To feel a bit miffed about paying maintenance??

[phoenixrose314]

My DH and I recently set up a joint bank account for the first time. We've been together for 8 years, married for 5 of them, and finally decided to sort out finances so we're equally paying the same amount, as at the moment we're making around the same amount of money.

He gave me the number he'd calculated that I need to transfer to the joint account each month to cover all our bills - I asked him to do it as he had a day off and he's a lot better at maths than I am. It seemed a bit steep so I asked to see the list of calculations - he handed them over and I was a bit surprised to see that he'd included his child maintenance payments for my DSS and DSD in amongst the rest of the outgoings for each month.

Now I love my stepchildren to bits, they spend a lot of time at ours and I do contribute by buying their gifts at birthdays and Christmases (DH is usually stumped for ideas!), and am always taking them for days out and buying them the odd thing when we're out and about... We have a great relationship and we've luckily never had any issues. THAT I am happy to do.

Am I being unreasonable to assume that I shouldn't contribute to DH's maintenance payments? I want to bring it up but have a slight feeling DH will overreact/be really moody with me for it.

davesmum and blonde How long ago were the situations you refer to?

The Child Maintenance system has gone through many changes and in the midst of time, there may have been a time when spouses/partners income was a consideration - but the DCs subject to those arrangements will be all grown up, now!

I know that when divorce settlements are considered by the courts, a "new" partners income can impact on the settlement awarded to each party - but the rules calculating CM are very clear - and many injustices are a result of this being a used by NRP (for instance, a stepmum being named as a company director in order to reduce the income of the NRP in paper)

Yes I think the system has changed since then, I would be talking 10 years ago now, and God it was a nightmare, they wanted £900.00 a month at one point to include arrears that did not exist due to my non-existent salary, it was a nightmare as partner only earned 1300 a month back then.

I've also heard horror stories about the 'old' system - wasn't it something down the lines of "calculate the minimum possible amount that a man needs to live on, and pay everything about that to the ex"?

Yep petal02 that's about right, I used to beg friends to let me have their Boots points to buy formula and nappies, luckily we got it sorted out to a mutually
acceptable conclusion bit it was a terrible few months.

We're going back a good few years, but I knew a non-resident father who was a policeman - the CSA calculated that he could live on practically nothing, and then deducted everything else direct from his salary. And of course it's not like the Police Force Payroll Dept would agree to pay you in cash (!) or do anything creative to 'help'. He ended up resigning from the police force. He couldn't live on what was left of his salary, and couldn't face a future of working in tough job for hardly any pay.

I don't think his story is unusual.

I have in the past earned considerably more than my DP (salaries are much more even now). He has always paid CM based on what he was earning and out of his own account. If that meant he was short of money, I would pay for more stuff / nights out / holidays for us, or give him some money. I consider supporting him financially part of the deal I made, but not supporting his child, that's his and exWs responsibility. And it's important to him to feel like he is supporting his child himself. Given that he was paying far less into our household than I was at the time, I also didn't feel it was my responsibility to 'top up' the amount he was paying beyond CSA. And as someone above pointed out, if he was single he'd still have been paying the same amount, and be much worse off at the end of the month given that he'd have no-one to share the rent with etc.

Yeah, we had tears over the phone trying to explain that we wanted to be fair to his first child but we needed to eat and live somewhere, I think they used to just take whatever an ex wife said as gospel, we had to complain and were given a sympathetic adjudicator who finally believed I did not have a fat salary and off shore accounts, by then we were in shit street financially, thank God things have changed and our relationship with his ex became amicable

I think it's often forgotten that providing for a child is the responsibility of BOTH the bio parents, not just the father .......

We had a similar problems under the old rules. I'm glad to hear it's changed now. I'm all for men and women being held to account for their dc but the amount they wanted from us was just impossible. Dhs ex went to csa for increase after I started work) I actually thought that they'd fucked up somewhere as they way they had worked the increase out meant that over half my earnings would be gone, on top of what dh was already paying. I had to wait several weeks before sending my wage slip as I'd literally been employed a week when the letter came. I can well believe the news stories at the time of suicides due to csa demands.

I'm not saying the system is right or fair now, I don't know, but sounds like it might have improved?

DH's ex tried to get an increase when DH and I first started living together (she obviously thought my salary should be taken into account). It was quite hilarious, because the CSA actually pointed out that DH was paying £50 per month than their suggested amount .....

As the maintenance is an unavoidable expense like the mortgage or utilities bills, I would think it be removed from the joint pot of money before the remainder is split between you both.

Needaholiday no, she didn't get an increase!