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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit miffed about paying maintenance??

342 replies

phoenixrose314 · 31/01/2015 07:34

My DH and I recently set up a joint bank account for the first time. We've been together for 8 years, married for 5 of them, and finally decided to sort out finances so we're equally paying the same amount, as at the moment we're making around the same amount of money.

He gave me the number he'd calculated that I need to transfer to the joint account each month to cover all our bills - I asked him to do it as he had a day off and he's a lot better at maths than I am. It seemed a bit steep so I asked to see the list of calculations - he handed them over and I was a bit surprised to see that he'd included his child maintenance payments for my DSS and DSD in amongst the rest of the outgoings for each month.

Now I love my stepchildren to bits, they spend a lot of time at ours and I do contribute by buying their gifts at birthdays and Christmases (DH is usually stumped for ideas!), and am always taking them for days out and buying them the odd thing when we're out and about... We have a great relationship and we've luckily never had any issues. THAT I am happy to do.

Am I being unreasonable to assume that I shouldn't contribute to DH's maintenance payments? I want to bring it up but have a slight feeling DH will overreact/be really moody with me for it.

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 31/01/2015 20:55

The maintenance that my DH pays for my DSD comes out of our joint account. It didn't used to, but to be honest, I'm not massively bothered about and we are fortunate that we have more than either of us want to spend over a month, that it's not been a problem in that respect.

I don't think YABU at all though. He should really have asked if you were ok with how you divvy it up. Because if you do keep your own money for spends, then yes, he is expecting you to pay half for his DD - which is not cricket unless it's been agreed beforehand.

Ihavenopigs · 31/01/2015 21:15

Those who say OPs DH shouldn't assume CM should be shared. OP says SHE asked him to work out the amount after they agreed to share ALL bills. He then showed her the details. Fully transparent. The poor guy did what he was told. If OP doesn't really want to share all costs then she should tell him not a bunch of bloody strangers on the Internet who don't have a fucking clue about either of them. He might well not care. He might well feel they were going to share all costs and decide if CM isn't being shared then maybe he doesn't want to cover half of some of the other bills. But there's a fair few on here who are trying to think of reasons why the DH is a bad un.

IHeartChristmasMoomies · 31/01/2015 21:19

Slithytove - interesting question. Not one I think I could answer.

Genuinely, I can't answer. If DH left me, I would have to have childcare in place and possibly change my hours, putting me in a worse financial situation. So potentially I wouldn't be able to afford it even if I wanted to.

Not a nice consideration to be making.

DamnBamboo · 31/01/2015 21:20

Very good point Ihaveno
OP, you need to talk to him.
He may genuinely not see it as being an issue, but be happy to take it into account!

MuttonCadet · 31/01/2015 21:28

Slithytove, no I wouldn't continue to pay if he left, but I'd have to sort something out if he died, the kids would have a claim on his estate.

JustWantToBeDorisAgain · 31/01/2015 21:33

Ultimately are you left with the same amount of disposable cash at the end of the month or are you paying in equally?

If it's the later then YANBU if the former then I would suck it up...

wheresthelight · 31/01/2015 21:45

Dp was advised by his solicitor to take out a life insurance policy to the vue of the maintenance up until dsd is 21 which he has done.

slithytove · 31/01/2015 22:39

Step parenting and blended families seems very tough.
Credit to all of you giving it go Thanks

herintheredskirt · 01/02/2015 00:33

Just say to him, "I don't think maintenance payments are a joint expense love", and then work out your contribution without half the maintenance.

GatoradeMeBitch · 01/02/2015 01:30

Making 'around' the same amount of money doesn't mean you're making equal money.

I would suggest that if he is earning more than you, that you close that gap. For instance if he's making £75 a week more than you, and the maintenance is £100 a week, perhaps you could contribute £25?

DeliciousMonster · 01/02/2015 09:13

I would suggest that if he is earning more than you, that you close that gap. For instance if he's making £75 a week more than you, and the maintenance is £100 a week, perhaps you could contribute £25?

How is that closing the gap? She will still be getting £25 less then him in your example. Closing the gap would be for her to pay £12.50 towards it.

The gap is not the issue. He decided to have kids and is now not with their mother for whatever reason. Thus he needs to pay his maintenance for them. Regardless of what his new partner earns. He needs to plan that into all his future life. Not expect a future partner to sub him for it.

Cobain · 01/02/2015 09:48

Myself and DP have both been the higher wage earner at times, I would not be in a long term relationship with someone who left me in a monthly disadvantage especially if he was doing the right thing to pay maintenance. I would hate at the end of the month relying on my partner financially, feeling grateful for them subsidising me in a relationship that is meant to be about love and sharing.

