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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up with my DPs greedy Ex?

339 replies

badhareday · 29/01/2015 08:16

Am so bloody fed up with her, and the (unnecessary) stress she's putting on DP.

Basically DPs job has changed fairly recently, his hours have been cut and he's not earning anywhere near what he was when they agreed maintenance. So he's done the calculations through the csa (know it's not called that now but can't remember the new name, sorry) and told her what he'll now be able to pay.

She's had a complete hissy fit over it and said if he pays any less that what they agreed she'll take him to court, plus trying to lay a guilt trip on him about how the DC wont have as many nice things cos she wont be able to afford them, etc. And got a solicitor to write to him and threaten court too!

Its idiotic. I really don't get her attitude, where does she expect him to get the extra money from? He's still paying several hundred a month which is more than most. And yet she's not happy.

Am I missing something or is she every bit as unreasonable as she seems to be?

OP posts:
Nabootique · 29/01/2015 09:21

Do the children spend any nights with you and your DH? That gets taken into account when the CSA work it out, or set the guidelines for people to work it out themselves.

NickiFury · 29/01/2015 09:22

"She is lucky DP is giving her anything at all"

Horse Sh*t.

WD41 · 29/01/2015 09:22

Let the courts decide.

In the meantime you should probably change your attitude towards the situation. Describing the ex as greedy, idiotic, causing unnecessary stress, throwing hissy fits etc. maybe she's just concerned about supporting her children?

You say she should work more hours - why don't you take a second job now your DH has lost income?

Jackieharris · 29/01/2015 09:24

His DCs. His responsibility to maintain them in the standard they have become accustomed to.

Yabu

pictish · 29/01/2015 09:25

She is lucky dp is giving her anything at all
Say what?

ghostyslovesheep · 29/01/2015 09:26

maybe loosing £100 a month of her income IS an issue for her

maybe that does pay for the kids to have swimming lessons or play other sports and maybe she will have to cut back

not your dh's fault but it's not hers either

I'd stay out of it - and I wouldn;t call her 'greedy' - she's just fed up - is your DH not fed up at loosing income?

BarbarianMum · 29/01/2015 09:27

"I think £350 a month is fine for 2 kids"

Really? So she puts in £350 too and that covers everything? Food, housing, utilities, clothing, shoes, school trips, presents for friends parties, transport, activities? Lucky she has no childcare costs (how does that work?)

It can certainly be done but it is hardly the lap of luxury. Or does she perhaps put in more than £350?

tiggytape · 29/01/2015 09:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaucyJack · 29/01/2015 09:29

£350 a month for two children works out at £5.75 a day pp. It is not plenty considering the NRP should be meeting half the costs of their upkeep.

thetroubleis · 29/01/2015 09:31

Well I was on your side mostly, until the 'lucky' part.

I'd like to see how lucky you thought you were in the same situation, let's hope that never happens, eh?

WannaBe · 29/01/2015 09:32

I think that we don't know enough of the facts to be objective tbh.

Why did your dp take a pay cut? Was his job at risk or did he make a choice to take a lower paid job? If the former then it is understandable that the maintanence costs were reduced. if the latter then it is very unreasonable to deliberately reduce his salary in the knowledge that that will affect his children.

You say he pays hundreds over what you believe he should yet he only pays £350 a month for two children (which you feel is enough), it's not that much though is it? tthat only works out at £175 per month per child, not exactly a fortune.

The ex will have presumably had no notice of a change in maintanence, it's horrible to live on the edge wondering if things will stay the same and knowing that things could change without a moment's notice, so it's understandable that she's annoyed, and no, her children won't cost any less.

I think you sound incredibly bitter tbh, and if a pay cut is affecting his children then your dp should try to find a better paid job.

And what the poster above said about the CSA minimum is spot on, how many of us would insist on only being paid minimum wage....? not many I'd like to bet.

PeruvianFoodLover · 29/01/2015 09:43

the electricity bill and gas bill don't reduce because your income decreases.

In most households, I think that they do - ajustments are made to life in order to live within your means; whether that is fewer takeouts/bottles of wine, less central heating or no after school activities for the kids.

Its very unsettling when a portion of your household income comes from a source you have no control over - but in the OPs case, it sounds like the mums reaction is extreme (and ill informed). I agree it is up to both parents to support their child - but in reality, it's usually one parent who decides the standard of living the DCs have; the other parent may or may not be able to afford to contribute half of those costs at that level.

I've always ensured that I'm not 'dependent' on the child maintenance I receive for my basic survival budget - it pays for extras and enhancements (nicer clothes, new (rather than second hand) school uniform, treats) so if DDs dad loses his job or his income reduces, we won't be without the essentials. That has meant tough choices (like selling the former marital home), but I wasn't comfortable with the alternative.

Greencurtain · 29/01/2015 09:50

It doesn't sound like the ex is rolling in money or scrounging.

Children are very expensive and I'm wondering whether he should have taken this revised role/pay cut knowing the responsibilities he had to take care of.

OllyBJolly · 29/01/2015 09:50

but in the OPs case, it sounds like the mums reaction is extreme (and ill informed).

