to be fed up with my DPs greedy Ex?

[badhareday]

Am so bloody fed up with her, and the (unnecessary) stress she's putting on DP.

Basically DPs job has changed fairly recently, his hours have been cut and he's not earning anywhere near what he was when they agreed maintenance. So he's done the calculations through the csa (know it's not called that now but can't remember the new name, sorry) and told her what he'll now be able to pay.

She's had a complete hissy fit over it and said if he pays any less that what they agreed she'll take him to court, plus trying to lay a guilt trip on him about how the DC wont have as many nice things cos she wont be able to afford them, etc. And got a solicitor to write to him and threaten court too!

Its idiotic. I really don't get her attitude, where does she expect him to get the extra money from? He's still paying several hundred a month which is more than most. And yet she's not happy.

Am I missing something or is she every bit as unreasonable as she seems to be?

Am I the only feeling sorry for this chap? He's got health issues, dealing with a drop in income which adversely affects him and his children and is being threatened with court.

Bloody hell.

I'm possibly thick, but the figures just don't add up for me. He's proposing to pay his ex £350 a month, which is a drop of £100 a month on what he was previously paying? But he's paying a mortgage of £1000 a month?

Now, either he's got a completely crap interest rate on that mortgage, which is unlikely in today's climate, or he's overpaying it. So why couldn't the overpayment be diverted to close the gap in his child support payments? Effectively, he's asking his children to pay off his mortgage for him.

And as an aside, I may well be crap at budgeting calculations, but it appears to me that if he was able to afford £1450 a month then and £1350 a month now, and presumably has other fixed costs about which we know nothing (in stark contrast to his ex's financial affairs, as many have pointed out - and sharing details of your finances with your ex doesn't automatically translate to having them shared with the world via the internet), then he's either living on fresh air, or his child support (now and previously) is curiously low in relation to his salary.

If he has his kids 1-2 nights a week and the CMS calculator tells him he should be paying 350 a month, he's earning 600 a week after tax, roughly.

Not an overpayment. He didn't get the lowest possible interest rates because he had less than a 20% deposit, which is fairly standard. And because we live in a part of the country where prices are high, many people know who bought in the last few years have mortgages of 1000 or more.

So what exactly of that doesn't add up?

His child support previously was based on csa calculations agreed by his exw. The revised rate, taking into account his salary reduction, is also based on csa. So whether it seems curiously low, or not, is really neither here nor there. After mortgage and maintenance he's left with about 900-1000 to pay everything. Which given his essential bills (not including food or anything else) are about 600 there isn't a vast amount left over.

Why is he stressed and worried about the possibility of court action if he is paying the amount calculated by the CSA? It also seems odd that a solicitor would write letters threatening court action if he really has been paying what he should pay (according to the CSA). She would surely tell your DP's ex that there is no point going to court.

Most people find courts intimidating, going before a judge etc especially when you cant afford a solicitor and the other party can.

As to the letter, in my experience if you're insistent enough (or prepared to pay enough money) then solicitors will often pursue an argument that has little or no merit or prospect of success.

He obviously was in a firm enough financial position to buy a property, which means he had the funds to put together a down payment, as well as make fairly hefty house payments each month. Those are CHOICES. He could have rented, bought a less expensive house, made decisions that kept his outgoings reasonable, to make sure that if his finances took a down turn that he could still provide for his children. It's what adults do. It's called preparation.

It sounds a bit to me like he's planned poorly (ironic considering he apparently did his ex's accounts, so should have enough knowledge to know better) and is now scrabbling because of it.

OP, I would suggest that, if you plan to be around for the long haul, that you take a step back from some of this. His children (and obviously his ex) are going to be around for a long time, and they are part of his life as well. You are only going to make things more stressful IMO if you persist in this, as it's pretty clear you have very rigid opinions about his ex, and that they are not nice opinions either. Stop making assumptions, stop flinging about accusations of greediness, and start acting like an adult. This is not your fight. It's his. And it is also his responsibility to help support those children. Your interference will at some point start affecting the relationship you will have with his children. Do you honestly not understand that in their eyes if you are pushing for him to give less money for child maintenance, that you appear to be devaluing them??

What nonsense! I'm not devaluing them in the slightest, I'm agreeing with DP that he's right to pay what he can afford, as per csa calculations. If I was telling him to pay nothing, you might have an argument. As it is, you really don't.

I don't have to like his Exw. I'm perfectly entitled to think she's conducted herself poorly over this, especially the arguing at handovers. I don't speak to or see my own Ex. I have no intention of having any greater contact than that with DPs ex, unless DP specifically wanted me to, which in the current circumstances was pretty unlikely.

As for the house, I guess you don't live in the South East! There aren't cheaper areas or houses. If you need a 3 bed as DP does, you're never going to find a bargain. Unless you buy something virtually derelict and do it up, which DP doesn't have the skills to do himself. As for renting, where we live 3 beds are 1250 a month. Its cheaper to buy.

OP, you're not paying attention. I didn't say that you were devaluing them. I said that to a child, it might be SEEN (you know, from a child's perspective) as devaluing them.

