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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be surprised that my Wife has asked two guys out on a "Girls Night"?

112 replies

rachelmonday1 · 30/01/2015 16:06

Apologies, but this one is a bit out of the ordinary. I'm a crossdresser and my wife has known this from within weeks of us meeting, many years ago. She is very supportive and we often go shopping and have days out, with myself as "Rachel".

We bought tickets for a night out in London and booked train tickets and a hotel, but within a week of doing so, my wife mentioned it to a male friend of ours (who knows about Rachel) and he asked if he could come. My wife said yes and since then he is bringing a friend of his. We both know both of the guys from a our normal "husband and wife" circle of friends, but having them join us for our London night out is not what I would choose.

As I mentioned, it's not your average post, but you Ladies have been very helpful in the past and your views are always welcome.

OP posts:
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 30/01/2015 16:07

Do you feel uncomfortable being Rachel around other people?

Original poster
rachelmonday1 · 30/01/2015 16:11

Oh yes. Absolutely no problems on that front. It's just that our friends both know about "Rachel" but have never "met" her and I'm just a bit worried about how we will all feel. My wife says I'm just being silly, hence this post.

OP posts:
Idontseeanysontarans · 30/01/2015 16:17

Is the fact that the first time they meet Rachel is going to be on a big night out where you're all kind of 'stuck' together the issue or is it that you'd rather not be her (sorry, not sure of the terminology) in front of certain people? Or are you worried about their reaction to Rachel's appearance?

Idontseeanysontarans · 30/01/2015 16:18

Should clarify that last bit - they know of Rachel but have never seen her - is that a worry?

Original poster
rachelmonday1 · 30/01/2015 16:21

I think that's my issue Idontseeanysontarans. I have no problem at all going out in public, to bars, theatres, restauarants or anywhere. It's just that my wife and are going a party night with a band and disco.....and I think I'm going to feel a little awkward meeting the guys for the first time as Rachel in such a setting. I'm sure they'll be fine and maybe it's just me :)

OP posts:
GetSober · 30/01/2015 16:24

From what you've said, your wife is out of order. She invites other people along to a couple-getaway without even asking you? She dismisses and minimises your concerns as "just being silly?".

That's not on. The kindest interpretation I can come up with is that she thinks other people will be perfectly happy to spend time with Rachel, and she wants to encourage you to let Rachel spend a bit more time with other people. She could be trying to show you that this situation is more ok than you think IYSWIM.

It sounds as if you may need to have an honest conversation with your wife and try and get to the bottom of her motives.

SageYourResoluteOracle · 30/01/2015 16:24

Okay, if it's the feeling that you fancied a girls night out then I can see why you'd be maybe a bit out out. However, if you're worried about peoples' reactions and therefore feeling accepted as. Rachael then I actually think this is a sign that your friends are good friend and want to accept you as Rachael and as yourself. I hope I've phrased that correctly. Anyway, I think this could be an opportunity...a positive thing.

SageYourResoluteOracle · 30/01/2015 16:25

Sorry, wrong spelling, I mean Rachel

Idontseeanysontarans · 30/01/2015 16:25

If they had an issue with Rachel then it would have probably come up by now and they wouldn't have agreed to meet you knowing that you were going as her. Talk to them beforehand and make sure they've seen some pics, it'll be fine!!

GetSober · 30/01/2015 16:26

Sorry, when I say "other people" I mean "other people you know", your existing friends etc - not just random people you meet when out and about as Rachel.

Idontseeanysontarans · 30/01/2015 16:29

Have to say I would be hugely naffed off if DH invited other people to our big night out, I think you're being very nice about that!

Original poster
rachelmonday1 · 30/01/2015 16:29

I think that's my point GetSober. My wife is the loveliest person that I know. Her intentions are always 100% well-intended, but sometimes not quite what I would want. She has no worries at all about the guys reaction to meeting Rachel and, to be honest, they are good fun. I think it's more about how I will feel meeting them. I was so looking forward to few drinks and a bit of dancing, but am not sure it will be the same now with two guys being with us.