TweedAddict · 01/02/2015 09:59

Would you be pissed off if it something like a car loan which was started before you got together? I'm guessing not. I think most people don't dont like paying for step children as they hate the idea of their partner having a life before them.
You took everything on when you entered the relationship with him, that includes the children. A bill is a bill it doesn't matter what it is, it should be halfed

wheresthelight · 01/02/2015 10:02

tweed - your assumption is actually highly insulting.

I have no problem with dp having had a life before me and his kids are a big part of my life however they have 2 parents and those are the people who are responsible for paying their way

TinCanSally · 01/02/2015 10:40

Just read this thread. No need to add anything as Wheresthelight has said everything for me. Makes perfect sense.

wheresthelight · 01/02/2015 10:41

thank tincan have a Wine and enjoy the madness

needaholidaynow · 01/02/2015 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wheresthelight · 01/02/2015 11:01

Ah stepmum bingo Grin

I actually think the majority of posts saying we ought to be paying for kids that are financially not our responsibility are either clueless as to the whole step parent quandary or are rp's on the grab

needaholidaynow · 01/02/2015 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Grumpyoldblonde · 01/02/2015 11:58

For those of you (stepmums) who pay your dhs maintenance because it's fair, or he is a sahd, or ill, or redundant - would you continue to pay for it if he left? Would you still class yourself as a stepmum? Assuming a loving significant relationship with the step children

If OH was ill or made redundant then yes, (and have) it is just another monthly commitment and all money is shared regardless of who earned it. If he left me then no of course not, he would then have to pay me CM for our daughter as well as my stepdaughter. I would hope to continue to have a relationship with DSD but that could of course be difficult. I am curious as to what OP's thoughts on this would be if her husband lost his job,not just the cm but the whole financial set up, indeed what happens if she loses her job.
Anyway, Op has not been back as far as I can see, so maybe they have talked and worked something out.
I just cant imagine say, booking a holiday and not including my OH as he couldn't afford it as he had higher bills than me. I don't drive but all car related expenses come out of the joint account although I get no benefit from the car really. As I said before we are a family, for richer and poorer and all that

PeruvianFoodLover · 01/02/2015 14:42

If OH was ill or made redundant then yes, (and have) it is just another monthly commitment and all money is shared regardless of who earned it.

Is that at any expense, blonde? Would you get into (joint) debt, significantly reduce your own (and your DCs) quality of life, sell your own assets and belongings, and maybe even lose your home - in order to fulfil your OHs moral (not legal) obligation?

Is there a heirachy of families, with the second family expected to absorb the impact of the reduction in income of a parent, in order to ensure that the first family is not affected in any way?

Grumpyoldblonde · 01/02/2015 15:01

*Is that at any expense, blonde? Would you get into (joint) debt, significantly reduce your own (and your DCs) quality of life, sell your own assets and belongings, and maybe even lose your home - in order to fulfil your OHs moral (not legal) obligation?

Is there a heirachy of families, with the second family expected to absorb the impact of the reduction in income of a parent, in order to ensure that the first family is not affected in any way?*

No, of course not at any expense, if we had a significant drop in income then all our spending would have to be looked at, we pay the CSA rate and if our income dropped so would the CM amount. But, while we can manage on a reduced income for a time we will, regardless of who is working. If we had a really major drop in income then things like selling the house, selling assets would not really be about paying the CM, it would be about us having to survive, as a family. Also, we chose to have a child of our own knowing that we had obligations to DSD, who after all did not choose for her parents to split up. Neither of our kids go without and I believe we have worked hard to keep everything fair, they are sisters and devoted to each other. Our CM amount has varied over the years as has our income. As for debt, when it became clear that we were going to have a serious relationship - I paid his debts off so that we had a fresh start. He then later supported us all while I stayed home with our baby. Sometimes I have had the higher income, sometimes we have level-pegged and sometimes he has earned more, it is for the family.

PeruvianFoodLover · 01/02/2015 15:22

we pay the CSA rate and if our income dropped so would the CM amount

Ah, sorry, I misunderstood; I thought you meant that you had continued to pay CM on your OHs behalf at the rate he and his ex had previously agreed regardless of his income.
I don't think any stepmums are saying they'd resent/refuse that the household pay the "fixed rate" of £5 a week in the event that their DH was unemployed, even if they (the stepmum) were the sole earner,.

Grumpyoldblonde · 01/02/2015 15:32

No, we would continue to pay what we do now as long as we possibly could if DH was out of work, but not at the expense of not being able to pay the mortgage, eat and so on. So if only I were working and we could afford it I would be happy to keep paying the rate we do now, SDD is nearly adult now and of course we will continue to help her out throughout her life where we can (that time has flown by). Anyhow, I wonder where the OP has gone?

MythicalKings · 01/02/2015 15:45

She's probably licking her wounds after the savaging she got here, poor woman.