As for the house, there are loads of people that manage on less funds to cover their living expenses. Perhaps he needs to think about downsizing or making other changes if he can't live within his means and still help support his children. Luxuries and unnecessary expenses should be cut well before maintenance payments are even looked at.

I don't have to like his Exw. I'm perfectly entitled to think she's conducted herself poorly over this, especially the arguing at handovers. I don't speak to or see my own Ex. I have no intention of having any greater contact than that with DPs ex, unless DP specifically wanted me to, which in the current circumstances was pretty unlikely.

It isn't very circumspect, is it? To be asserting your 'entitlement' to an opinion on the 'conduct' of someone you don't even know after so short a period of dating their ex husband?

Isn't there a more diplomatic path?

If you DO intend this relationship to last, this woman (stranger) will be the mother of your DSC.

Surely you can see that their are 'entitlements' and rights at play here stronger than your own?

...that there are....

I don't understand AIBUs.

People ask a question then defend their starting position no matter what the consensus is.

Apart from rent being more expensive than mortgage in the south-east, as the OP said.. owning a home will create an inheritance for his DCs, so is totally the good fatherly thing to do.
I don't really get this thread.

Thread summary:

OP wanted people to agree that her boyfriend's ex is greedy for wanting him to maintain his current level of financial support for his children.
Some stringly disagreed, others defended the boyfriend as his income had dropped. All agreed that as the drop was supposedly in line with what the CMS would order, there's little his ex could do anyway.
OP was discovered to know far too much about her OH's ex's finances, ability to up her hours and access to unlimited free childcare. And as she did it alone, doesn't understand why the ex relies on money from boyfriend.
Discrepancies in the finances were identified.
Bun fight.

You're welcome .

His income will decrease and he will therefore pay less towards his DC. Not his fault.
His income will decrease and she will therefore receive less towards their DC. Not her fault.
His income will decrease and the DC may have to cut some luxuries or activities. Not their fault.

None of it is your business. As others have said, what she earns has nothing to do with it, he should pay what is reasonable, might be what is determined by law, might be more. This is for his conscience and current circumstances to determine, not you.

The way you talk about his ex is horrible.

YABU.

It's tough to suggest the man should have a smaller house and less money for his own life with the DC in order to give more to their mother for her life with the DC.

Yes as the primary carer and runnibg the house where they live the majority of their life, of course she should get a payment. But if the guy maintains the same payment he made when he made more money, at the expense of being able to give the DC a proper bedroom(s) at his own house or being able to do activities/holidays with them himself, it becomes more complicated. Assuming CSA minimum is always being paid and debatable areas are above and beyond that.

Oh don't worry if your mum doesn't have enough to cover things, kiddies. I am paying on a big mortgage and thus creating an inheritance for you ( that will likely be either sold when I move in with my girlfriend or sold to pay my care home needs when I am elderly) . So it's okay for you to go without now because I am doing something for me now under the guise of doing it for you to possibly benefit 50 years from now.

Oh yeah, he is a lovely dad. Always thinking of his kids.

Huh? I meant a a smaller house with possibly no bedroom or shared bedroom for kids when they are with him, not as some hypothetical inheritance. He does have them every week and reportedly wants them more at his but has been denied.

I guess the problem is defining 'enough to cover costs'. Yes where a NRP holds back money for luxuries while the kids are with him while RP struggles to cover basic costs that is wrong. But it really doesn't seem as cut and dry as that here to me.

Why did your DH have a pay cut?

If I were you, OP, I would encourage DP to behave in the way towards his ex that you would want him to behave towards you should you ever find yourself in her position.

Fair, reasonable, respectful. And all that goes with that.

I'm quite happy he is being as fair and reasonable as possible in the circumstances. Unfortunately she's not extending him the same courtesy.

I don't agree he should try to 'improve' his financial position by selling his house and buying a flat too small to accommodate the children he cares for 2 days a week. Nor should he have to deprive the children of decent food, trips out, new clothes or toys (it was agreed they wouldn't bring clothes or toys from home so have separate things at his house) to somehow scrape together the extra 100 so his Exs money doesn't decrease. That seems to devalue the time with him, as though it should automatically be second best.

I know from speaking to some of my friends they think when a relationship ends, the man should just house himself as cheaply as possible. That seems ridiculous to me, especially if he'll be caring for children. My DPs decision to get himself a fairly similar house to the marital home so his children didn't feel staying at Dads was less comfortable than being at home, making sure they had nice bedrooms of their own, and a garden to play in, was to my mind entirely the right one. Even though I suspect most people on here think he should house himself in a bedsit (and would then berate him for not having enough room to have his children overnight!)

Unfortunately she's not extending him the same courtesy

I can see your pursed lips from here.

If you have same concrete thinking style, inflexibility and stubborn refusal to acknowledge that you are wrong in RL as you do on here, I hope to goodness the ex IS even half as hard work as you say. She's going to need to be to deal with her selfish, whiny ex and his deluded new partner who bitches and moans and encourages him in his self centred behaviour, even though she is not in full possession of the facts. I have to say your utter refusal to admit that you've got some of your information wrong, despite having it pointed out to you repeatedly indicates a certain kind of person and my biggest concern is all the children involved in this situation who will surely be picking up on what utter chumps most of the significant adults in their lives are.

Oops thought I had lost that last one so posted again.