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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit miffed about paying maintenance??

342 replies

phoenixrose314 · 31/01/2015 07:34

My DH and I recently set up a joint bank account for the first time. We've been together for 8 years, married for 5 of them, and finally decided to sort out finances so we're equally paying the same amount, as at the moment we're making around the same amount of money.

He gave me the number he'd calculated that I need to transfer to the joint account each month to cover all our bills - I asked him to do it as he had a day off and he's a lot better at maths than I am. It seemed a bit steep so I asked to see the list of calculations - he handed them over and I was a bit surprised to see that he'd included his child maintenance payments for my DSS and DSD in amongst the rest of the outgoings for each month.

Now I love my stepchildren to bits, they spend a lot of time at ours and I do contribute by buying their gifts at birthdays and Christmases (DH is usually stumped for ideas!), and am always taking them for days out and buying them the odd thing when we're out and about... We have a great relationship and we've luckily never had any issues. THAT I am happy to do.

Am I being unreasonable to assume that I shouldn't contribute to DH's maintenance payments? I want to bring it up but have a slight feeling DH will overreact/be really moody with me for it.

OP posts:
simontowers2 · 31/01/2015 10:25

Kim your husband would be perfectly entitled to say he didnt want to pay for two kids that you and somebody else created.

angeleyes72 · 31/01/2015 10:28

I think yabu. If a man moved in with you and you had dc and he refused to share half the bills there would be uproar. So don't see the difference really.

Only1scoop · 31/01/2015 10:28

Kim....if you dc lived with your ex....would your Dh be happy to pay maintenance?

wheresthelight · 31/01/2015 10:30

angel but that is talking about the household the Op lives in. would you want to pay another persons mortgage just because you happen to live with their ex?

wheresthelight · 31/01/2015 10:34

and we are nit talking about household bills we are talking about child maintenance.

if dp and I ever split up and we both found new partners I would not expect either to support dd financially, that is for me and her dad to do. what they contribute towards rent and utility bills is irrelevant as that is a completely separate issue

BathtimeFunkster · 31/01/2015 10:34

YANBU

But now that you know that he's a pisstaker, you should keep a much closer eye on this "pooled" money.

His child maintenance is his expense. Not yours. Expecting you to stump up for half of it with no discussion is really not cool.

CountingThePennies · 31/01/2015 10:40

Sunny

You do not take on your husbands debts and responsibility when you marry them you are talking rubbish!

Dh has debts from many years ago, i am not responsible for these debts as they are in his name not mine.

Its not the step mums name on the birth certificates, so paying for the children is nothing to do with her!

Fwiw im a high tax payer, dh earns nothing what i earn, do i pay the child maintenance?

Do i hell !

SunnyBaudelaire · 31/01/2015 10:42

OK I was wrong I admit.
In this case OP you need words with your DH

PatrickOShea · 31/01/2015 10:45

YANBU. I wouldn't expect a DC's fathers partner to pay maintenance for any of my children Shock
Household bills and the like are all shared between you and DH. Money for bringing up the child is to be shared between your DH and DSC's mother.

CountingThePennies · 31/01/2015 10:47

Sunny i gather you have had a bad experience in this department

CupidStuntSurvivor · 31/01/2015 10:49

I think you should discuss it with him really so you're both happy with whatever arrangement you come up with.

The way I see it though, if his DCs were living with you, the cost of raising them would come out of the household budget rather than his personal budget. So personally, I'd consider maintenance payments for children living elsewhere the same way.

ssd · 31/01/2015 10:51

I really really dont get married couples who split their money up and he pays this and she pays that

that's not a marriage, its a house share

Viviennemary · 31/01/2015 10:57

If it's to be shared money then I think it should come out of the joint account. If you resent paying this then you shouldn't really have married a man with financial responsiblity for children. I think it is a difficult one and I can see it from both sides.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 31/01/2015 10:58

is nobody grasping the legal difference between DP and DH?

When it comes to CM on a normal (none arrears) enforceable assessment there is no difference. It is based solely on the actual parents income partner/wife/husband of the NRP is not taken into account.

op

If he is that keen on you considering it to be your bill as well assuming your on approx the same income, as CM is based on income will he be doubling what his ex receives given that he's now including your income into the sums?

SunnyBaudelaire · 31/01/2015 10:58

you could say that, counting!
since my exh remarried we have not seen a penny! I am one person supporting three of us. I am quite sure it is the influence of his new wife that has caused the situation.
However OP sounds a lot nicer than that and does contribute in her own way.

dogelove · 31/01/2015 10:59

Alot of people are assuming that both the OP nad her partner are putting their full wages into an account, and therefore everything is "family money", in which case of course the OP would be contributing - if only through technicality.

However, from what I understand, both the OP and her partner have their own separate accounts. They then transfer a set amount of their wages into a joint account for common expenses.

