to be fed up with my DPs greedy Ex?

[badhareday]

Am so bloody fed up with her, and the (unnecessary) stress she's putting on DP.

Basically DPs job has changed fairly recently, his hours have been cut and he's not earning anywhere near what he was when they agreed maintenance. So he's done the calculations through the csa (know it's not called that now but can't remember the new name, sorry) and told her what he'll now be able to pay.

She's had a complete hissy fit over it and said if he pays any less that what they agreed she'll take him to court, plus trying to lay a guilt trip on him about how the DC wont have as many nice things cos she wont be able to afford them, etc. And got a solicitor to write to him and threaten court too!

Its idiotic. I really don't get her attitude, where does she expect him to get the extra money from? He's still paying several hundred a month which is more than most. And yet she's not happy.

Am I missing something or is she every bit as unreasonable as she seems to be?

I'm surprised so many other people are prepared to overlook the fact this woman causes a row over money in front of the children at every handover.

OP, I'd leave it. You're never going to win. This is Mumsnet, if he sold his house, everything he owned, every stitch of clothing of has back, gave all the money to his ex and moved into a cardboard box next to the Thames you'd still have people on here saying he was a bad Dad and wasn't doing enough because he'd kept the cardboard box.

I think some people need to remember maintenance is for the purpose of looking after children, not a means of punishing people for the breakdown of a relationship.

But some women are greedy, mumsnet seems to be a different planet from this respect.

Take my ex sil, when she and dbro split because she was shagging men she met on the internet when he. was at work he

Bought her a house outright because. he wanted his dd to be settled (( the house is 400 miles away in the place she moved to with her dd to live in the guys house, actually his mum and dads house. )) had they split equally she'd have got around 30k equity. As it is she has the security of a home for life which dbro has extended his mortgage for.

Paid offher debts with his not massive inheritence from our mother dying because the hassle from loan companies was affecting his dd. Another 15k gone.

Pays his dds phone bill, half of any uniform and any school trips etc.

Takes his dd on holidays through theyear and day trips, activities etc.

Pays around £400 pcm maintenance (( I know this because I asked when she was asking for more money ))

He ended up living in a 1 bed flat and renting out the marital home because he literally had no money to live. Have a guess who took him to court when she found this out because she was convinced he was making a profit ?? Sadly the rent only covers the mortgage, again he's hoping to hold onto it so his dd will have something passed down to her.

Sadly for her mum, my niece is 16 now and wising up to the fact that her mum's a bit of a twat.

I know my brothers case is a little extreme because he's a soft headed idiot but not all NRPs are trying to shirk their responsibilities and not all women are work weary, down trodden victims.

Either gender is capable of being an arsehole.

Some women may be greedy, that's true. But some men are dishonest and some men do not put their children first, they put themselves first.

My ex's family would tell you he's a lovely bloke, puts family first, would want to be there for his kids, but his nasty ex won't let him see them and is bleeding him dry through child maintenance.

The reality is that I kicked him out because he was verbally and physically abusive to our 3yo and 6yo and to me as well. He never sees the dcs as he wants to have visitation in our house so he can control everything, but I won't let him as when he did this he was abusive again. He isn't seeing them at present because he is angry that I told him either public place for visits (supervised) or at the child contact centre for their safety. He hasn't paid a penny of maintenance in a year. He told his mum (who he currently lives with) that he couldn't pay her any money towards rent and utilities and food because he was paying child maintenance, he told me he couldn't pay maintenance because he was paying his mum for rent, utilities, and food. We found this out when his mum stopped over to visit the dcs before Christmas and mentioned it.

A friend of mine has an ex that his family thinks he's lovely, always checking on the kids by stopping by her house and ringing her. In reality, he's been stalking her since they split and she's had to make a police report over it.

So yeah, family and new girlfriends often don't always have the whole story of the marriage, the break up, and what has happened after.

Just a thought. There may actually be more to this dynamic than you know OP.

Just mainly saying that it's possible he's jerked her around regarding the money in the past, which often makes money then a touchy subject in future dealings. Or they've had other issues and this is just one more thing to her that he's messing with them.

It does happen.

Yes. But neither of those men are the. OPs partner. Which is exactly what I mean about people projecting their own situations on to the OP. Just because some men have behaved like bastards doesn't mean we should operate from a default position that all men are bastards.

This is about £100, not about stalking or protecting children.

It's also about the OP calling this woman selfish and obsessed with £100 when the figures offered by the OP as to this woman's private income simply do not add up. It's also a ONE year relationship where OP and her DP do not live together or share finances. It's also the OP projecting her OWN situation into this one and judging the ex because she does not do exactly the same as, she, the OP does. There are loads on inconsistencies here from the OP's account ALONE. That is why I would be very interested in the exes account of this situation.

As for the constant accusations of projection. My ex pays generous CS as he should do as I am the one doing ALL the actual hard work of bringing them up, so there are no axes to grind as far as finances are concerned when I am posting on this thread.

Yes you are. You basically implied that because your ex and your friends ex were violent abusive stalkers the OPs partner was too. You might not have an axe to grind about maintenance in particular but you certainly seem to have one to grind against men in general.

Moan I said "some men"... just like I agreed that "some women" are greedy. I hardly projected anything. I simply said there may be some things going on there that the OP is unaware of. He's hardly going to mention to her something that will make him look like an utter shite, now, is he?

Where? Where exactly did I imply that my ex is a violent, abusive stalker. Please quote me.

Oh, and no axe to grind here either. Yes, I'm annoyed that ex doesn't bother to pay maintenance, but frankly as he's an arse, I didn't expect him to.

I do, however, know of other men that are very good about their child maintenance and are good fathers that don't give their exes a bunch of hassle.

So I'm certainly not lumping all men in one lump here. But OP does need to take on board that there is that possibility that he might have been really awful to his ex or just plain difficult about money in the past, and therefore it might be a sore point for her. Or he may have lied to his ex in the past, so therefore she may not trust that he is being up front with her. It does happen.

I most certainly do not have an axe to grind about men in particular. Some men are arses, some are not. Really not that complicated.

We don't really know for sure if the OP's boyfriend is an arse or not based on what little information we have (it would definitely be interesting to hear both the ex's and the OP's boyfriend's sides of this as I suspect they would clarify a few things). I'm leaning a bit in a certain direction as far as the OP is concerned, of course, but that's mainly because she seems quite judgemental about the ex (who she even states she doesn't really know) and seems far too invested in this.

But hey, in the end, thankfully, it's not my problem.

What a simplistic and unimaginative argument to say that we must "hate all men" because we challenged the inconsistencies in the OP's account of this situation and offered an alternative viewpoint .

I'm not projecting my situation. My EXH is a self employed CM dodging arse.

I STILL think OP sounds like a twazzock.

OP your posts read as though you are about 15 and a very spiteful 15 year old at that.

Your boyfriend/ partner/ whatever, doesn't pay maintenance out of kindness or as some magnanimous gesture. He is helping support his own children, who he is responsible for and yes, he should work himself into the ground if necessary, to provide what they need.

Grow up and butt out of a relationship that is nothing to do with you.