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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit miffed about paying maintenance??

342 replies

phoenixrose314 · 31/01/2015 07:34

My DH and I recently set up a joint bank account for the first time. We've been together for 8 years, married for 5 of them, and finally decided to sort out finances so we're equally paying the same amount, as at the moment we're making around the same amount of money.

He gave me the number he'd calculated that I need to transfer to the joint account each month to cover all our bills - I asked him to do it as he had a day off and he's a lot better at maths than I am. It seemed a bit steep so I asked to see the list of calculations - he handed them over and I was a bit surprised to see that he'd included his child maintenance payments for my DSS and DSD in amongst the rest of the outgoings for each month.

Now I love my stepchildren to bits, they spend a lot of time at ours and I do contribute by buying their gifts at birthdays and Christmases (DH is usually stumped for ideas!), and am always taking them for days out and buying them the odd thing when we're out and about... We have a great relationship and we've luckily never had any issues. THAT I am happy to do.

Am I being unreasonable to assume that I shouldn't contribute to DH's maintenance payments? I want to bring it up but have a slight feeling DH will overreact/be really moody with me for it.

OP posts:
ClockwiseCat · 31/01/2015 15:20

I would not contribute directly to my DH's maintenance payments if he was earning the same as me. I would obviously contribute to food, activities etc when they were under our roof and presents, treats etc. YANBU.

Lweji · 31/01/2015 15:24

I would not contribute directly to my DH's maintenance payments if he was earning the same as me. I would obviously contribute to food, activities etc when they were under our roof and presents, treats etc.
How is that different?

PeruvianFoodLover · 31/01/2015 15:25

You may not be personally responsible towards paying for children, or debt, but it still comes out of the joint finances.

lwelji surely that's a personal decision for the couple, though? Just as the decision as to whether one or both adults in the home earn an income, who buys the groceries and who pays for the car tax?

There's no moral obligation for a husband to contribute towards the luxury spa holiday his DW chose to take before he met her and that she is still paying back - or is there?

Lweji · 31/01/2015 15:29

The thing is that it all comes from the same income and at some point is it fair if the disposable income is widely different?

needaholidaynow · 31/01/2015 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MuttonCadet · 31/01/2015 15:32

Exactly that needaholiday, it's so you know your place as a stepmum.

needaholidaynow · 31/01/2015 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pengyquin · 31/01/2015 15:34

MN never fails to make me go Shock

For goodness sake, you're married.

A much much fairer way of working all this out would be:

Work out your monthly bills (including this maintenance)

Divide this pro rata between the two of you, and you each put in your amount for bills into a 'bill' account. (if you both earn roughly the same, then just half it, but obviously if one of you earns substantially more than the other, fairer to do it proportionately)

Whack in another £100 of whatever you can afford. This can then build up and be used for xmas pressies etc etc.

The rest of your money is yours to do what the hell you like with!

Seriously, why is this so hard??!

PeruvianFoodLover · 31/01/2015 15:37

I Don't see why not?

If my spouse has made choices in the past that leave him with a financial responsibility, then I may choose to support him, but I don't have a moral obligation to do so.

If both my DH and I enjoy NFL, and he had debts because he'd been to several SuperBowls before we met, whereas I had never been before because I wasn't prepared to get into debt, then I'd feel mightily unhappy if I couldn't afford to go this year with a friend because I was helping him pay off the debt for his previous trips.

I'm uncomfortable with the idea that when you marry someone, you effectively absolve them of some of consequences of their previous decisions.

MuttonCadet · 31/01/2015 15:38

Good for money, childcare, running around and feeding. They are your partners kids and you should support them.

Bad for teaching, nurturing, supporting, helping, disciplining. They are not your kids and none of your business.

sliceofsoup · 31/01/2015 15:39

Is it that hard to understand that it is ONLY the child's parents who are responsible for bringing up the child?!

So what about the RPs partner. Should they itemise everything they spend on their step kids and send their partner an invoice at the end of the month?

PeruvianFoodLover · 31/01/2015 15:41

soup the RP partner is choosing to pay - he doesn't have to.

And in many case, finances are kept separate in second families for exactly this reason!

Grumpyoldblonde · 31/01/2015 15:42

I am in the same position as the OP, when me and dh first started dating he was paying a huge amount of cm which meant he had less cash than me so I would pick up the bill on nights out and so on. Later we lived together and went on to have our child, over the years I have earned more sometimes, he has earned on other occasions and sometimes I have not worked but pulled in large lump sums from selling property. Anyway, once we became a family we became a household team and whatever money we have is pooled into the family pot and I just always accepted the cm as one of our bills, I have never given it a thought because all money is our money and we have equal access to it once the bills have been paid, I would find it strange that I would have an extra 300 per month than him due to him paying cm separately. I love his first daughter and she is part of my family.

