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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit miffed about paying maintenance??

342 replies

phoenixrose314 · 31/01/2015 07:34

My DH and I recently set up a joint bank account for the first time. We've been together for 8 years, married for 5 of them, and finally decided to sort out finances so we're equally paying the same amount, as at the moment we're making around the same amount of money.

He gave me the number he'd calculated that I need to transfer to the joint account each month to cover all our bills - I asked him to do it as he had a day off and he's a lot better at maths than I am. It seemed a bit steep so I asked to see the list of calculations - he handed them over and I was a bit surprised to see that he'd included his child maintenance payments for my DSS and DSD in amongst the rest of the outgoings for each month.

Now I love my stepchildren to bits, they spend a lot of time at ours and I do contribute by buying their gifts at birthdays and Christmases (DH is usually stumped for ideas!), and am always taking them for days out and buying them the odd thing when we're out and about... We have a great relationship and we've luckily never had any issues. THAT I am happy to do.

Am I being unreasonable to assume that I shouldn't contribute to DH's maintenance payments? I want to bring it up but have a slight feeling DH will overreact/be really moody with me for it.

OP posts:
DeliciousMonster · 31/01/2015 17:06

Those who are saying they wouldn't take on spouse's pre- relationship debts would I am sure be happy to accept half the worth of the spouse, (house in nice area, car, savings, pension), that was acquired before.

No, my OH's houses' worth will be passed onto his daughter when he goes. Why would it be otherwise?

needaholidaynow · 31/01/2015 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 31/01/2015 17:14

Yanbu. You contribute to birthdays and such and that's enough. Of course families are different, of course some partners have kids from previous relationships. However, unless there is a serious reason to do so, it is up to the actual parents to provide for the children. I think it's crossing a line to have a step-parent provide a large financial contribution, unless of course all parties involved are happy with that arrangement.

MuttonCadet · 31/01/2015 17:14

Ha, how much do you think a divorced man has? I "shared" debts of £20k from him paying rent and the mortgage and bills on a house he hadn't lived in for 18 months.

Eustasiavye · 31/01/2015 17:16

Grumpy- that is the most sensible attitude I have come across on here.

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 31/01/2015 17:26

Seems like stepparents can't win, can they?

They must contribute towards their partner's children, and ferry them about, and disadvantage their own children, force their own children to miss activities and nice days out for the sake of the step children.

But heaven forbid they treat their DSC like part of the family, or hug them, or help them, or discipline them - you're not their parent, you know!

And this is an objective observation.

INickedAName · 31/01/2015 17:45

engika wouldn't the pension be cashed, nice house downsize and savings etc be used to pay his pre marriage debts and cover his CM payments if someone is struggling to meet agreed arrangements? I think if I had those type if things I'd be downsizing. Sorry if I read wrong.

Another thing is, a lot of RP depend on CM payments, what happens if something happens to the third parent? Like Death/Illness. What if they split temporarily or permanently? Should they still pay then? The RP is left with a shortfall with no notice. If step parents (mainly mums) are as bad as many seem to think on here then I don't think it's wise to out them in a position if control of a chunk of the RP finances. It's bad enough that many many women rely on abusive exes to pay CM when it's meant to paid without adding future wives etc.

bloodygorgeous · 31/01/2015 17:45

I think you are broadening the argument too much Moomin. Stepparents can and do win - all the time. In a good way - as in they are in a functional happy set up. I know loads of great stepparents and I'm sure many on this thread do too.

I personally don't think a stepparent has to love their step kids for example - not at all.

But they have to be fair and kind and most importantly accept from the off that their partner comes with the step kids and that that includes financial obligations.

I don't understand how you can be married, have a joint life in every way yet consider your partner's contribution as nothing go do with you?

A stepparent also has to understand that their partner's children come first like all children do. They are more important than them or their marriage. My own children are more important to me than my husband and he feels the same. We brought them into the world and we love them unconditionally. You don't love your spouse unconditionally do you?

engeika · 31/01/2015 17:46

Sorry I didn't just mean 2nd marriages and previous kids I mean generally

When couples get together they don't usually start from scratch, 0-0. (Although some may do). I didn't. I had a flat, he had a flat, we both had savings. We then had two DCs. I worked for some of the time, so did he. I supported us when he was made redundant. He is doing more of it now he has a bit more work. I had more savings. His flat was worth more.

We hit very hard times and lost much of it. the loss is shared too.

Yes in a case like DeliciousMonsters the house often gets left to child from previous relationship - that wasn't really what I meant. I am more talking about when a couple get together.

VivVivacious · 31/01/2015 17:55

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom Sat 31-Jan-15 17:26:47

Seems like stepparents can't win, can they?

They must contribute towards their partner's children, and ferry them about, and disadvantage their own children, force their own children to miss activities and nice days out for the sake of the step children.

But heaven forbid they treat their DSC like part of the family, or hug them, or help them, or discipline them - you're not their parent, you know!

And this is an objective observation.

With the greatest of respect Moomin, there is NOTHING in your post that sounds like an 'objective' observation. Far from it. It reads as a very subjective observation from someone who is speaking from their OWN experience - a very unhappy one by the sound of it and who has (is still?) been there and worn what sounds like a deeply uncomfortable the t-shirt. Sad

DeliciousMonster · 31/01/2015 17:58

I am more talking about when a couple get together.

We would only need a one bedroom house. With his daughter we have to have a two bedroom one. Which I pay half of. I paid 80% of his new car which he uses for work and to go pick up his daughter. What is your point exactly? Step parents pay for their spouses' kids by the very nature of the fact that they live in the same house if both are working, because the very house [and food and fuel bills etc etc] are more than if it was just the couple on their own.