OP posts:
GetSober · 30/01/2015 16:33

Op yes, I can understand that. You had planned this with your wife as a particular kind of night out for you both, and now she's randomly altered it to something else that you don't much like the idea of, without so much as a by-your-leave!

I'd say you're well within your rights to be a bit annoyed, and to make your feelings known to her without having them dismissed as "silly". If she really is as lovely and understanding as you say (and I'm sure she is), she'll get it.

Original poster
rachelmonday1 · 30/01/2015 16:33

Lot's of really nice stuff here, and thank you all. One of the guys has seen pictures of Rachel and I have to say that he was shocked....but very impressed :) The points about this possibly being a positive thing for the future is very well made, but I suppose my only "gripe" is not having been given the choice in whether the guys join us or not. Maybe I'll just have to have an extra vodka to calm my nerves beforehand :)

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 30/01/2015 16:35

Tell her, then. Tell her you don't want them there.

This is very odd, though, because it's like two couples going out together. What do their wives think - would they want to be invited?

Original poster
rachelmonday1 · 30/01/2015 16:36

www.mumsnet.com/Profile?nick=rachelmonday1

OP posts:
Original poster
rachelmonday1 · 30/01/2015 16:43

That's again why I'm a little nervous ImperialBlether. I really don't want to be seen in that way. Both guys have been married, but are now divorced. They are good friends (not gay) and socialise a lot together. We hang out quite a lot as friends anyway, but this new event is making me a little nervous

OP posts:
iwanttogotothechaletschool · 30/01/2015 16:49

Is it possible for them to meet with you as Rachel before the night out, would that help?

ImperialBlether · 30/01/2015 16:52

For you, is the whole point of being Rachel that you can go out and nobody knows you're a guy? So going out with these guys ruins everything because you can't get into the zone of your being a woman because there are people there who know you otherwise?

Original poster
rachelmonday1 · 30/01/2015 16:59

That's a really good idea iwanttogotothechaletschool! I expect I'll see one of the guys next weekend as he often comes down to Poole for the weekends as he keeps a boat here. I guess I can have a word with him and tell him I'm a bit nervous. As they say, it's good to talk and this has certainly helped me a lot. As SageYourResoluteOracle posted earlier, this whole thing could end up being quite positive. I just suppose I wish I had been consulted before being told our weekend was being "garecrashed" (in my view).

OP posts:
Original poster
rachelmonday1 · 30/01/2015 17:03

Exactly that ImperialBlether. My wife knows and understands that for whatever reason, my whole personna becomes far more feminine when I'm out as Rachel. Therefore, the guys seeing a picture of me in a dress (like the one on my profile) is one thing, but the guy they have known for years does not act in the same way when dressed as Rachel. It could be a bit awkward I think.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 30/01/2015 17:03

Rachel looks fabulous!

It's 2015- maybe it's really not a problem in the slightest for the two blokes.

My other thought was that perhaps your wife considers going out with Rachel as two friends out together and thought the more than merrier. Rather than the two blokes gate crashing a date night between her and Richard if that makes sense?

Georgethesecond · 30/01/2015 17:03

But you do have a choice don't you - you can go as male you?
Is it fair to restrict your wife's choices to invite others by imposing your choice to go as Rachel?

Original poster
rachelmonday1 · 30/01/2015 17:09

LOL!! Thankyou SaucyJack. It's exactly that. My wife does think "the more the merrier" as she's comfortable with Rachel and believes the guys will be too. My point is; how am i going to feel, given that I'll be nothing like the person that the guys know? It could spoil what should have been a fab night.

Georgethesecond: yes, I could go as the "male me", but that would totally defeat the point of going in the first place. It was arranged by us both as a "girls night".

OP posts:
Nomama · 30/01/2015 17:16

Might part of the problem be that you would be going as 2 men and 2 women... looking like 2 couples?

You are clear you are not gay, I just wondered if there is a niggle at the back of your brain that is uncomfortable with the external viewpoint.