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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit miffed about paying maintenance??

342 replies

phoenixrose314 · 31/01/2015 07:34

My DH and I recently set up a joint bank account for the first time. We've been together for 8 years, married for 5 of them, and finally decided to sort out finances so we're equally paying the same amount, as at the moment we're making around the same amount of money.

He gave me the number he'd calculated that I need to transfer to the joint account each month to cover all our bills - I asked him to do it as he had a day off and he's a lot better at maths than I am. It seemed a bit steep so I asked to see the list of calculations - he handed them over and I was a bit surprised to see that he'd included his child maintenance payments for my DSS and DSD in amongst the rest of the outgoings for each month.

Now I love my stepchildren to bits, they spend a lot of time at ours and I do contribute by buying their gifts at birthdays and Christmases (DH is usually stumped for ideas!), and am always taking them for days out and buying them the odd thing when we're out and about... We have a great relationship and we've luckily never had any issues. THAT I am happy to do.

Am I being unreasonable to assume that I shouldn't contribute to DH's maintenance payments? I want to bring it up but have a slight feeling DH will overreact/be really moody with me for it.

OP posts:
Youaresuchaliar · 31/01/2015 14:20

It's funny how OPs proclaim to love stepchildren but where it matters not so much Hmm

TRexingInAsda · 31/01/2015 14:22

Also, as a general point, if you are not a NRP then I don't think ywbu to be miffed about paying maintenance, in general.

needaholidaynow · 31/01/2015 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wlrg14 · 31/01/2015 14:25

Thats for her mum and partner to decide between them, in their household. when DSS is here we pay for him and when he's there they pay with a child maintenance supplement to help them along... And then more on top if there is something big (like an Xbox) that he may want!

engeika · 31/01/2015 14:25

CrispyFern seemed to have it right:

I think if you marry someone with kids, they have to become your family. Otherwise you have to live with tons of petty rules that just ruin general life.

If you lived with his children, I think you should share money in one pot too.

And if your mother was ill? Or his father needed care? Or one of the SDC needed to live with you, would you charge rent?.

Bodicea · 31/01/2015 14:25

It's the petty way he did it that would bother me.
My view if you were putting all of your wages into one pot and money coming of it out of it paid maintenance then fine fair enough.
But if you are each paying only for specific outgoings into a joint account and keeping the rest back for yourselves for your own spends them no that's his cost not yours and I would point blank refuse.

Bodicea · 31/01/2015 14:27

Sorry cross posted with asda. But glad to see we agree.

bloodygorgeous · 31/01/2015 14:29

I can't believe this.

If you are in a marriage where you pool your money, of course paying maintenance is part of your family/joint costs.

If you have separate accounts and separate things you pay for, fair enough (I think that's odd personally but I know plenty of friends who do this successfully).

But if you don't have separate monies you can't suddenly say you are not paying for his kids.

Georgina1975 · 31/01/2015 14:30

I agree with Trexing - the financial set-up is fundamental.

We had joint billing too, but CM payments were met by DP alone. Actually, when they divorced, his ex-wife specifically requested that any future partners income was not taken into account in CM calculations (they had a private arrangement).

Youaresuch - it is actually quite offensive that you are suggesting I cared less for my 3 DSC because I didn't pay towards CM. I am pretty sure they - all grown-up now - would agree. I made a significant financial contribution in all sorts of ways. And I did lots of other stuff - like decorate their rooms at our house.

sliceofsoup · 31/01/2015 14:32

If the RPs partner refused to pay towards the step child they would be the worst in the world.

But when its the NRPs partner, its somehow acceptable.

needaholidaynow the amount you would be paying in maintenance would be significantly less than what it costs DSDs other step parent to keep her.

Also like I said, he isn't chucking money this way so mine can stay put. Why should I support this household, and that one whilst he only has to support one? There is no logic to that whatsoever.

Maintenance isn't for supporting households. It is towards bringing up the child. You take on a partner with children then you take on their children. No exceptions. If you don't want to take on their children then don't profess to love them.

needaholidaynow · 31/01/2015 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ihavenopigs · 31/01/2015 14:37

For those who say his children his expense.
Doubt anyone would say the same for resident children - especially if the man didn't want to pay for step kids.
You either share or you don't. If you want to pick and choose then you're not sharing. Maybe you like the heating on more than he does - why should he pay? Maybe he eats more than you do - are you ok covering that?