BMW6 · 31/01/2015 17:59

Unfortunatley this is a case where a law cannot be fair to everyone always.

I think it is right that responsibility is solely with the NRP to pay maintenance, not a step-parent.

VivVivacious · 31/01/2015 18:01

OP The key issue you seem to face is that DH has unilaterally decided that his CM is to be deemed a joint expense. For some couples that might be right and for others wrong but that isn't the issue here - the issue is his deeming it as such without even the briefest of conversations about it.

I would be deeply concerned about that (as opposed o the CM per se); ditto the fact you seem wary of raising it to discuss as the latter infers much more about your relationship than 'simply' jointly splitting CM.

Would be good I think if you could maybe come back and elaborate a bit more on your concerns vis the convo; likewise your own feelings vis sharing his CM?

engeika · 31/01/2015 18:14

Sorry - my point was that I am not talking about 2nd marriages.

I am not talking about step parenting.

I was referring to a few previous posts further back, (one mentioning NFL games), in which PPs were talking about GENERALLY not wanting to take on debts and responsibilities from spouses' previous relationships.

I was trying to say that when you get together you come in to a relationship with whatever you have, whether debt or responsibility or good prospects or property. Some couples may specifically ringfence parts of it, (eg a house or gambling debts) but most take the rough with the smooth.

I probably expressed it badly but it was not a personal point not specific to step-parents.

PopularNamesInclude · 31/01/2015 18:18

So, if the stepparent is expected to pay CM: DH and I pay CM to his ExW. She then needs to pass on the whole amount plus a bit more (her current DH has 3 dc from previous marriage while she and my DH had 1) to her DH's ex. It would make sense in that case for me to simply pay my share of her CM straight to her DH's ex.

Or I could just let my DH pay for his own children, while I work and save for mine. DH's income is split- rightly so - between 3 dc. Mine is only for our 2, excepting food and heat and clothes and whatnot for sds as he is treated as part of the family here. that's fine. But I will not fund his CM out of my wages to the detriment of my DC. And i would not expect his exw would want to do it for her dsc either!

engeika · 31/01/2015 18:18

PS DeliciousMonster - I didn't mean to offend either - when I referred to your post I simply repeated the point that a house often gets left to one spouse's children. No comment on that. Sorry.

Threeplus1 · 31/01/2015 18:32

grumpy I totally agree.

I've never understood this idea of being married, sharing your lives but keeping his money and her money Confused

It never occurred to us to do it any other way than a joint account.... All money goes in, bills and commitments come out and then whatever is left we budget for things we want or need for either us or the kids.

Neither I not dh have children from any previous relationships, but of we did it'd be the same, with cm coming out as a commitment.

I also don't understand how OP can say she loves her dsc to bits but feels put out at paying towards cm.... So maybe you do love them, but only up to a point it seems

engeika · 31/01/2015 18:42

I have to be fair and say that in terms of DC from previous relationships and step parents i don't have any experience. I was trying to make a general point - but I think that maybe it is a bit too general to apply here.

Interesting discussion though. (And I assuming I will be contributing to care home fees for DP's DM by the way)

PopularNamesInclude · 31/01/2015 18:53

I love my sds. I also without doubt do not have the same financial responsibility for him as I do for my own 2. dss has 2 parents who contribute to him financially and so do mine. If I split my own money equally with dss then my 2 would be disadvantaged. And Dss would be seriously disadvantaged if his mum started paying his CM to his 3 step siblings. There is more than 1 right and fair way to run a marriage.

PeruvianFoodLover · 31/01/2015 18:58

A stepparent also has to understand that their partner's children come first like all children do. They are more important than them or their marriage.

They come first to the parent, but the stepparent, quite rightly, has different priorities.

And, while we would all hope that our children would be parogons of virtue, it is clear from posts on Mn that many blended families are fraught with problems.
I can understand how it might be difficult for a stepmum to willingly hand over a proportion of HER income to her DSC Mum, while at the same time having to pay to replace items belonging to her or her DC which have been stolen from the home by the SChild.

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 31/01/2015 19:02

Viv not at all - I'm not a step-parent, nor was I a step-child. It's from seeing desperately unhappy posts detailing unfair situations on the step-parenting boards, and talking to friends who've had those experiences, but from a personal point of view I've never been there myself.

bloodygorgeous · 31/01/2015 19:10

Yes I said quite clearly that the stepparent has to understand that stepchild is their partner's priority.

But if you are getting together with someone with children, you need to make that mental jump. And quick. Or don't get together with them.

And it's got nothing to do with whether children 'being paragons of virtue' - what's that even mean?

Kids are kids - generally selfish, messy, noisy and at the centre of their own universes!

The fact blended families are 'fraught with problems' is not childrens' fault.

Children don't ask for their parents to divorce or die.

But the point (problem?) is that they exist. They have to be supported financially (as well as emotionally) so all this 'HER income' stuff becomes irrelevant. What's the difference if 'he' pays for the kids, they are still jointly XX amount down per month? So it's a principle then? 'I'm not paying for YOUR kids?'.

BarbarianMum · 31/01/2015 19:17

Well as your female you should, of course , not be expected to pay for your dh's children. However, if it was your dh on here refusing to contribute towards yours, he would be decried as a total bastard.

needaholidaynow · 31/01/2015 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slithytove · 31/01/2015 20:34

I have no opinion either way but do have a question.

For those of you (stepmums) who pay your dhs maintenance because it's fair, or he is a sahd, or ill, or redundant - would you continue to pay for it if he left? Would you still class yourself as a stepmum? Assuming a loving significant relationship with the step children.

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