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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit miffed about paying maintenance??

342 replies

phoenixrose314 · 31/01/2015 07:34

My DH and I recently set up a joint bank account for the first time. We've been together for 8 years, married for 5 of them, and finally decided to sort out finances so we're equally paying the same amount, as at the moment we're making around the same amount of money.

He gave me the number he'd calculated that I need to transfer to the joint account each month to cover all our bills - I asked him to do it as he had a day off and he's a lot better at maths than I am. It seemed a bit steep so I asked to see the list of calculations - he handed them over and I was a bit surprised to see that he'd included his child maintenance payments for my DSS and DSD in amongst the rest of the outgoings for each month.

Now I love my stepchildren to bits, they spend a lot of time at ours and I do contribute by buying their gifts at birthdays and Christmases (DH is usually stumped for ideas!), and am always taking them for days out and buying them the odd thing when we're out and about... We have a great relationship and we've luckily never had any issues. THAT I am happy to do.

Am I being unreasonable to assume that I shouldn't contribute to DH's maintenance payments? I want to bring it up but have a slight feeling DH will overreact/be really moody with me for it.

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 31/01/2015 08:59

This reply has been deleted

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tobysmum77 · 31/01/2015 08:59

why bonsoir if it means he can't pay. much into the joint account?

tobysmum77 · 31/01/2015 09:00

as much Hmm

Jbop · 31/01/2015 09:00

I'm quite astounded your DH didn't discuss this first, and I'm also surprised you have been married for 5 years without a joint account. But anyway...

The mumsnet tenet which i think is brilliant is you should end up with roughly the same disposable income.

If your DH is left with hardly anything after paying maintenance while you have £000s spare every month, how will it work practically?

wheresthelight · 31/01/2015 09:00

inequity maintenance is based on the parents income only

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 31/01/2015 09:00

boffinmum the op has said nothing about the resident parent. Her question is when the pool their finances should she be involved in paying for his DC's. When you marry someone who you know has DC's you are agreeing to be involved. His payments may well of been increased due to their joint income and therefore his payments are more because hea with op so i do think she should contribute. The op can choose to not be in a relationship with a man with children.

ChippingInLatteLover · 31/01/2015 09:04

If a Dad chooses to be a SAHD for a subsequent family, of course maintenance should still be paid to his first children. If they can't, as a family, afford to do that, then he needs to work. If the new wife disagrees with paying it out of 'her' wages then she needs to stay home while he works.

OP, in your situation though, where you still have separate finances, it's entirely up to you whether you want to share the expense with your DH or not. Until now you haven't been technically, but have you been paying more of your household expenses than him?

SlicedAndDiced · 31/01/2015 09:06

I thought the wife/partners income of the nrp was not taken in to account in csa calculations?

If you only have one pot of money for the family then obviously the maintenance payments will come out of that.

But I get the impression from your post that your finances are still separate, you just share some costs. Did I get that right?

In which case no, you shouldn't be paying his child maintenance. You have no financial responsibility towards your Dh's children. If you divorced you wouldn't be paying him maintenance for them would you?

needaholidaynow · 31/01/2015 09:07

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SlicedAndDiced · 31/01/2015 09:10

to be honest boffinmum if a woman does not want to find herself in that situation of paying for someone elses kids then she should not marry used goods

Can I just point out I think this is an absolutely disgusting thing to say about anyone who has had children from a previous relationship.

Would you call all the single mothers on this forum 'used goods' or is it just the men?

needaholidaynow · 31/01/2015 09:11

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SunnyBaudelaire · 31/01/2015 09:13

OK 'used goods' was not a good thing to say but perhaps I have some personal experiences that have made me bitter and nasty.
Apologies if I have offended anyone.

SunnyBaudelaire · 31/01/2015 09:14

but why DO women marry men with children and then not want to pay for them? are they walking around asleep?

tobysmum77 · 31/01/2015 09:16

No one has yet explained the maths to me. Both partners have net of 1500 a month. Household expenses (including maintenance of say 300) are 2200 per month.

So both pay in 1100 leaving 400 a month each for personal expenses. If it's kept out then both pay in 950 a month and he has only 250 a month but dw has 550 a month left.

So surely he'll just be completely skint in comparison to dw and to be able to participate fully in their life dw will end up subbing him anyway. Unless you are both much better off. I think it depends on income level, whether this is equal etc tbh, it comes down to individual circumstances. If the ops dh earns more then it would deffo be different.

Foolishlady · 31/01/2015 09:18

I am more than happy to pay the increased costs of dsc in our household, of which there are many - increased holiday cost, bigger house, food, electricity, more expensive days out - but wouldn't be happy to contribute to another household. That is between dp and dsc's mother.

waithorse · 31/01/2015 09:19

YANBU.

needaholidaynow · 31/01/2015 09:19

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Hellokittycat · 31/01/2015 09:22

If you are sharing finances then you share finances. All household expenditures are split and you get equal spending money each so you should include maintenance as a household expenditure.
If you say 'well that's HIS cost to bear then you are getting down to split finances rather than joint. You can then no longer class as joint expenditure your travel card to commute to work or his dentist bills etc as they are one of your costs not literally joint.
By having joint finances you are taking all the individual costs that need to be paid for household as a whole and you are splitting them proportionally by how much each of you earn (which is equally as you earn similar amount) regardless of what the household expense is

heidiwine · 31/01/2015 09:23

Foolish lady - I completely agree.
I have absolutely no problem with paying towards our household expenses and if DPs children lived with us these would increase and I wouldn't expect anything I contributed to be adjusted. I have a big issue with contributing to their mums household. Why should I be expected to pay for that? Why should I work to subsidise DPs ex choosing not to?

SunnyBaudelaire · 31/01/2015 09:24

well it would depend on individual circs wouldnt it?
Sorry but I am really bitter about this, but to be honest I doubt if the average stepchild spends 50 per cent of the time at dad's.

wheresthelight · 31/01/2015 09:25

sunny - because they are not our responsibility to pay for! the responsibility falls to the children's PARENTS

MythicalKings · 31/01/2015 09:25

I'd be miffed in OP's place. The joint account is meant to be for joint expenses. His DCs are not her responsibility. And he has a monumental cheek to not even discuss it.

Perhaps he didn't think it through and just listed his monthly expenses. He needs to be reminded.

Obviously it would be different if all incoming money was in one account but it isn't. So the money should come from his account.

omnishambles · 31/01/2015 09:27

Hmm this is difficult. I would tend to view it as in any cost they brought with them to the relationship, i,e. a car loan or another debt they were paying off each month. Presumably it isnt a surprise that they have these costs and therefore one way or another they come out of the money the family has to spend as a whole.

I am not best placed to comment on how the other woman feels but I am constantly Confused about ds stepmum's surprise at ds existance and the issues that arise from that as if she had mentally blocked him out from the picture she would have of the marriage.

SunnyBaudelaire · 31/01/2015 09:27

wheresthelight if you MARRY a parent then that makes you responsible!
if you are not up for that then don't marry them. Which you didn't right? so you are fine,
ffs.

Cabrinha · 31/01/2015 09:30

YABU simply because you made him do the calculation because you're not good at maths?! Get a calculator, add up outgoings, divide by two. Don't act helpless over numbers.