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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up with my DPs greedy Ex?

339 replies

badhareday · 29/01/2015 08:16

Am so bloody fed up with her, and the (unnecessary) stress she's putting on DP.

Basically DPs job has changed fairly recently, his hours have been cut and he's not earning anywhere near what he was when they agreed maintenance. So he's done the calculations through the csa (know it's not called that now but can't remember the new name, sorry) and told her what he'll now be able to pay.

She's had a complete hissy fit over it and said if he pays any less that what they agreed she'll take him to court, plus trying to lay a guilt trip on him about how the DC wont have as many nice things cos she wont be able to afford them, etc. And got a solicitor to write to him and threaten court too!

Its idiotic. I really don't get her attitude, where does she expect him to get the extra money from? He's still paying several hundred a month which is more than most. And yet she's not happy.

Am I missing something or is she every bit as unreasonable as she seems to be?

OP posts:
ArsenicFaceCream · 30/01/2015 04:04

Jeff are you playing solo Biscuit bingo? Hmm

VivVivacious · 30/01/2015 04:08

Oh, where to start?

In initial OP 'He's still paying several hundred a month which is more than most. And yet she's not happy. I've never me anyone who would describe less than £400 as 'several hundred' - why would you be so disingenous from the get go OP?

'We don't live together, we don't have any DC together' - so WTF has any of this got to do with you? Confused As for the constant use of the (previously never seen by me on MN) of 'MY' DP in the 'possessive context... not DP does/says/pays XYZ, but 'my DP' XYZ, it sounds like a 15 year old with a lovebite proudly proclaiming it as evidence of 'MY new BF.'

Which is what this bloke is TBH - your new (12 month FFS is nada) boyfriend with whom you share nothing of import as of yet. So why so overly vested in this or so bitchy sounding?

You own XH sounds like a dick, but that's no reason to want or expect current BF to drag his own standards of care for HIS DC down surely?

It never ceases to amaze me how thick some people - sadly usually female - can be when it comes to absorbing a pile of shite (or compiling their own pile of shite) vis 'the Ex'.... best remember that this was someone he loved enough to ask to marry; to have children with; spent years with before something went tits up. IE she was in an 'elevated' position to the one you are in right now with the same delish sounding him? Sole point being that you might want to have your eyes wide open, as it's usually wise to listen to people when they tell you who they are or show you who they are. And someone who thinks £350 is sufficient as their 50% parental contribution to their DC is so not someone I'd touch with a bargepole.

Seriously, get over yourself, get your nose out of their business, and focus your ire on your (legit) twat sounding critter of an Ex. HTH ;)

MrsBigginsPieShop · 30/01/2015 07:21

As an aside, what right have you OP to even talk about the financial set up of two other people on an Internet forum? You are a girlfriend, nothing more at this time, and just sound jealous and bitter. If you can't handle being in a relationship with someone with a history then don't be, but don't drag another woman through the mud online because you're insecure. You have no idea of their real history or her real situation now.

Chunderella · 30/01/2015 08:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tinkerball · 30/01/2015 08:36

I think people are becoming a bit nasty now, especially about OP calling him her partner, there is nothing wrong with this and to insist she is only his girlfriend is mean and petty.

Tyzer85 · 30/01/2015 08:51

I agree Tinkerball there's a few mean and petty people posting on this topic, I'm not being funny but my missus knew how much I earnt within the first year of getting together etc. I think some people here are being deliberately obtuse.

fromparistoberlin73 · 30/01/2015 09:03

£350 is fuck all I think

Mortgage (mine is £900) this is variable depending where you live and rent
Council tax £100
Elec gas and water at least £100
Various insurances £50
Then phone bill , internet and shopping . For a frugal shop for three people that's at least £100 a week if you include petrol and school dinners.

So for a no frills life before childcare costs and tax credits could cost a woman in a city around £1500 plus

And of course this does not allow for any treats or fun

Csa paltry amounts baffle me

I have never ever met a step parent that thinks what their partner pays is fair , never ! Even my reasonable friends become ... Unreasonable !

Original poster
badhareday · 30/01/2015 09:04

I've no idea as to tax credit payments, I've always earned in excess of the threshold so have no idea of the rates. And I've always worked ft, most of my DCs life I've been a single parent so the suggestion I have no idea about ft work and childcare (mine was paid as no family able to help out) is rather ridiculous.

I've no concerns he's after my money! My home is my own. When we move in together it will be to a new property, bought jointly Smile I will keep my house and rent it out.

Honestly some of you need to get a grip and stop being quite so bitchy.

OP posts:
fromparistoberlin73 · 30/01/2015 09:09

And agree people making nasty personal comments to the OP . Step partner = parallel to Assad ! Grin

When will people realise that making bitchy personal comments to a complete means you are Notuch better than who you slate !!!!

