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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up with my DPs greedy Ex?

339 replies

badhareday · 29/01/2015 08:16

Am so bloody fed up with her, and the (unnecessary) stress she's putting on DP.

Basically DPs job has changed fairly recently, his hours have been cut and he's not earning anywhere near what he was when they agreed maintenance. So he's done the calculations through the csa (know it's not called that now but can't remember the new name, sorry) and told her what he'll now be able to pay.

She's had a complete hissy fit over it and said if he pays any less that what they agreed she'll take him to court, plus trying to lay a guilt trip on him about how the DC wont have as many nice things cos she wont be able to afford them, etc. And got a solicitor to write to him and threaten court too!

Its idiotic. I really don't get her attitude, where does she expect him to get the extra money from? He's still paying several hundred a month which is more than most. And yet she's not happy.

Am I missing something or is she every bit as unreasonable as she seems to be?

OP posts:
Chunderella · 29/01/2015 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 29/01/2015 18:40

Exactly Chundarella - it just doesn't add up.

Chunderella · 29/01/2015 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KissyBoo · 29/01/2015 18:49

I have read the thread thanks.

This strikes me as a NRP posing as a new female partner to curry favour in a predominantly female forum or a crock.

If this were a new partner posting why would she have seen his wage slips since they are not financially involved in each others households? People can take some salaried work and do other jobs self-employed so it looks like they have a low salary.

Either the OP is ignorant as to the facts of the matter and swallowing an account given by her dubious boyfriend or the OP isn't who they claim to be.

Lioninthesun · 29/01/2015 18:55

A lot of women are happy to swallow everything the NRP says though, so she wouldn't be the first. It sounds as though things are still in the honeymoon phase to me and NRP has been busy doing the "woe is me" act to try to put himself in the best light. He wouldn't be the first.
I'd think long and hard OP about whether this could actually be more him begrudging paying for his kids and wanting someone to take his side.
I would be very interested to hear how you know so much about her though. If he created children with her and can say horrible things about her, it doesn't say much about him or his choice in women.

INickedAName · 29/01/2015 19:05

Did your dp do her accounts when they were together or after they separated? If it's the first then as I said earlier her circumstances will have changed, as she will be making any claims as a single parent and be entirely responsible for the finances in her own home rather than part of a joint couple. If it's the latter the she has obviously trusted her children's father to share this information. Bet she wouldn't have done that had she down somewhere down the line a new girlfriend would use such info against her.

pollyenta · 29/01/2015 19:23

His contribution isn't only 350 a month though, is it. Its 350 plus their costs two days of the week.

He has them two days, and pays those costs. That leaves five days. Take off two of those days, assume the RPs costs on those days cancel out the costs the NRP has on his two days. Then the RP has the kids for the extra three days - the 350 the NRP pays covers half the costs of the kids on those three days.

lapetitesiren · 29/01/2015 19:27

If the difference is 50 ish pounds a month could he not just continue to pay what they have agreed and cut back himself. Its a lot of animosity otherwise and maybe she is reliant on the money. Could he rent somewhere a bit cheaper?

NickiFury · 29/01/2015 19:40

You're not married to him, you don't live with him, you don't share finances, you don't know or speak to his ex wife, you don't have access to her bank accounts (I hope!). In fact all you really know is what he chooses to tell you, yet you feel so strongly about it that you've posted details of this woman's finances on a public forum for 1000's to read. Let's also put forward the idea that a man who you have lived with, married and had children with is a very different kettle of fish from someone you've just been going out with for a while.

I think you're at best naive and gullible, at worst full of malice and jealousy towards a woman and situation you actually know very little about and what you do know comes from a man who has a rather rocky relationship with his ex and a vested interest in having you feel sorry for him. Which is it?

pictish · 29/01/2015 20:31

Well said Nicky

pictish · 29/01/2015 20:31

with an i

MistressDeeCee · 29/01/2015 20:57

The DP just sounds to me like one of those "my ex is a bitch" guys - full of stories about how his ex is doing him down, with the gullible current GF falling for his guff; indignant on his behalf, but equally upset that DP hasn't set up home with her. He, of course, will have the excuse that he isn't in any position to do so..too worried/stressed/financially strapped, so best off where he is. Win-win situation for him really.

& he won't go to court at all - the "it shouldnt need to go to court" are probably his words. Going to court would finalise everything and these guys don't really want finality...

I can never quite fathom why women will actually put up with men who talk about their exes all the time. Its rude. & so clear they're over-invested in their ex GF - and the reasons for that are fairly obvious. In the meantime current GF just becomes more and more insecure. Instead of having an honest conversation with DP about concerns its easier not to face up to certain things, and just blame the ex GF.

Original poster
badhareday · 29/01/2015 22:02

Do sod off with you're I'm gullible. I'm not. I've seen plenty of evidence of my DPs finances. Just because we don't yet live together doesn't mean I don't know exactly what he earns and what he has in the bank, and vice versa. I have no reason to keep secrets or be disingenuous and nor does he. We've been together for over a year sp trying to insult me and infer it's some littlefling is really fucking insulting. I've also seen correspondence between them where she has mentioned the benefits/income she receives. Why have I seen this? Because my DP wanted my advice on what to do, because he was flummoxed by her stance given what she has til him of her finances and what he has seen previously.

I'll repeat again, there is nothing to stop her increasing her hours to full time from a childcare pov as her childcare is free.