But we don't know the mum's reaction - just that she is looking for proof on the reduced income.

However we do know the OP's thoughts and they are extreme "greedy ex-wife" "hissy fit" and claiming her DP pays "hundreds more" when in reality it is the difference between £350 and "over" £400 (I'm sure if it was nearer £500 she would have said so.)

I think 350 is plenty for 2 children. It covers her mortgage. If she wants more money she could always work more hours herself, she has no childcare costs

And this just sounds like so many of the new partners who have no real idea of the cost of raising kids who post on here bitching about their partners paying maintenance.

HighwayDragon · 29/01/2015 09:54

I get 60 per month for dd, I'd rip his right and left arms off for 350!

Original poster
badhareday · 29/01/2015 09:56

The children are with DP 2 days per week. He's offered to have them more prior to this but she wouldn't agree (because she got less money).

Her monthly income is £2500, that's without maintenance. She's hardly scraping by, if she is she needs to manage her money better.

Fwiw I don't get anything from my X for our DC, so I don't need to imagine myself in this situation. If I was on her shoes I'd appreciate getting something, even of it was less.

OP posts:
Original poster
badhareday · 29/01/2015 10:00

I said he was paying several hundred a month, and that was more than most. I never said he was paying more than he should.

Also she hasn't asked for proof, just said she wants more. He can give her the proof if she wants it.

OP posts:
OddFodd · 29/01/2015 10:01

You haven't answered the question about why he's changed jobs and his hours have been cut.

Of course she had a complete 'hissy fit' Hmm over it - I would too if my income was suddenly cut without warning.

How much money she has and whether you feel it's plenty is neither here nor there. Your DP would still have to pay maintenance if she were a millionaire because they're his kids

basgetti · 29/01/2015 10:02

Fwiw I don't get anything from my X for our DC, so I don't need to imagine myself in this situation. If I was on her shoes I'd appreciate getting something, even of it was less.

And the attitude which expects a RP to be grateful and appreciate anything they are given otherwise they are greedy is what contributes to a culture where your ex is able to get away without paying anything.

WannaBe · 29/01/2015 10:07

ah I think things are becoming clearer now. the op receives no maintanence and she manages so wtf should the greedy ex want maintanence for her children? and of course she wouldn't agree to her ex having the kids more or she would lose money. Hmm

and it must be some lucritive part time job if she earns £2500 a month. Hmm most people don't earn that full-time so how she manages it part time is incredible.

OriginalGreenGiant · 29/01/2015 10:13

You don't have kids for handouts. That includes maintenance. She is lucky DP is giving her anything at all

You're not serious?

Maintenance isn't a handout, it's a nrp contributing to the cost of raising their children.

If dh and I split I wouldn't feel 'lucky' that dh was paying maintenance.

HereIAm20 · 29/01/2015 10:16

I read this with interest and can see both sides. What history is there between them. Perhaps the exH has a history of lying so maybe exW says we'll go to court to test whether he is telling the truth. Perhaps it seems to the exW that since new partner is on the scene she openly begrudges the maintenance being paid to her partner's children and is unable to separate them from the exW. On the other hand if th exH genuinely has fallen on hard times then he will have no problem with resolving it formally and I assume he does want to provide for his children.

I am in the situation where I have been the ex and the new partner and it always seems to be when new partners are on the scene the finances need reviewing! Try to remember the money is not for the exW but your partner's children and he will always have that responsibility and that you'd have to take him with all his baggage. It can be irksome sometimes to see that amount go out each month and think that could be my new car/ holiday or even pay my bills. Also how can you know what her outgoings are? You are making assumptions about that. £350 is not much to pay for 2 kids. We pay £800 for 2 and have our own. It's not forever and they are his children

pictish · 29/01/2015 10:18

I wonder if a lot of what OP says about all this, is what her dp tells her.
That is all.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/01/2015 10:22

"Basically DPs job has changed fairly recently, his hours have been cut and he's not earning anywhere near what he was when they agreed maintenance."

"He has proof from his employer, wage slips etc if she wants to see them"

So my reading of that is that from her point of view she doesn't KNOW that he is earning less. He's told her, but he hasn't shown her the proof. In her shoes, I would not believe him either.

Such a big change to his job, surely it didn't happen overnight? The obvious thing for him to have done was to discuss with her his impending wage cut, and for him to have SHOWN her documentary evidence prior to the change (new contract, letter from employer) so that she could plan for the reduced income. Then when the change happened, show her the new wageslip. This would most likely have avoided this conflict.

Was the change to his job imposed or voluntary? If imposed, he should have done the above. If voluntary, from her viewpoint he is choosing to deprive HIS children.

Sorry to say OP but you lack empathy for his ex, the mother of his children. Just because your Ex pays nothing for his children, don't take it out on her. It's not her fault, nor is she wrong to do her utmost to protect her own children and to expect their father to do the same. Right now it must look to her that he is not.

TranmereRover · 29/01/2015 10:22

You sound bitter that you get no payment from your ex for your children, but that your current partner takes his obligations to his children seriously. Just because you can't / choose not to require your ex to live up to his obligations doesn't make your current partner's ex greedy.