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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up with my DPs greedy Ex?

339 replies

badhareday · 29/01/2015 08:16

Am so bloody fed up with her, and the (unnecessary) stress she's putting on DP.

Basically DPs job has changed fairly recently, his hours have been cut and he's not earning anywhere near what he was when they agreed maintenance. So he's done the calculations through the csa (know it's not called that now but can't remember the new name, sorry) and told her what he'll now be able to pay.

She's had a complete hissy fit over it and said if he pays any less that what they agreed she'll take him to court, plus trying to lay a guilt trip on him about how the DC wont have as many nice things cos she wont be able to afford them, etc. And got a solicitor to write to him and threaten court too!

Its idiotic. I really don't get her attitude, where does she expect him to get the extra money from? He's still paying several hundred a month which is more than most. And yet she's not happy.

Am I missing something or is she every bit as unreasonable as she seems to be?

OP posts:
MythicalKings · 29/01/2015 16:44

Kissy read the full thread. The father has pay slips which show his income has gone down. You don't get those if you are self employed. Plus he would like to have the DCs with him more but the Ex won't allow it in case she loses money.

She needs to get a job herself.

Tinkerball · 29/01/2015 17:07

Kissy you can't say £350 is inadequate without knowing his income.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 29/01/2015 17:24

If the OP is in a long term relationship with this man, her OH knows far too much about his ex's income as for the entirety of this relationship, his ex's finances have been her own.

And I'm still extremely curious about this part time job that pays £2500 a month after tax. Especially in an area with £350/month mortgages available.

It really does strike me that either the OP is being misinformed by her OH or simply that she's extremely pissed off that her OH gives another woman money each month.

Because let's face it, as the OP and her partner live apart and have nothing to do with each others' finances, this doesn't affect her in the slightest.

The CMS amount is a minimum requirement. NRPs who have the best interests of their children at heart and are able to come to terms with the fact that the money is for their children, not their ex, will give as much as they can, not the minimum legally required. Just as resident parents cater for their children's wants rather than just their needs.

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 29/01/2015 17:28

If the DP/ExP got notice of his hours and income changing and prepared the ExW for the subsequent drop in maintenance that's one thing. If he's just sprung it on her in a "you'll be getting less next month" way then i can see why she'd be pissed off.

The money the ExW gets sound like it's been made up to me. She's got a mortgage so won't be getting housing benefit. She's got no child card costs so won't be getting top whack tax credits. The £2,500 must be made up mainly of wages. Which is fab for a part timer. And if she's picking up say £2,200 per month in wages, her salary must be about £39k. Which I think Would out her over the tax credit threshold?

But that's irrelevant.

He needs to pay at least the minimum the CSA or whatever it is called now says he should. I can't see going to court would do anything to increase this.

But don't kid yourself he is being somehow generous in doing the bare minimum. And don't kid yourself that you're not resentful. you sound well matched

INickedAName · 29/01/2015 17:41

You keep bringing up the amount of money that the ex has coming in, it's totally irrelevant and really has nothing to do with you. How can your dp be so certain that nothing has changed? For one her tax credits claim (if she gets them) will have altered after they split as it's no longer a couple, your boyfriend has no way of knowing for certain what is going in her bank account each month unless he is accessing it, which would be wrong. I said before she could be earning a million pound each day and he would still be required to pay and it would still be non of your business.

I think people would have had more sympathy if you didn't complain about the exes income and outgoings. It makes you sound very jealous of her. I'm sorry if I missed if you answered but did your dp let her know that the maintained was going to be dropped once he knew he couldn't keep up with their arrangement?

Original poster
badhareday · 29/01/2015 17:42

I'm not making anything up and nor is my DP. His Ex gets about 1800-1900 for working pt. No childcare costs as explained. Her other benefits are 600-700. Hence 2500, plus 350 my DP will be paying her.

Her mortgage is so low because its the former marital home, bought when houses were cheaper and because since the divorce her family made a substantial contribution towards paying off the bulk of the equity.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 29/01/2015 17:44

You're just a seething ball of jealousy over this aren't you? Honestly for your own mental well being I think you just need to butt out.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 29/01/2015 17:46

Ok OP. Why do you and your boyfriend know the ins and outs of his ex's finances?