MythicalKings · 31/01/2015 15:49

It's the OP's DH's assumption that she should pay half of the maintenance of his DCs that is very unfair here. No discussion, just handing her a list of expenses and including the maintenance for his children. There should have a discussion about it at the very least.

They do not pool all their money - the joint account is meant to be for mutual expenses. By no stretch of the imagination is the maintenance of DCs from a first marriage a mutual expense. It just isn't. They are the responsibility of her DH and his Ex.

Totally different if they both pool all their money, but that isn't the case.

MythicalKings · 31/01/2015 15:50

There should have been

NancyJones · 31/01/2015 16:10

I think if you marry someone with children then part of what you are taking on is the financial and emotional responsibilities that come with that.
You may not legally be responsible but I think morally, yes. I think if you disagree with this then marrying someone who is already a parent is a bad idea.

NancyJones · 31/01/2015 16:12

Yes, Grumpy, your attitude is exactly what I meant. Exactly how it should be.

MuttonCadet · 31/01/2015 16:13

Try telling some ex-wives that a stepmum has any emotional responsibility to their DH children.

I can't count the number of times I've been told to mind my own business. Funnily enough when DH lost his job the maintenance was suddenly my business.

Patatas · 31/01/2015 16:17

It all comes out of one pot here, as do presents, days out etc. It seems the fairest thing to do.

Georgethesecond · 31/01/2015 16:25

But where is the OP? It's almost as though they tossed a grenade then ran away.....

INickedAName · 31/01/2015 16:30

It's fine for some partners and spouses to pay towards their sdc cm. I'll assume in those cases that's what works and there has been a discussion and planning.

It's also fine for some partners and spouses not to contribute towards their sdc m I'll also assume in those cases it works for them too, and perhaps have had a discussion about it.

It's not fine to suddenly decide your partner should be paying half of their dcs maintainance on your behalf, several years after doing it yourself without even discussing it. It's massively unfair to change the arrangements like that without speaking to the person first. I have a feeling OP will just go along with it to not cause a fuss and that's treading on a tricky path. OP if you do agree please at least have a discussion first and let him know that when he makes decisions like that on your behalf he should speak to you first. You shouldn't be wary of raising it with him unless there is other things that make you feel that way.

That's without taking into account the CM calculations are based on the parents of the children's earnings only. If a step oarents earrings were relevant they would be required in the calculation process.

I don't understand the logic of comparing resident step parents contributing financially either as that's exactly what many step mums do when the dcs are with them, do resident step parents send money to contribute to the nrp?

If dh and I ever split all I'd want from any future partner of either of us is respect and kindness towards our dd. I don't expect anyone to love her like their own, but if that happens then it's a bonus, all I'd want is for her to be nice and fair to her. Should a future wife be willing to pay cm then that's down to her and dds dad but no way on earth should someone who didn't create by dd be financially responsible and made to feel like a twat for not wanting to do so. I'm weird like that as I'd also be happy to allow a sm to take decisions on important things when dd is in their care.

If future spouses are expected have their earnings contribute to pay CM then they should also have valid input on the child's upbringing, what school to attend, bedtimes, diet, discipline etc, in fact they should be given lawful PR if in fact as many if you seem to think here that they are just as responsible for children and the biological parents that made them. People can't pick the aspects of a third or fourth parent (which is what they are if they are to be held as responsible) to suit them and then say it's fuck all to do with them when it comes to others.

engeika · 31/01/2015 16:33

Those who are saying they wouldn't take on spouse's pre- relationship debts would I am sure be happy to accept half the worth of the spouse, (house in nice area, car, savings, pension), that was acquired before.

If you believe in marriage and pooling resources then surely you also pool debts.

Do we start working out who eats more or uses more electiricty!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 31/01/2015 16:36

Those of you who think the op is bu.

If the op has an obligation to pay it because they are an item should the mother of the children not be getting double the money given that the NRP's household has 2 people who should be contributing.

If not why not?

PeruvianFoodLover · 31/01/2015 16:53

Those who are saying they wouldn't take on spouse's pre- relationship debts would I am sure be happy to accept half the worth of the spouse, (house in nice area, car, savings, pension), that was acquired before.

Assets accrued prior to the marriage are not legally the shared property of the spouse - are you suggesting that morally they are, and legally they should be?

bloodygorgeous · 31/01/2015 17:00

needaholiday

They probably don't want to 'get their opinions of their chest' because you sound suspiciously like one of the real life difficult people you are referring to.

I know someone like you in real life and I can't always be bothered to engage, so I nod, smile and freeze inside.