To think it's not ok for married man

[changeclothesss]

To go round to female colleagues house to 'help her with her tax return' and stay for dinner?

DH is at his friends house right now, I have no issue at all. They have been friends for years (she's my friend too now, but they share a hobby that I have no interest in) long before I came along.

I don't mind because I'm not worried, I don't have any 'funny feelings' about it, the OP clearly has so there must be a reason for that.

I understand Heartisaspade - that carpet of yours is going to take some cleaning. A much better use of your time.

Why can't you see what you're doing to me? When you don't believe a word I'm saying. There you go again, asking where I've been. You can't see these tears are real I'm crying. Yes I'm crying. Ooh. We can't go on together....

OP if you are bothered by him going you needed to talk to him and say it to him. You needed to say I don't want you to stay for dinner or I don't want you to go at all. How you feel is your perogative but you need to make those feelings clear to him.

Fucking hell, some horrible responses on here.

change if it doesn't feel ok then you need to talk to him about it. Of course married men can have female friends/have dinner etc but if it seems out of character and your gut is telling you something then it's ok to act on it.

Is he generally trustworthy? Have you had reason to doubt him before?

OP - I have some excellent advice for you. Never post in AIBU. People literally trip each other over to make you feel stupid/paranoid or whatever - some of them even think they're funny.

Relationships is the place if you're still feeling worried by this. Hope you're ok.

ps. In my time, I have also slept in a bed with male friends without having sex with them, but I wouldn't do it now I'm committed/married. Because that's just fucking strange.

Dh has had dinner with other women, but funnily enough I trust him and them (admittedly they have been mainly my friends). If the situation was reversed then I'm sure we'd be safe because I fancy my DH more than any other man I know. it's pretty simple really.

Even if a married man had agreed to sort out my tax return, I would not make him dinner knowing that he had a wife waiting at home for him -its a tax return, hardly a massive favour warranting dinner!

Would have probably bought bottle of wine for them to share instead.

Who invites married men over in the evenings, friend or no friend?

Some people cheat. Some don't.

Personally I can't think of anything less attractive than being suspected / accused of the worst if you are actually in the latter category. That's just a personal opinion. Had a BF once at uni who got all possessive, paranoid and downright scary because I went out as the only girl with a bunch of lads. Put me off him immediately.

OP - By all means tell him when he gets home tonight what he can and do in future, who he can and can't help, what he can and can't accept as thanks. But be prepared for the damage this might do.

Unless of course he is in fact a proven cheating bastard. In which case, the Old Testament and the Koran provide specific and detailed instructions about how they should both be dealt with. Naturally the vile harlot will come out worse off. But that'll learn her.

Vile harlot? Nobody's said that (except you). Chill.

Anyone woman who is alone with a man (who isn't her husband, brother or father) is, by definition, a very vile harlot. If you don't believe me just read The Word of God (any of the joyful Abrahamic religions will prove this to you).

That is a very strange assertion, and makes me a 'vile harlot' too.

But then I don't live my life by those religions - phew.

Well I'm glad about that. I think they have a lot to answer for in terms of perpetuating outdated myths of male and female interaction and probably breeding / conditioning a great deal of suspicion and paranoia.

Well, when you refer to 'vile harlots' - then yes they do. But that has little to do the OP - who may have genuine concerns.

I would not like my DH having dinner with a woman. Not sure why this is so weird. I would have thought that was the norm with most people for both sexes.
DH agrees. No dinners with male friends for me. Shame hey!

She may indeed. That's the whole point of this conversation. What is she going to be led by? Trust? Or suspicion?

The "vile harlot" conditioning is probably what causes people like PJ2000 (All men think with their cocks) and Heartisaspade to immediately think and believe the worst.

Promise to get down from my high horse if OP's DH has indeed been shagging his work colleague this evening! I'm gonna feel like such a big silly I really am.

OP

Why not speak to your husband (if he is who you are talking about). Sometimes us men are just stupid and don't realise that we're causing concern or upset.

I arranged to meet up with an old female work colleague when I moved offices (down the road) but my wife wasn't comfortable with it so I made my excuses.

What is it you don't like? Him helping another woman or staying for dinner?

Yeah

Maybe reign it in a bit?

Whatmess and BruceTwee I'm curious how you handle that in practice. If we were at a work event and it got late or whatever and it was time to eat, do you say "I'm sorry I can't eat with you because my partner wouldn't approve." Doesn't that just perpetuate the "thinks with his cock" belief?

Wouldn't bother me unless he didn't tell me he wasn't coming home for tea and I made it/was waiting.

It would have bothered me once upon a time and that level of jealous and paranoia turned me into a total cunt and fucked a perfectly good relationship I was in with a perfectly decent man. I had some cbt and addressed my insecurities (because in my case that was the driving factor) and now I'm in a healthy, functioning marriage and am capable of trust. I'd no more think of flying to the moon than rooting through his phone/emails (and I could, we know each other's passwords) and we both spend time with our friends, male or female. Sometimes this involves food or overnight stays. It never involves extra marital sex.

To be honest I don't know! I don't think the work scenario would be an issue but it was more because I was going out of my way to meet an old colleague.

My wife isn't untrusting but she was uncomfortable about it so I wasn't going to intentionally hurt her.

Great that you speak to each other. I guess that's the only helpful advice for OP.

I guess the tone I on this thread that I worry most about is the one of dwelling on the worst possible scenario. As Jengnr has shared, my guess is that this could be because of deeper insecurities. This has definitely played out in the break up of one our closest friends marriage. It actually became a self fulfilling prophecy because he was simply not trusted at all. Not a fun person to be around.

My advice to OP is to trust her gut. If this is the first time her senses are tingling, then my guess is she is not normally the paranoid type but if s something about this one is making her uncomfortable, she should speak to her dh sooner rather than later before it festers. This way, she can get it out of the way calmly and matter-of-factly.

Have to say I can't stand all the smug posts here from women about how they trust their husbands so much, their husbands would never cheat on them, they trust them 100% in the company of another woman and blah blah blah! Don't be so naive. I know so many women in real life who have said ' oh my husband would never cheat on me or have an affair' and have later found out he has been.

Formerbabe, I totally agree about the naivety of some of the trusting posters. Ask any attractive woman whether they think they can make an ordinary married man stray. I bet their percentage success rate will be far higher than the number of women on this thread with dh's with apparently pants of steel and eyes that don't see.

An affair (or hook up) happens at the cross-road of curiosity and opportunity. The married man may not be necessarily looking for one but "it happens" when the conditions are right ...

When I was younger (about 22 ish) I worked with a guy who was married and was chasing me. Nothing happened but he wanted it to and we got very close, emotionally. I'll be honest, we were falling in love with each other.
He was a lovely guy and I'm pretty certain that his wife would have been able to say "I trust him 100%" n all her friends and family would probably be thinking he was the kind of man who would never cheat.
It only ended because I ended it, I knew it could never end well.
10 years on they're still together n she probably still trusts him 100%