Tyzer85 · 29/01/2015 17:47

How the hell is she getting paid that much for part time work? I can see your point OP (kind of) but your knowledge of her financial situation cannot be correct unless she's in a highly skilled professional job but even then I'd be dubious.

ArcheryAnnie · 29/01/2015 17:48

A woman trying to protect the income her children should be getting from their father isn't "greedy". Maintenance isn't a "handout", it's what he owes for the children he had.

YABU.

alabastergirl · 29/01/2015 17:49

Going to court is nonsense. That wouldn't happen. But she could quite easily go via the CMS for maintenance.

I have had to do the same myself when the ex arbitrarily cut the money he was giving me. And the sheer panic of losing a chunk of money a month is pretty hideous.

I think you slagging her off and spouting how much money she has is wrong on so many levels. I hope you don't speak about her in the same way to her children.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 29/01/2015 18:01

For example OP, you've said the mortgage amount has changed since the divorce as her parents have helped her pay some off. So your figure for the mortgage isn't a pre-divorce figure. It's a new one that you and your boyfriend have no business knowing. So why do you know that, her wage, her lack of childcare costs, how much she gets in benefits, etc?

TheGirlFromIpanema · 29/01/2015 18:03

If she is earning net pay of £1800 or more she won't be getting tax credits, or very very little.

I call bollocks, envy or just general goady fuckery.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 29/01/2015 18:06

I suspect OP is currently hashing out a feasible story about how she and her OH are so well acquainted with ex's finances.

LaurieMarlow · 29/01/2015 18:16

Do tell us what she does for a living OP. So we can go and bag an improbably lucrative part time job in this field for ourselves

WipsGlitter · 29/01/2015 18:19

If she's a professional - a locum doctor or a barrister she could be eating that part time. I earned over £2k per month working part time at one point.

WipsGlitter · 29/01/2015 18:20

Earning. Not eating.

TheGirlFromIpanema · 29/01/2015 18:24

I earn not far off it tbh. £15ish an hour on a part time basis would net you that much each month.

The bollox bit is all the benefits she supposedly receives on top.

One or the other is way off. I suspect Op has realised this now Hmm

HerRoyalNotness · 29/01/2015 18:27

Of course people can get paid that for part time. I work 4 days and earn more. I'm not particularly skilled, don't have a college degree, tbh a monkey could do my job, but I keep that to myself.

I'm sure earlier in the thread the OP said the X has discussed her finances with the DP.

heartisaspade · 29/01/2015 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lioninthesun · 29/01/2015 18:28

I get a piddly £5 per week but I'd not begrudge someone else complaining if their ex suddenly started to pay less. She presumably cannot work FT because she is main carer for the DC that your DP and her created together.

You don't seem particularly keen on her, which sadly smacks of jealousy. I'm wondering what has been said about her by him, which presumably is the only real way you know her (unless you were friends before you two got together?). In which case, I'd take anything you 'know' about her with a pinch of salt. It is unlikely to be true if your only source of info is your DP.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 29/01/2015 18:28

I don't doubt that there are such lucrative part time jobs.

I do doubt that she'd get such generous benefits on top and that her parents would feel the need to pay off a chunk of her mortgage post-divorce if she's on such a good income with so few outgoings.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 29/01/2015 18:31

And let's face it, if I wanted my ex to continue paying the larger figure towards our children, the last thing I'd be doing is telling him just how well off I am and explaining what money I get from where.

Chunderella · 29/01/2015 18:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hamptoncourt · 29/01/2015 18:38

I can't see how this is any of your business. You have no shared finances with this man, it sounds like he is just some bloke you are dating.

If she really earnt £1800 - £1900 net then there is no way she would get benefits of £600 - £700. Did he tell you this or did you just make it up?

I imagine she is angry he has taken a lower paid job as it is affecting her financially. Calling her greedy makes you look extremely unpleasant.

Maybe you should keep your nose out?