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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up with my DPs greedy Ex?

339 replies

badhareday · 29/01/2015 08:16

Am so bloody fed up with her, and the (unnecessary) stress she's putting on DP.

Basically DPs job has changed fairly recently, his hours have been cut and he's not earning anywhere near what he was when they agreed maintenance. So he's done the calculations through the csa (know it's not called that now but can't remember the new name, sorry) and told her what he'll now be able to pay.

She's had a complete hissy fit over it and said if he pays any less that what they agreed she'll take him to court, plus trying to lay a guilt trip on him about how the DC wont have as many nice things cos she wont be able to afford them, etc. And got a solicitor to write to him and threaten court too!

Its idiotic. I really don't get her attitude, where does she expect him to get the extra money from? He's still paying several hundred a month which is more than most. And yet she's not happy.

Am I missing something or is she every bit as unreasonable as she seems to be?

OP posts:
lemisscared · 30/01/2015 10:24

errr, maybe its because they are his children and therefore his responsibility, yab sooooo u but then you know that.

Nicknacky · 30/01/2015 10:24

Putting court orders aside, then obviously either parent could be resident parent if that's what they agree to. Although most of time mum becomes resident parent, I know I would be even though I'm the lower earner and I work shifts.

Marynary · 30/01/2015 10:25

I agree that the ex wouldn't be receiving the benefits quoted by OP if she was earning as much as OP thinks. It also seems a bit strange that the ex apparently has detailed her income to her DP? Is this normal? Why should she have to give him details of her income? Surely only his income is relevant to how much he pays towards his children.

Also why is he so worried and stressed about his ex threats to take him to court. Surely a court would only make him pay a reasonable proportion of his salary? If he really is paying a large proportion of his salary as suggested by OP he would have nothing to worry about.

Tinkerball · 30/01/2015 10:29

inickedaname where does the OP say her partner can't afford the agreed amount with tbe CSA or whatever they are called now, I read it as his agreed amount has been cut because of a reduction in his earnings, I haven't read anything about him not being able to or want to pay this. Plus I also haven't read anything about OP not wanting her partners kids to have this payment yet someone has said this to.

TheChandler · 30/01/2015 10:30

I've no concerns he's after my money! My home is my own. When we move in together it will be to a new property, bought jointly

The more you say about this man, the more he sounds like a clever conman, moving from one woman to another with his sob story and living in their houses free of charge.

How on earth is this man going to be in a position to jointly by a house with his part-time hours and child maintenance commitments? You know its not going to happen, he's just telling you what he wants you to hear.

Are you really so naïve/under his control that you believe everything he tells you?

Marynary · 30/01/2015 10:48

inickedaname where does the OP say her partner can't afford the agreed amount with tbe CSA or whatever they are called now, I read it as his agreed amount has been cut because of a reduction in his earnings, I haven't read anything about him not being able to or want to pay this. Plus I also haven't read anything about OP not wanting her partners kids to have this payment yet someone has said this to.

If the CSA had cut the amount he has to pay he wouldn't be worried and stressed about his ex threats or solicitor's letters threatening court action surely?

Tyzer85 · 30/01/2015 10:51

TheChandler oh do get a grip, you can tell that from a few posts?

doglover17 · 30/01/2015 10:56

Blimey! Give the poor woman a break! You tell her you can't comment without further details and then lambaste her when she provides them. She can't win!

OK OP I am going to try and help you, note the word HELP and not criticise or be down right rude!

Firstly. Your partner, if as you say has had a drop in income, can only pay what he can afford to pay. End of. As someone has said on here, who I applaud for their great common sense, your partner and their ex were still together they would have to ride out this drop in income. The same applies even if they are no longer together.

It is unfortunate and I would hope that once your partners income increases, if it should increase, he will then revisit the maintenance and address the figure upwards.

Secondly, ignore the threats of solicitors and courts. They will highly likely be empty ones. Should this turn out not to be true, then the court will look at incomes and say much as I have said in the first point i.e. his income can only support so much maintenance, end of.

Thirdly, it is common for variations in maintenance to cause stress for ALL. Things will calm down. You just have to ride through it, all of you.

