdays and Christmases (DH is usually stumped for ideas!), and am always taking them for days out and buying them the odd thing when we're out and about... We have a great relationship and we've luckily never had any issues. THAT I am happy to do.

Am I being unreasonable to assume that I shouldn't contribute to DH's maintenance payments? I want to bring it up but have a slight feeling DH will overreact/be really moody with me for it.

"wheresthelight if you MARRY a parent then that makes you responsible!"

No it doesn't. Why would you think that? It's daft.

I think YAprobablyNBU, but it depends on how much spending money that leaves you both. You should both end up with reasonably similar amounts for it to be fair. That said I also don't agree that all money has to be family money, that works for some people, but is not for everyone!

mythicalkings marriage is a legal contract that makes the partners responsible for the others debts and responsibilities, did you not realise that>?
It is not all about the white dress and the party!

YANBU. Im amazed he put it down without consulting you first; and also that you are cautious about raising it with him. Makes one wonder what happened with his first wife...

does it hell make me responsible. I had no part in creating dp's kids. they are HIS kids with his EXW the ONLY people financially responsible for them are HIM AND EX WIFE

yes that is true wherethelight as long as you dont marry them!

Goneintohibernation, what I meant by family money is that it all comes out in the wash anyway. DH and I dont have a joint account, we pay different outgoings and have our own savings etc but that means that in periods when I am earning more, I tend to pay for the holidays etc, when he is earning more it swaps so although theres no joint account it all ends up working out.

even if I marry him I am still not responsible for HIS KIDS

Why on earth would you feel awkward bringing it up Op?....Id be pretty annoyed if my DH was expecting me to pay maintenance for His dc.

"A step-parent even if married to a parent of children does not acquire Parental Responsibility for a child automatically. Parental Responsibility is the bundle of rights and duties relating to a child. Duties include providing clothing, a home, an education and making sure no harm comes to the child."

Borrowed from a family solicitors website.

I can see both sides to be honest. But the fact is a step parent has no financial obligations to their step children.

In answer to the why marry question...I'm marrying Dh because I love him, he is my best friend and we have a beautiful daughter together.

When I work and dp becomes a sahd dsd will carry on receiving the same amount of maintenance. All our finances are joint but I can see how in the op's case wire have been crossed. If finances were separate and dp had used my money for maintenance without discussing it I would be very cross.

If they lived with you id assume you would pay jointly, but the issue then is you'd have a say in how the money is spent. I would say maintenance payments should be his responsibility, they are pre existing commitments. Thus maybe a harsh way to look at it but if partner had huge debts pres relationship would you expect to takeover half loan repayments?

Of course you shouldn't pay. Maintenance is his sole responsibility. If that means you have more disposable money for yourself each month, so be it. He ibvu to consider it a family outgoing. We all make our own choices and you earn your own wages. Sharing utility bills, grocery and household costs is not the same as child support.

great minds sliced! I was trying to find the relevant wording on the government website

I think it is completely unreasonable to expect you to pay half of his child maintenance payments.

As you are keeping your main finances separate and have a joint account for join payments, then maintenance is not joint expense. Though if he says that because of maintenance he needs you to pay a bit more into the joint account as otherwise he will be short, that sounds better than saying 'here, this is your half of my maintenance payment'. I think a lot of it is in the principle.

How have you done bills, rent/mortgage in the past 5 years? Has one of you taken responsibility for each.

My DH and I keep our own money, he earns considerably more than me, we have a joint account for joint expenses inc food. No child expenses are included in that. He pays for his and I pay for mine. Though in a way he does pay for my kids as he pays a higher percentage into the account. I have no idea if he pays his ex any maintenance, as he is RP in theory I doubt it.

From the OP - Yanbu to be a bit miffed. Have you been paying half the CM up to now?

I would say it depends on how your finances are worked out. If everything is shared, and went into the joint account, (and in an ideal world spending patterns by each are roughly equal, both partners are sensible with money etc) - then CM should come out of the pot.

But if you have separate finances, each equally contributing a carefully calculated amount to cover household bills to a joint account, and you keep the rest of your money separately - then I think he should pay his CM. It's calculated on his salary alone, so you are effectively subsidising him.

CMS would calculate the maintenance payment figure on his income alone, therefore you aren't directly responsible.

Whether or not you and your DH want to include that into the 'household bills' is a matter to be discussed. Personally I wouldn't, even though of be happy to pay for expenses when the child stays over.

Time to have a talk with him OP.

I think even if you didn't pay half of cm would you not end up paying more for family days out, social stuff, adding to savings ect as he would have less money in his personal pot.

Could he pay cm and you put the same amount in savings?

Take the calculation, cross out or delete the maintenance, and recalculate and pay that into the account each month.

It is his maintenance, not yours. You already pay towards his kids by paying into a mortgage/rent for them to have rooms, food, days out, and anything that the joint pot is used for. The actual hardcore maintenance, is from his pot.

If the children loved with you would all their expenses will be your husband's responsibility or would it come out of the household expenses? I have 2 children from a previous relationship and if dh said everything they needed was solely my responsibility and he only ever contributed towards the two children we have together I'd be seriously reconsidering our relationship.

*lived with you not loved!

in the example you give Kim you are talking about the household the Op lives on. she is being told to contribute to someone elses. and in law your dh has no financial obligation to your children with a previous partner.

Kim82 - does your DCs' father not pay towards their upkeep?