I couldn't care less how unlikely it seems to some of you who subscribe to the any man who ends up divorced is a worthless sack of shit. I know what's true and what isn't.

OP posts:
CupidStuntSurvivor · 29/01/2015 22:11

And I'll repeat, how do you know so much about her finances?

Original poster
badhareday · 29/01/2015 22:13

And fwiw I'm in no hurry to set up home with DP. There's no financial need on my side. Like I said I have enough money of my own. Within 2 years I will own my (fairly expensive) home outright. I certainly don't need any extra money. And for reasons to do with DC, moving on isn't right for me, or him, now.

As for the pathetic oh he's not over her, how utterly laughable. That's a bit like playground bitching. Not meant nicely or constructively but actually as a put down. Luckily I'm not in the slightest bit insecure or lacking in confidence so I can dismiss such petty comments Smile

OP posts:
TartinaTiara · 29/01/2015 22:13

You've been going out with him a year or so, you don't live with him, you don't share his finances so, to be honest, it's fuck all to do with you what he pays in maintenance.

She may well be able to increase her hours. So could he, you've already said that, he just doesn't feel like it. So he doesn't feel like supporting his children. Poor lamb, my heart bleeds for him. Isn't he lucky he's got you fighting his corner?

CupidStuntSurvivor · 29/01/2015 22:16

It appears you've been rumbled OP and you don't like it.

A year is hardly long term.

And I doubt she's sharing info by email about all the money she gets while still being annoyed he's reducing the amount he pays her.

You're far too annoyed over something that's bugger all to do with you. Get a grip.

Romeyroo · 29/01/2015 22:19

I'll repeat again, there is nothing to stop her increasing her hours to full time from a childcare pov as her childcare is free

Clearly you have no idea, OP, about looking after children as a single parent and working full-time; otherwise you would not throw it about so lightly as a suggestion.

Nicknacky · 29/01/2015 22:24

So he doesn't want to work extra hours, so she should even though she has has two young children? How is that fair?

Why should she take up the slack because your partner can't be bothered doing it?

JeffVaderRunsTheDeathStar · 29/01/2015 22:37

So he should be forced to continue working hours determined by his ex till the kid is 18. Right.

TheChandler · 29/01/2015 22:47

Not determined by his ex, JeffVader, determined by his children. His own children. Why on earth wouldn't he expect to support his own children by working?

OP you actually sound quite mad. If this is the effect this man is having on you after only a year, and you are ignoring all the very blatant red flags (heavily critical of ex, being taken to court for child maintenance, refusing to work full time, complaining about supporting his own children), you deserve all you get. Sometimes its not all about money, its about doing your duty to your family and doing things that won't benefit you directly such as buying cars and stereos and spending your money on foreign holidays.

Like I said I have enough money of my own. Within 2 years I will own my (fairly expensive) home outright.

I'd be concerned he was after you for your house and money. Has this seriously never occurred to you? A workshy man who is obsessed with his ex's finances...mmnn what a catch.

MistressDeeCee · 29/01/2015 23:22

OP - whether I sod off or not - you remain gullible. Being on here in attack mode isn't going to improve your situation 1 iota so, what odds "shrugs"

You've been together for a year - no time at all reallyl - yet you pore over his exe's finances and are very invested in what she does & does not do..when really, you simply need to butt out and leave her and your DP to sort out what they must.

You really do sound like Miss Angry..hopefully you're not anywhere near his DCs spouting your vitriol about their mother

PeruvianFoodLover · 29/01/2015 23:27

being taken to court for child maintenance

At the risk of repeating myself, this is not something that is within the scope of the "ex" - it is not possible for a resident parent to apply to court regarding the level of CM payment made by a non-resident parent - that is exclusively the responsibility of the CMS (formally CSA).

If the OP is to be believed, then the "ex" is responding to the reduction in maintenance by applying to family court. As the only court action available to her relates to contact or residency it stands to reason that the action she has taken is in relation to either of those issues.

I'm surprised there is so much defence of the "ex" on this thread, given that her behaviour in response to the OPs DPs change in financial support seems to be directed at the DCs? It's hardly their fault that their dad has a lower income, is it?

Lioninthesun · 30/01/2015 00:03

You both sound very worthy of each other.
Maybe you remind him of her?

  1. £
  2. Own house/mortgage nearly paid off
  3. DC who get little/nothing from their dad
  4. V. interested in other peoples £
  5. Determination that you are in the right
  6. Not interested in living with him
HTH Smile
duckwalk · 30/01/2015 02:09

My ex pays £100 pm towards our dc. I used to go through cs/cm and it was calculated at £410 pm. But after months of him threatening to take me to court to prove I was an unfit mother as I suffer from depression, and constantly telling our dc that No, he can't take them swimming/ to the cinema/ buy a chocolate bar because "mummy takes all my money off me", I finally decided to cancel official payments and accept his offer. I was in a very vulnerable place mentally and emotionally, and even though common sense told me that no judge in the land would hand dc to him on such grounds, I just couldn't take the constant threats. He now has a new dp and baby (who wears designer gear), drives a nice car and lives in a 5 bedroom house.
I'm now remarried to a wonderful man who provides for our little family (I work part time) and so don't feel the strain like I used to.
Sorry, don't really know where I'm going with this tbh or what the point in my post is lol!! Threads like this get me thinking about it all and I always read with interest.

Sorry for the rambly hijack! Grin

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