Nicknacky · 30/01/2015 09:23

I've just had a look at tax credit table and she probably isn't entitled to anything so where does her £600 a month come from?

NickiFury · 30/01/2015 09:28

It comes from the imagination of a bitter ex husband I should think.

KissyBoo · 30/01/2015 09:32

Op you are actually the bitchiest person on here.

I'm bailing on this one now as it is based on absolute guff and I think there is an agenda at play here.

NickiFury · 30/01/2015 09:41

The only way the ex is entitled to that level of TC is if there is DLA at medium or higher rate involved. However the OP doesn't seem to want to answer THAT question despite being free with all other of the exes information.

Original poster
badhareday · 30/01/2015 09:41

The figures come from her own correspondence. Nothing has been made up by DP. He's no need or reason to lie to me. I've never received tax credits and nor has DP so we had no reason to doubt the veracity of the info she has provided.

As for me being bitchy, haha! The worst crime I seem to have committed is to have worked ft in a very good job for which I don't receive any benefits,and been financially independent of my X. Which is clearly a mistake because apparently I should have been making him pay money he doesn't have and my DC and I don't need! And apparently even though my DP and I share everything and discuss all matters openly, and he values my advice, I'm not allowed to have an opinion about his Exs behaviour even though it is making him unhappy and stressed.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 30/01/2015 09:47

If you don't want your ex to pay towards his children then that's fine, but doesn't make her wrong for wanting her ex to do so!

I'm on a similar monthly income to her, albeit married but even without that I'm entitled to nothing. So clearly she is on a lot less than you think and therefore a drop could be catastrophic for her.

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 30/01/2015 09:49

OP, I think people doubt what you are saying due to the implausible figures you've quoted. If they're wrong, what else is wrong?

As pp have said, the only way those figures could be correct is if the ex receives DLA (medium or higher rates). In which case, rattling off about benefits, free childcare & "she doesn't need the money" leaves a very bad taste.

YackityUnderTheMistletoe · 30/01/2015 10:04

Out of curiosity, how many of posters who say the NRP should be paying far more than the CSA (or whatever its called) minimum, would feel that the NRP actually has just as much right to be the RP and should be given the opportunity? Ie, should the father have just as much right to be the RP as the mother? Especially if the father is working full time and more able to financially take care of the DC? Or at least have them 50% and therefore costs are split equally?

NickiFury · 30/01/2015 10:06

Why don't you start a new thread if you want to discuss that?

babbityann · 30/01/2015 10:10

OP, do you know his ex?

YackityUnderTheMistletoe · 30/01/2015 10:10

Wasn't THAT curious! Besides, lots of others have gone off on side tangents.

YackityUnderTheMistletoe · 30/01/2015 10:12

I'm not personally in that situation, btw. Although when DH and I go through difficult times and I start to wonder if we'll survive as a couple I have wondered how we'd manage a split and the DC.

Nicknacky · 30/01/2015 10:14

yackity As it stands now both parents have the "right" to be rp, but then the other parent would be in the position of paying so back to square one! Or are you saying the richer parent should the kids then not need maintenance? That doesn't sound practical.

INickedAName · 30/01/2015 10:17

Im even more confused now, how can your dp buy another house jointly with you if he's had a cut in money which means he can't pay his agreed maintenance?

I think step mums and partners of people with children get a rough deal on here, I agree with other posters who say about budgeting etc and if you had initially posted along the lines of "dp has had his wages cut and is worrying himself sick as he can't provide his agreed amount for his children" you'd have been a lot more practical advice and responses would have been different. But you started by calling her greedy and implied that you think that the lowered amount is too much and she should be greatful for it or that she shouldn't need it because you managed without help from your ex.

The length if time you've been with dp is as irrelevant in the grand scheme of things as you could have been together for decades and his exes income and what she does with it would still be none of your business.

OddFodd · 30/01/2015 10:22

What advice can you give him other than confirming his POV is right?

YackityUnderTheMistletoe · 30/01/2015 10:22

As it stands now both parents have the "right" to be rp

Do they really? From previous threads it seems to be an assumption that a Stay at Home Parent, or a parent working school hours, is the one likely to get residence of the children, regardless of whether the other parent would like custody, or split custody.

Or are you saying the richer parent should the kids then not need maintenance? That doesn't sound practical

I honestly don't know. I suppose though, if there is a SAHP, then the 'richer' parent already pays 100% of the cost, so would it be that different. But then unless they're in their teens (and able to make their own decision who to stay with anyway) they would need some form of childcare so that would be more expensive.

I know there are a lot of selfish guys who just walk out on relationships, without even trying to fix things up.

But in the situations where the relationship just breaks down, through no fault of either person, it just ends up so unfair, on everyone really.