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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be surprised that my Wife has asked two guys out on a "Girls Night"?

112 replies

rachelmonday1 · 30/01/2015 16:06

Apologies, but this one is a bit out of the ordinary. I'm a crossdresser and my wife has known this from within weeks of us meeting, many years ago. She is very supportive and we often go shopping and have days out, with myself as "Rachel".

We bought tickets for a night out in London and booked train tickets and a hotel, but within a week of doing so, my wife mentioned it to a male friend of ours (who knows about Rachel) and he asked if he could come. My wife said yes and since then he is bringing a friend of his. We both know both of the guys from a our normal "husband and wife" circle of friends, but having them join us for our London night out is not what I would choose.

As I mentioned, it's not your average post, but you Ladies have been very helpful in the past and your views are always welcome.

OP posts:
GetSober · 30/01/2015 20:00

Rachel I'm going to go out on a limb here, and forgive me if I'm entirely wrong, but one or comments you've made suggest that you think you "owe" your wife for "putting up with" the fact that you enjoy crossdressing. I can kind of see that, but your situation is very different from that of mumpossible (to whom I offer Thanks - it sounds very difficult for you, what a shock!). Your wife knew about Rachel within a few weeks of you two first meeting. She took you on as you are - you and Rachel both. You don't owe her. She chose to be with you, just the way you are. You particularly don't need to defer to her and allow her wishes to trump yours in the relationship, because you like to live a slightly unusual lifestyle.

As I say - sorry if I'm totally wrong, but does it sound right at all?

Original poster
rachelmonday1 · 30/01/2015 20:06

Hi Nerf, absolutely no problem! I only post on here when I'm genuinely looking for third-party and open views on issues that arise in my life. I know I'm different and that being a crossdresser is not something that can be "cured", not is it everyones cup of tea. Hence different views from different people can help me a lot.

If I'm gracious, it's only because I'm very grateful for peoples opinions (good and bad) and I thank you for the compliment :)

OP posts:
mumpossible · 30/01/2015 20:14

Get sober such a good point. I was actually gouging to make the same point. The sense of gratitude my husband feels makes me uncomfortable. .I didn't choose this. But I chose to stay and make things work. Not because I had to. Because I want to. It makes me sad when my husband says similar things about being grateful. I want him to be with me because he loves me not because he's grateful!

Original poster
rachelmonday1 · 30/01/2015 20:14

You're very right actually Getsober! When I was younger, being a crossdresser was 100% taboo and we were considered to be perverts and the like. My family would make fun of me, not just at home but at any time, even though none of them had EVER seen me wear a skirt or dress. It was pretty tough.

So knowing how (I thought) people viewed crossdressers and having tried all sorts of things (including therapy and counselling) to try and stop it, when I met my wife...I had to tell her. Therefore, yes, I'm so grateful and appreciative of her acceptance that I do feel I owe her so much. So many crossdressers live in fear of discovery and rejection, divorce etc. I face none of that now (based on honesty from Day 1 it's true) but I still very, very grateful.

OP posts:
mumpossible · 30/01/2015 20:15

Going to gouging. Must proof read before posting!

mumpossible · 30/01/2015 20:16

Rachel do your family know? How lovely!

Original poster
rachelmonday1 · 30/01/2015 20:18

And *mumpossible" I do love my wife for being an amazing partner and a true soul mate. We have a very strong relationship, but I do still tend to do some things more to please her rather than because I really want too. My view is that this is / was what does / did for me.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 30/01/2015 20:18

No matter what the circumstances, your wife should have checked with you before inviting other people on your night out. Say you are not happy about it and can the arrangements be changed. If she won't then either don't go or just go as your male persona.

Original poster
rachelmonday1 · 30/01/2015 20:19

They know mumpossible, but have never seen Rachel and just love to make fun of me

OP posts:
mumpossible · 30/01/2015 20:21

I can understand that. I think my husband feels the same. Sheesh it's a minefield!

Original poster
rachelmonday1 · 30/01/2015 20:21

That's my point Viviennemary, but I wondered whether I was being unreasonable. Some posters do see it as a possible big positive step for the future and then there's the view that maybe my wife wants to decrease the secrecy of it all.

So glad I posted this!!

OP posts:
Original poster
rachelmonday1 · 30/01/2015 20:24

Certainly is mumpossible, but times are definitely changing for the better for us. One of the reasons I love going out is talking to so many people about it and dispelling myths. Most people under 35 or so don't seem to have any problem with it all these days.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 30/01/2015 20:25

I must say I hadn't thought about the point that your wife might just want everyone to know about this rather than only certainl people. Maybe she finds it's stressful that only certain of your friends know and others don't. Perhaps you should talk this over with her. But try not to turn it into a huge row.

Original poster
rachelmonday1 · 30/01/2015 20:29

Absolutely Viviennemar. She's due home around 9:30, so there's a bottle of wine in the fridge and a light conversation in the offing :)

Mumsnet to the rescue again!!!

OP posts:
DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 30/01/2015 20:33

In my mind, she has changed the dynamics of your weekend, and this points to her being not 100% content with what you had previously planned. It could be a small thing, like she would like some more variation on nights out, and honesty and inclusion with your other friends. Or, it could be more significant, and she's not been able to express that she's unhappy with your weekends together as Rachel. You won't know unless you ask her. And, you should ask her as it is rude to have changed the dynamics of the weekend so, she owes you at least an explanation, if not an apology too. Though, you don't have to cause a row over it, just find out the truth, so you know where you stand.

GetSober · 30/01/2015 20:36

Good luck. Hope the conversation goes well. Don't feel you have to come back and update afterwards, but we'd love it if you did Smile

Original poster
rachelmonday1 · 30/01/2015 20:38

That's the point that I had never had cause to consider before DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease; that maybe she's tired of the secrecy aspect. We're both open people and I'll bring the subject up this evening. I'm sure we'll sort it out amicably :)

OP posts:
DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 30/01/2015 20:39

Good luck

Original poster
rachelmonday1 · 30/01/2015 20:41

Ready and waiting for her Getsober. Thankyou for your help and I'll let you know how it goes.

AIBU to be surprised that my Wife has asked two guys out on a "Girls Night"?
OP posts:
mumpossible · 30/01/2015 20:55

Good luck. And you look fabulous x

Original poster
rachelmonday1 · 30/01/2015 21:10

Thankyou!!!! :)

OP posts:
Nerf · 30/01/2015 21:14

Hi Rachel, good luck with the chat and hope you both get a good night as planned Smile

Original poster
rachelmonday1 · 30/01/2015 21:21

Thankyou Nerf. I'm sat here with a glass of wine and waiting for her now :)

OP posts:
VivVivacious · 30/01/2015 21:31

Fuck me, you are GORGEOUS Rachel!!!

I kinda love your wife for her initial response to you and your honesty, as one of my DC is in the LGBT community and some of the (truly horrific) reactions their mates have experienced - IE kids kicked out for being gayAngry and trans rejected by partners make my blood just BOILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL AngryAngryAngry

BUT.... I DO think she's bang out of order for shifting plans the two of you had without consulting you (& I'd think that regardless of any kind of gender/s involved in the relationship!!!) So IMHO, then THAT's the convo you need to have with herSmile

Wholly separately (but sort of related as need to get this of my chest and she is frankly my hero right now for standing up for the rights of all), I have a mahoosive crush on Michelle Visage right now Grin

PS did I mention just how hot you look???!! Wink
PPS Are you by any chance going to the Rivoli?

thenumberseven · 30/01/2015 21:37

Rachel looks terrific!!! Over 50? Wow, I'm impressed.
Hope your evening goes well with friends