To feel a bit miffed about paying maintenance??

[phoenixrose314]

My DH and I recently set up a joint bank account for the first time. We've been together for 8 years, married for 5 of them, and finally decided to sort out finances so we're equally paying the same amount, as at the moment we're making around the same amount of money.

He gave me the number he'd calculated that I need to transfer to the joint account each month to cover all our bills - I asked him to do it as he had a day off and he's a lot better at maths than I am. It seemed a bit steep so I asked to see the list of calculations - he handed them over and I was a bit surprised to see that he'd included his child maintenance payments for my DSS and DSD in amongst the rest of the outgoings for each month.

Now I love my stepchildren to bits, they spend a lot of time at ours and I do contribute by buying their gifts at birthdays and Christmases (DH is usually stumped for ideas!), and am always taking them for days out and buying them the odd thing when we're out and about... We have a great relationship and we've luckily never had any issues. THAT I am happy to do.

Am I being unreasonable to assume that I shouldn't contribute to DH's maintenance payments? I want to bring it up but have a slight feeling DH will overreact/be really moody with me for it.

Lol, I think you've shown your true colours.

I don't get this idea of his and hers and I really really don't.

I have an expense every month - one most people would think as very large and that is my season ticket for the train from the west country into London cost me just under £1000 per month.

So is this my expense and do I still pay 50% of the house hold bills (as we take home the same before my season ticket cost) leaving me with a lot less disposable income each month?

Or do I pay a proportion that is less than him to compensate for the fact I incur an additional expense so that we have the same disposable income which means he is subbing my choice not to work locally which I can do and to work in London.

It was my choice to work in London and incur these costs but we see it as a joint cost and even though he is paying more in to household expenses than before this job and therefore is worse off on a month by month basis - its part of being in a partnership for us.

maurice I think the fundamental difference between the cost of a commute (or, my previous example of Super Bowl tickets) is that you, and you alone, can make the decision about whether it happens or not, and therefore influence and control the impact it has on your life as a couple.
If the length/cost of your commute was impacting on the quality of your DHs life (ie, limited time with his spouse), then you can act to change it.

It is likely that he is happy to financially support you, because he also emotionally supports you.

But for many stepmums, that isn't the case. They do not emotionally support the parenting decisions their spouse makes regarding his non-resident children. He may be a Disneydad, he may acquiesce to his ex's demands "for a quiet life" at the expense of the family, or he may be distant and unavailable to his DCs. He may not be pursuing more contact with them. He may overlook their violence or abuse in her home. In those instances, it's probably very hard for a stepmum to make financial sacrifices herself, in order to support her spouse to fulfil his financial commitment to his DCs.

A stepmum who financially supports her stepDCs is doing so to support her DH. It is not an a altruistic gesture to support the DCs - if it was, then the contribution would be irrespective of her marriage to their dad. If the stepmum can't emotionally support him as a parent, it's unlikely she will feel comfortable doing so financially.

What's clear from MN is that many, many stepmums don't discover the nature of their DH as a parent until they are committed to the relationship. Indeed, often the marriage itself, or the arrival of subsequent children, fundamentally changes the way in which the NRP parents those DCs. So, a stepmum who may have been willing to be both financially and emotionally supportive when she committed to the relationship is faced with a situation she was unprepared and unaware of.

The equivalent would be, for instance, if your commute suddenly involved something your DH fundamentally disagreed with. (Let's say, for instance, that you had to practice a particular religion in order to travel); would he be as willing to make financial sacrifices to support your commute then?

If OP is being billed for half the maintenance by her partner then he is managing to reduce his contribution to his own DCs and only pay half of the prescribed amount required. YANBU, he has got a nerve.

peruvian I don't get your logic. I think maurice is spot on.

sorry but I don't think £1000 per month in travel is a "family" outgoing. you made a choice and it should come out of your own money same as maintenance is not a "family" outgoing and is the responsibility for paying it is that's the parent

how strange the op never came back?

maybe she got enough ideas for her article?

Every marriage works out its own path with what is fair relating to money. If you think DH is being unreasonable, you should just talk to him.
His children are not your financial responsibility, but the well being of your marriage is.

Personally, I've never really understood how marriages can work when one person has lots more money than the other. Do you go on different holidays? One of you gets a nicer room in the house? Does the high earner expect loads of gratitude whenever they pay for something the other can't afford? I couldn't be bothered with the stress that would cause.
But I know lots of marriages do work like that and are very happy.