Lastly, you have been in this relationship for what a year? It's early days. I understand your frustration and disappointment with the ex's response at this stage. I really do. However if you love your partner and your stepchildren, you will ride this out, suck it up (meant in the nicest possible way) and understand that it's not about your partner, you or your ex but the children who you will hopefully grow to love and care about (if you haven't already). You will learn that you do not want them to suffer and that providing two happy homes in which happy adults exist in whatever way you can (and sometimes that means throwing a lot of money at it for all the right reasons, and in my case some of my own even; missing out on social events; and romantic nights in favour of investing emotionally and financially with the children etc etc such is family life), will provide the best environment for these children to thrive and feel secure and loved. It may take a wee while to get this and to move on from feeling some resentment towards other peoples actions and behaviour but it is in everyones best interests if you do, including yours ;-)

Love your partner, and his children and support him in doing the best for his children and take the ex out of the equation should you need to (and I should add here that many ex's are lovely) and you have the basis of a long lasting, happy relationship.

Good luck from a stepmum of three years who has been through and seen a lot, learnt a lot and loving it.

Original poster
badhareday · 30/01/2015 12:44

Since some of you are so motivated by your own agendas and need to insult me that you're incapable of understanding simple facts, let me spell it out for you.

How can he afford to buy a house with me? Well, DP is already paying the mortgage on the house he lives in, bought post divorce. When we buy somewhere together he'll either sell it or remortgage to be in a position to pay for the new property. Indeed as his mortgage now is about 1000 a month he will be no worse off when we live together, in fact possibly better off if our mortgage payment is less than 2000.

As for the comment about him moving from woman to woman, that's hilarious. He bought the fmh with his Ex, he paid deposit etc. His share in that will be realised when his DC are 18. She certainly didn't contribute more than him. That situation and ours when we buy together are utterly different.

Thanks for your kind words, doglover. I am very fond of the DC and love spending time with them, and I hope they feel similarly. I will try to be less annoyed by his Ex, she isn't relevant to our relationship (indeed prior to this issue I'd had few thoughts about her one way or the other).

I'll support my DP if it all goes to court but hopefully it wont get that far. I may suggest he sends all documents about his earnings to her and her legal people, least then he's done everything he can to prove he's being honest.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 30/01/2015 12:49

"I may suggest he sends all documents about his earnings to her and her legal people, least then he's done everything to prove he's being honest"

Thank goodness he's got you around to think of that for him. Such a simple and sensible idea would certainly alleviate all the terrible stress he's been under.

duckwalk · 30/01/2015 13:14

Seriously, I think people need to take a step back! Give the op a break!

CheeseandGherkins · 30/01/2015 13:15

So he's still on the mortgage at his old house (as you said he will realise his share in it when the children are 18), his ex's family helped pay off some of the mortgage so she could afford it (presume this amount is taken off his share?), but he's also got a new mortgage which he pays £1000 a month for? He must be on a hell of a wage to have got a bank to give him a mortgage to cover not only his new one, but his old one too, as that's how it usually works. Forgive me if I've misunderstood.

NickiFury · 30/01/2015 13:23

duckwalk the OP hasn't given an inch on this. She's called this woman greedy and selfish, implied that she is a bad mother, presented her private financial affairs for ALL to read here on MN, refuses to acknowledge that the figures she stated previously cannot possibly be true unless there is DLA involved, won't respond to any questions regarding that and continues to stand by all this despite many explaining to her that the "knowledge" by which she judges this woman so negatively and asks US, a bunch of strangers on the internet to judge her by also cannot be correct. I don't think she is the one who needs to be given a break, she looks like she's holding her own pretty well to me.

ArsenicFaceCream · 30/01/2015 13:30

Nice summary Nicki Grin

duckwalk · 30/01/2015 13:30

tiptoes quietly away

Original poster
badhareday · 30/01/2015 13:39

Yes, you've misunderstood. His share has been agreed formally at a figure but wont be paid until house is sold in some years. He's not on the mortgage, this is in his exW sole name now.

As for you Nicki, where do I start? Don't let your gift for fabrication get in the way of the truth. Alternatively please explain where I called the Exw a bad mother? You can't because I didn't say it. I've no idea about her parenting skills so couldn't comment one way or the other.

As for the benefits, I don't know how these are made up. She gets tax credits and other benefits. According to various posters these cant amount to the figure she says. I don't get tax credits or child benefit so didn't know these couldn't add up to 600-700. I can't say more than that because that's as much as I know!