Lweji · 31/01/2015 14:37

If you don't want to take on their children then don't profess to love them.
And don't marry their father.

SlicedAndDiced · 31/01/2015 14:39

Maintenance isn't for supporting households. It is towards bringing up the child. You take on a partner with children then you take on their children. No exceptions. If you don't want to take on their children then don't profess to love them.

No, just no.

Is it that hard to understand that it is ONLY the child's parents who are responsible for bringing up the child?!

As a step parent your only obligation is to understand that the person you love has responsibilities to HIS/HER children.

And I must have missed the memo. So only a step parents financial contributions matter? they can not love their step children if they do not pay for them?

Funny, I was reading a thread on here the other day. A woman was concerned she didn't have enough money to spend on her children. Pretty much every poster replied saying that it was her spending time with, loving and being there for her children that mattered the most.

Just obviously not in the case of step children ay? It's all about the dollar.

bloodygorgeous · 31/01/2015 14:39

Well anyone in 'the magical world MN' is pretty clear on your views of step parenting Needaholidaynow - you can't really avoid your rabid opinions!

And maybe people aren't honest with you in real life?

Lweji · 31/01/2015 14:46

needaholidaynow
If your DSC are half with you and half at their mum's the maintenance to be paid is tiny.

It's an entirely different set up from every other weekend, where the other parent is almost fully supporting the children.

MuttonCadet · 31/01/2015 14:47

The only thing this thread proves is if you are a stepmum never ever post in AIBU.

Quite frankly anywhere on mumsnet (including stepparents) is a bit dodgy.

You are supposed to love and care (and apparently pay) for your stepchdren without having any influence or impact on them.

This attitude makes me want to vomit. Angry

needaholidaynow · 31/01/2015 14:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeruvianFoodLover · 31/01/2015 15:00

I don't care what the law says, if you marry someone with children then those children become your family. If you don't agree with this then you have no business marrying someone with children.

Does that mean that morally, if not legally, a stepmum has parental repsonsilbity - an equal responsibility towards, and an equal say in, the raising of her stepchildren as the child's parents?

I'm not sure I'd be happy, for instance, if my DDs stepmum had the same "rights" to have a say, for instance, if DD needed medical care, or in relation to her schooling (particularly relevant to me right now).

Should a stepmum be expected to give medical consent? Act as an appropriate adult?

There are some fundamental legal differences if you are married to the parent of a child as apposed to sharing a home - but they are limited to the welfare of the child in the event of a split or when the parents can't agree.

I've often thought about whether marriage should infer parental responsibity onto a stepparent. If I've understood right, it is that which is morally, if not legally, expected of the OP by some posters here.

Moniker1 · 31/01/2015 15:01

What happens when a couple marry, don't have kids, both earning, is everything pooled? I suspect usually you pool to cover bills then keep the rest for yourself.

If the above is the case then the OP gets to not pay towards DSCs.

Lweji · 31/01/2015 15:02

It's not so much responsibility over the child. More of finances in relation to your spouse.
"Personal expenditure" should be going out, clothes, drinks at the pub, hobbies.
Children, IMO, should be essential (and joint) expenses, living in or away from home.

SlicedAndDiced · 31/01/2015 15:12

Yes children are joint and essential expenses.

Between the two parents who had them.

PeruvianFoodLover · 31/01/2015 15:13

lewji what about student loan? Presumably the couple are both benefiting from the education, so should share the repayments?

Gambling debt from prior to the marriage? Repayment of loan that paid for legal fees to defend a criminal prosecution? Debt incurred through poor investment?

I'm being facticious, but trying to make the point - where, if anywhere, do you draw the line? Is financial responsibility for your spouses prior debts an inevitable consequence of marriage?
If so, how can full disclosure prior to marriage be assured?

Lweji · 31/01/2015 15:16

But when you take on a husband, or a wife, you take them with their baggage. Illness, richness, poorness and children.

Lweji · 31/01/2015 15:16

You may not be personally responsible towards paying for children, or debt, but it still comes out of the joint finances.