So work out the right solution for you by talking to your DH.

If OP is being billed for half the maintenance by her partner
He's not a "partner", he's a husband.
Whatever he has to pay to whoever reduces the total disposable money for the family.
If the OP is happy to divide up when children are in the house, why not when away? They don't stop being part of the family by being out of the house.
Will the OP go for dinner alone if he can't afford to split the bill because he had to pay maintenance?
I just can't understand how a marriage like this can work happily.

I just can't understand how a marriage like this can work happily.

Because couples can be happliy married even if they don't agree with every choice and decision their spouse makes.

A spouse is under no obligation to contribute to prior financial commitments that their OH has.

They may choose to, but that is likely to be conditional on their agreeing and emotionally supporting their spouse in those choices.

If one spouse disagrees with the choices and actions their partner makes, then they are unlikely to make a financial contribution in order to perpetuate that choice.

Is his ex's new partner (if she has one) going to pay him some money for when the children are with him and the OP?

Probably because he already pays for most of the time they are with their mother. That's why the OP's partner has to pay maintenance.
I very much doubt his maintenance even covers half of the expense she has with the children.

Gee. Another OP pulling the pin and running. What a surprise.

When DH was paying maintenance, that particular standing order (along with all other standing orders/direct debits) came out of the joint account, simply because that’s where both our salaries go. It would have seemed silly to keep £x per month out of the joint account just because that's the amount he pays the ex.

But ……. if DH had, god forbid, been unable to work/earn, then there’s no way I would I have continued with maintenance at the same rate, irrespective of how much money was in the joint account. DH is liable for maintenance, not me. If his earnings had reduced or stopped, then the maintenance would have been adjusted accordingly.

I have an expense every month - one most people would think as very large and that is my season ticket for the train from the west country into London cost me just under £1000 per month.

So is this my expense and do I still pay 50% of the house hold bills (as we take home the same before my season ticket cost) leaving me with a lot less disposable income each month?

Or do I pay a proportion that is less than him to compensate for the fact I incur an additional expense so that we have the same disposable income which means he is subbing my choice not to work locally which I can do and to work in London.

I have a take on commuting costs the people might find interesting. I consider them not a personal or joint expense, but an expense of working. Like income tax, it's an unavoidable expense of me doing my job. As with income tax, I subtract the expense from my salary to arrive at a net salary figure. That net salary figure then feeds into whatever arrangement for expense-sharing there is.

Doing it this way wouldn't make any difference if finances were being pooled, but it can affect the outcome in other arrangements. If each person is paying 50% of bills then in your case that would leave you with less disposable income. However the less disposable income is because of having less net income, and is a consequence of using a 50:50 system, which works less well the more the two incomes differ.

I would pay it if we were splitting all the expensesi. Live in Step parents pay towards their step children within joint finances, so why would you not? Surely marriage is a partnership where you take on children from previous relationships? Also, if the CSA were involved they would take your earnings into account when assessing your husbands ability to.pay?
If they lived with you, would you expect him to buy their food and pay separately for their share of heating etc?

Also, if the CSA were involved they would take your earnings into account when assessing your husbands ability to.pay?

Why does this myth continue to be perpetuated?

A stepmum has no legal responsibility towards her DSC (financial or otherwise) unless a court awards her parental responsibility (which would then continue even if the marriage ended).

A stepparent cannot give medical consent, choose schools, sign legal documents or be held accountable for their DSC - why do some people think it's their responsibility to pay???

My exes partners second wife's earnings were included in his assessment. It isn't their responsibility to pay but if you marry someone then surely you accept to share financial commitments.

Davsmum
My exes partners second wife's earnings were included in his assessment

I can't even work that out.

When I had my daughter I stayed home for a while with her, at that time we had a tricky relationship with his ex (its great now) and she called the CSA (she always insisted they were involved and never wanted a private arrangement) and told them she was sure I was working, we had to send no end of statements and proof that my partners income was all we had and what our outgoings were, this resulted in her CM being put down so we made up the shortfall ourselves. Anyway, the CSA had assumed me a salary, which in turn assumed my partner had more disposable income which in turn put his payment up, so indirectly my salary would have been taken into account (mortgage £500, he pays £250 for example)

if you marry someone, then surely you accept to share financial commitments?

I accept shared commitments, such as mortgage, gas, council tax etc, however I have no responsibility WHATSOEVER towards DH’s ex wife (thank god). And thankfully the law backs that up.