OP posts:
NickiFury · 30/01/2015 13:45

So you admit you're wrong then? That you're making very strong judgements on this woman (and asking MNetters too as well) founded on inaccurate information? I will ask again, does your DP's ex get DLA either for herself or one of her children?

NickiFury · 30/01/2015 13:47

And you're right YOU didn't directly say she was a bad mother, but the extremely slanted and inaccurate information you gave has led others to and you certainly haven't refuted that have you?

LaurieMarlow · 30/01/2015 13:51

So have you seen evidence of her income/benefits OP? Or did she tell you?

Because earlier you were suggesting that your OP helped her with her accounts (which would suggest he saw some paperwork). Now you imply your figures are based on what she's said verbally.

Either you are deceiving us, your DP is deceiving you, or she's deceiving him. But I have no idea why she would lie to him to the tune of exaggerating her income. Seems like a bizarre thing for her to do in the circs.

Original poster
badhareday · 30/01/2015 13:59

The information I've given hasn't been slanted in the least. It's been based on documents I've seen either from her or my DP.

I don't know of any reason why she or the DC would get DLA. I know she gets tax credits because it was mentioned by her in correspondence. I expect she must also get child benefit, I don't know whether there are other benefits she is eligible for in addition. If others who know more than me say there aren't, then there aren't. Although it seems odd she'd give deliberately misleading information to make her income seem greater? But so be it.

OP posts:
intlmanofmystery · 30/01/2015 14:05

The income of his exW is irrelevant. If your P now has a lower income than when they divorced he can only afford lower payments. The CSA/CMS calculation will determine this. Let her take him to Court, according to my solicitor (I am currently in process), she won't win. If there is spousal maintenance involved it may be different. Yes of course she's throwing a hissy fit - are you surprised?! My exW uses exactly the same arguments but there is only a finite amount of money and I cannot give her money that I don't have. End of.

ArsenicFaceCream · 30/01/2015 14:36

OP you are completely overinvolved in the lives and finances of two people, neither of whom you live with, are married to, or have any financial ties whatsoever with.

WHY are you so stressed and worked up about it all?

lunar1 · 30/01/2015 16:13

I would be very wary of a man who has shared all this information with you. I'm not convinced your info is accurate especially the level of benefits he tells you his ex is getting.

Financial things are private. He should not be sharing his ex's private financial information with you. You don't have children together and you don't live together, his finances done affect you and hers certainly don't.

Would you like to be in this situation somewhere down the line? If you move in together and then spilt up would you want him to share your personal information with his next girlfriend?

Original poster
badhareday · 30/01/2015 17:35

I don't think expressing an opinion after being asked for one (and to read the relevant paperwork) by my DP is being overinvolved, nor is caring that he's distressed over the current situation and feeling some annoyance towards the cause of that distress. So far as we are concerned, we're a partnership and discuss any issue that concerns or troubles us with the other. I thought that was the point of a mutually supportive relationship?!

The info about her income was provided by the Ex not my DP. I had assumed it would be accurate because why would she say she received more than she does, given she won't accept the lower payment on the grounds it will leave her hard up. In such circumstances it seems odd to have not been honest about her current income. DP and I took her figures on face value. Ultimately it matters not whether she currently has income of 2200 or 2500, DP can only pay her what he can afford or the minimum CSa payment, whichever the greater, and at present the CSA amount is all he can manage.

If my DP and I did ever split up, and he then met someone else, and then had some unresolved financial issue with me that he asked her about, which I had sent him emails or other correspondence about, it really wouldn't bother me if he discussed the content with his new gf, or showed that correspondence to her or anyone else, why on earth would it? I wouldn't be expecting any such document to be strictly confidential between us two, it's not a love letter for goodness sake. I'd expect in any situation that a person might seek advice from friend, family or new partner. That's human nature. I certainly wouldn't tie myself in knots worrying because his mate from the pub might know what I earn, so what?

OP posts:
Marynary · 30/01/2015 17:44

The info about her income was provided by the Ex not my DP. I had assumed it would be accurate because why would she say she received more than she does, given she won't accept the lower payment on the grounds it will leave her hard up.

Why would she give any details of her income though?