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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit miffed about paying maintenance??

342 replies

phoenixrose314 · 31/01/2015 07:34

My DH and I recently set up a joint bank account for the first time. We've been together for 8 years, married for 5 of them, and finally decided to sort out finances so we're equally paying the same amount, as at the moment we're making around the same amount of money.

He gave me the number he'd calculated that I need to transfer to the joint account each month to cover all our bills - I asked him to do it as he had a day off and he's a lot better at maths than I am. It seemed a bit steep so I asked to see the list of calculations - he handed them over and I was a bit surprised to see that he'd included his child maintenance payments for my DSS and DSD in amongst the rest of the outgoings for each month.

Now I love my stepchildren to bits, they spend a lot of time at ours and I do contribute by buying their gifts at birthdays and Christmases (DH is usually stumped for ideas!), and am always taking them for days out and buying them the odd thing when we're out and about... We have a great relationship and we've luckily never had any issues. THAT I am happy to do.

Am I being unreasonable to assume that I shouldn't contribute to DH's maintenance payments? I want to bring it up but have a slight feeling DH will overreact/be really moody with me for it.

OP posts:
peggyundercrackers · 31/01/2015 08:41

I'm surprised so many people are saying Yanbu when on other threads these same people make the point of saying all money is family money and it is joint money and any man that doesn't agree to this is being FA.

BoffinMum · 31/01/2015 08:42

There's a case for finances to be pooled, but the OP setting herself up as family accountant and doing her own spreadsheet/budget/split equations for the pair of them.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 31/01/2015 08:43

boffinmum the resident parents liftstyle is not relevant.

needaholidaynow · 31/01/2015 08:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Theoretician · 31/01/2015 08:47

I would clarify if he is assuming

(missed a word.)

SunnyBaudelaire · 31/01/2015 08:47

boffinmum that is completely irrelevant.
If you MARRY a man in this situation then I am afraid you have to suck it up.
sorry I hate that expression.
But women seem to go into marriage in total naivety or with their eyes shut.

SunnyBaudelaire · 31/01/2015 08:48

and needaholiday you managed that because you were sensible enough not to marry him.

Fluffycloudland77 · 31/01/2015 08:49

I think you need to take more interest of the finances, sod not being good at maths, I'm not either but if you let another person control everything it's open to abuse.

BoffinMum · 31/01/2015 08:50

Why not? If a parent can't be bothered to find work to support themselves and their children, it's a bit harsh to turn around to another person who is not the mother of your children and expect a subsidy just because she has bothered to find work.

Preciousbane · 31/01/2015 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SunnyBaudelaire · 31/01/2015 08:51

to be honest boffinmum if a woman does not want to find herself in that situation of paying for someone elses kids then she should not marry used goods.

BoffinMum · 31/01/2015 08:51

I have argued to suck it up but said I would be miffed if I felt someone was taking the piss.

BTW OP I agree maths is not required to do this. Excel will do the arithmetic for you. Just teach yourself how to organise things to best effect.

FuckOffGroundhog · 31/01/2015 08:51

Are any of the children living at home with you, yours only? Or are they all his?

Bonsoir · 31/01/2015 08:51

needaholidaynow - my DSSs live with us (DSS1 has now gone to university but of course holidays are long) so it isn't a question of paying for someone else's household (I agree that the very concept is outrageous). Nevertheless my own resources are very much shared between three DC and I would have a lot more disposable time and energy were the DSSs not around. That's enough!

BoffinMum · 31/01/2015 08:52

Wise words, Sunny Wink

chillybillybob · 31/01/2015 08:53

So op if you had a child from a previous relationship, that lived with you would you expect to but a higher percentage in the "pot' for living expenses than your dp does?

Only1scoop · 31/01/2015 08:53

Yanbu.... He shouldn't expect you to pay that.

SunnyBaudelaire · 31/01/2015 08:54

I think so, boffin, after all what is wrong with just living together and keeping finances separate?
Sadly too many of us have been brainwashed into thinking that the big wedding and white dress is the be all and end all of our lives.

wheresthelight · 31/01/2015 08:54

they are his kids not yours so legally you are not responsible for maintenance and shouldn't have to pay towards it and to be honest in your position I wouldn't. Dp and I have done similar calculations recently as I will be going back to work after having had dd and maintenance wasn't mentioned only joint outgoings ie childcare, mortgage etc. you need to discuss with your dp and urgently.

tobysmum77 · 31/01/2015 08:56

The bit I dont understand about this is unless you are very wealthy why it matters. The household expenses still need to be paid and if dh keeps money out for maintenance he won't be able to pay as much in (so his dw will still indirectly be subsidising maintenance).

Bonsoir · 31/01/2015 08:57

Of course it matters.

Preciousbane · 31/01/2015 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoffinMum · 31/01/2015 08:58

Sunny, I have been thinking for a while that all this comes about from ongoing differential pay and conditions for women. If all pay was equal, and people got fully paid maternity/paternity leave, it would mean everyone could pay their share of all children arising from all relationships. However I realise that's more complex in practice than it looks in this post.

Charlotte3333 · 31/01/2015 08:58

MY Ex pays maintenance for our 9 year old out of his salary. He has a long-term partner who also works full time and has a child of her own who lives with them. When he was out of work for a few months last year he didn't pay. It didn't cross my mind to expect his DP to pay and I wouldn't have been comfortable with her doing so.

DH and I both work and he's never questioned that both of us pay for ES' needs and wants regardless that he's not his biological Dad. If ES went to live with his Dad and we had to pay maintenance, I have no doubt my DH would offer half of it without needing an in-depth discussion.

SunnyBaudelaire · 31/01/2015 08:58

is nobody grasping the legal difference between DP and DH?