If that is correct, then I think your partner is taking the fucking piss by assuming you will be contributing towards his child maintenance. You should be paying for things which are a JOINT expense. Mortgage, food, bills, etc.

He needs to be paying his maintenance with his own money left over from the amount he transfers into the common account.

I'm sorry, but to suggest that you are somehow equally financially responsible for HIS children is idiotic. Stuff like food the kids eat, stuff they have when they are staying with you - maybe. But the maintenance payments?

No.

I would sit him down and say, quite bluntly, "You need to pay for your children's maintenance payments from your own money, not the joint account. Your children are wonderful, but I am not going to accept equal financial responsibility for them when I am not their mother".

If he sulks, let him.

fedupbutfine · 31/01/2015 11:01

in the example you give Kim you are talking about the household the Op lives on. she is being told to contribute to someone elses. and in law your dh has no financial obligation to your children with a previous partner

really? if I moved in with someone working part-time on minimum wage, I would lose the child tax credits I now receive. If I moved in with someone earning £60k plus I would lose the child benefit I currently receive, as well as the child tax credit. There is indeed legal expectation that a couple combines finances and their expenses are joint. What would then happen to my children if, for example, my new partner and I were to have another child and my income where reduced to SMP whilst I were on maternity leave? If my partner and I wanted me to be a SAHM, should he not have to make a contribution towards existing children in our household as a result? what would happen if I were temporarily sick and unable to work - a diagnosis of cancer I recovered from 12 months later? Or I got run over by a bus and was never able to work again? Should my partner earning £60k plus not have to ensure that all the children in our household were fed and watered in those circumstances?

I have no expectation that my ex's partner should directly support our children. However, there is a very, very clear expectation - legal and societal - that my existing children should be supported by my new partner.

heartisaspade · 31/01/2015 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wheresthelight · 31/01/2015 11:07

fedup actually there is no legal notion that says that at all or expects it

and as absent father's are told, if you can't afford to maintain the financial standard of your existing kids you shouldn't be having more with a new partner should you.

your children are the sole responsibility of you and their father no one else.

Viviennemary · 31/01/2015 11:08

I'm genuinely surprised by the amount of people who think the partner should not contribute towards the maintenance. Because if a woman with children moves in with a man, usually expenses for the children food and so on would be shared. If somebody said well I'm not paying for the food your DC's eat then there would be an outcry. The living arrangements are not usually decided by children so why is it different.

Bonsoir · 31/01/2015 11:12

Viviennemary - I don't think your assumption holds true and it certainly isn't the law.

Only parents are responsible for their DC's upkeep.

Viviennemary · 31/01/2015 11:17

I know it isn't the law. But I do think there would be an outcry if partners said they weren't contributing to any expenses incurred by their partners children from previous relationships. Like let's deduct this that and the other because only your DC's eat this. Or I'm not giving towards petrol used for ferrying your DC's around. It's unthinkable.

PopularNamesInclude · 31/01/2015 11:19

No you should not pay for his CM in the circumstances you describe. I assume you do not have children of you own because if you do it is obvious that the money you earn is for your dc and no one else's. He pays his CM from his account and also contributes to his share to the joint acct for bills Etc.

EvilTendency1 · 31/01/2015 11:20

That's taking the piss.

His dc so he should be paying for them.

EBearhug · 31/01/2015 11:21

I think some of it depends on how you pool the finances.

Let's say that the outgoings (excluding maintenance) each month come to £1000. The household income is £5000, made up of £2000 from Person A (40%) and £3000 from Person B (60%).

How much should each pay in?

  1. An equal split of the outgoings - A pays £500 and B pays £500. A will be left with £1500 for themselves and B will be left with £2500.
  2. A proportional split of the outgoings. A pays £400 (40%) and has £1600 left over. B pays in £600 (60%) and has £2400 left over.
  3. An equal split left over, so you agree that each of you will have £1500 at the end of the month. This means A pays in £500 and B pays in £1500 - this means £2000 is being paid in each month, double what is actually required, so the surplus should go towards family holidays or a new car or in case of emergencies.

Obviously I just chose nice round figures to make the arithmetic easy for illustration.

I would say of those 3 scenarios, assuming B has to pay maintenance, 1) & 2) means it should be from what B has leftover; 3) from the joint account. If it's A who pays maintenance, 1) or 2) would leave them with a lot less cash than B unless the maintenance was added to the outgoings from the joint account. Others may not agree.

Either way, you need to make a joint decision on how you pool the finances, and you need to discuss together whether you cover all the maintenance from the joint money or some of it or none of it. If you can't talk about it because your husband will be annoyed, then you've got bigger problems than just money. You shouldn't abdicate financial responsibility ever - you should understand what is happening with your money and how it is used always, but particularly when it's tied up with someone else and particularly if you can't communicate with each other; in that situation, you probably shouldn't be sharing finances at all.