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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not ok for married man

230 replies

changeclothesss · 29/01/2015 00:10

To go round to female colleagues house to 'help her with her tax return' and stay for dinner?

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 29/01/2015 08:44

feels the way she does*

Bowlersarm · 29/01/2015 08:46

That's sad pj you must have had some very unsavoury dishonest men in your life.

squizita · 29/01/2015 08:49

My dh has 2 good female friends. One is married and one isn't.
He can eat dinner, talk work, watch football etc with either (not having a husband doesn't make a woman a desperate sex maniac you know) just the same.
He also has a gay male friend. Again I credit them both with being decent humans who want to eat food at dinner time not bone.

SaucyJack · 29/01/2015 08:50

Look- it doesn't matter what's normal or ok for other people's husbands.

The fact is, you're not OK with your husband doing it.

You need to (and believe me we'll help) try and work out whether you've got good reason to get your hackles up or whether you're just being a bit of a bunny boiler.

EvilTendency1 · 29/01/2015 08:50

Well in all honesty, I have to say I wouldn't be too happy actually. Helping with her tax return is one thing but staying for dinner ?

It's not something that would sit comfortably with me.

JassyRadlett · 29/01/2015 08:54

Evil, can you explain why? Honestly interested.

Sallystyle · 29/01/2015 08:54

It's great that your husbands have female friends and you have male friends and you don't end up sleeping with them. I don't shag my male friend either. I have no doubt my husband can be with a female and not sleep with her either.

That still doesn't mean OP doesn't have valid concerns about her husband though.

She never said that no man can have female friends without wanting to shag them so I am not sure why others are telling her how their husbands have female friends and how much they trust them etc. Just because you have opposite sex friendships in your marriage it doesn't mean that there is no course for concern in the OPs situation.

Metalguru · 29/01/2015 08:56

You know your dh, trust your instincts, don't ask on here. If you feel they are getting too close, unless you are often paranoid about things like that, then you may be right. People often justify the emotional closeness that precedes an affair by telling themselves, it's ok, my wife/ husband knows where I am, in not bring dishonest.

MannUp · 29/01/2015 08:57

PJ do you not have any male friends or colleagues? Or do you sit at home on your own like most bigots? Comments like that make me despair. I work full time and my husband is a stay at home dad and twats like you with your backwards attitudes make both our lives difficult.

squizita · 29/01/2015 08:58

A PP has mentioned their Dp "wouldn't want" to have dinner with out them. While that's great for them it's worth mentioning most happy married couples do quite like an evening with their friends (male or female) now and again, it's not weird and doesn't mean the marriage isn't strong.

RandomNPC · 29/01/2015 09:04

PJ, that's a pretty cretinous thing to say, I think with my brain, actually.

squizita · 29/01/2015 09:05

PJ2000 You've really never heard of that? In all seriousness where do you live? My parents (and even my gran) would be ok with it and I'm no spring chicken.

I find the suggestion that a husband can't be alone with a woman without having urges and acting on them rather Hmm Hmm ...not only implying a lack of trust but that he is incapable of rising above sexy thoughts at any time.
The only person who I know who thought like this was a man. whose wife divorced him for being scarily possessive (there was no one else fwiw ... its put her off relationships big time).

ghostyslovesheep · 29/01/2015 09:07

has anyone mentioned 'cool wives' yet - my bingo card is almost full

OP it's quiet normal for people to be nice to each other x

squizita · 29/01/2015 09:08

Fluffyraggies yes exactly it's what is the norm.
Though I would suspect a cheater would just plain lie ... not say exactly where he'd be!

Hobbitwife001 · 29/01/2015 09:09

Have you met this colleague OP? Is there something in their interaction that peaks your women's intuition ?
I know from my own experience ,that sometimes you just know things are not 'right'. My husband said she was just a friend, but I knew his behaviour, we have been married 27 years, everyone said how nice she was, and how I was being paranoid.
He left for her 3 months ago. Spidey sense was right on the button.
I'm not saying that men and women can't be friends, of course they can, I have male friends myself, but some times you just 'know' it's not as innocent as it seems. I don't think you are unreasonable to be concerned, but maybe I'm just bitter and twisted. Hope you are ok.

PJ2000 · 29/01/2015 09:10

I didn't say all men wants to jump on women and shag them. I simply said men think with their cocks. You can have a nice chat with a man about the weather and he will be sizing up your breasts.

ghostyslovesheep · 29/01/2015 09:12

wow you must know some vile men

Hobbitwife001 · 29/01/2015 09:13

fluffyraggie, sometimes they hide in plain sight, it doesn't have to be hidden and furtive, maybe it's at the emotional affair stage, which is still as much a betrayal as a physical one.

hotfuzzra · 29/01/2015 09:14

PJ2000 YABVU
My DH does not think.

beachysandy75 · 29/01/2015 09:15

Well it depends, there is nothing wrong with helping someone out but if you feel a bit funny about it there is usually a reason. Do you know her? If it is work related not sure why they can't fit it in the in day sometime either. Also the whole cooking dinner thing seems quite personal. I wouldn't like it if it was one of my husband's more attractive single colleagues to be honest!!!

Why not invite her to yours and then you can cook dinner for them while they are busy with the tax return??

Apatite1 · 29/01/2015 09:17

I'm about to go on a business trip with a married man, same flight, same hotel and we will be eating a lot of meals together. Oh what heinous activities will ensue? Shall I bring my chastity belt??

MannUp · 29/01/2015 09:18

Can people stop blaming men for PJ's views? If someone is racist you wouldn't say wow you must have met some horrible black people.

Hatespiders · 29/01/2015 09:18

Before I met my dh about 40 years ago (and I was once young and quite attractive Grin) I lived alone in my last village. I had several men (husbands of my friends and workmen etc) come to the house to do various jobs and DIY, hedge-trimming etc) They were jolly good friends these chaps and I don't know what I'd have done without them. I always gave them a meal/sandwiches/glass of beer and many of them chatted away for hours. I even gave them a peck on the cheek for their kindness (aaaagh!)
If there'd been any hanky-panky people would have sussed it and I'd have got the reputation of The Village Tart.

Men are not ruled by their cocks. (At least not in my experience) My dh is laughing his head off at this minute about that remark.

And nowadays my dh helps people around this village with odd jobs (mostly widows who live alone) and I expect he gets lots of hugs and kisses. Everyone loves him and many of 'his' ladies have offered to take him off my hands if I should ever get bored with him.

But the op is a bit edgy with her dh doing the tax return. And it's because she doesn't entirely trust him. And that's because something inside her is warning her. It could be irrational, or she's picking up vibes from him. We can't possibly know which, but she should keep her eyes open and subtly find out more. Time will tell. And that's all anyone can say to advise her.

Gileswithachainsaw · 29/01/2015 09:20

I didn't say all men wants to jump on women and shag them. I simply said men think with their cocks. You can have a nice chat with a man about the weather and he will be sizing up your breasts

Wow, however do they find time to train as drs or nurses or teacher or vets with all those women around

Misfitless · 29/01/2015 09:21

I think I'd be uncomfortable with it, tbh.

If I were in the position of needing a male friend to help with my tax return, I'd suggest me going to the man's house, rather than him coming round to mine and me cooking him dinner. Maybe that's a bit cheeky, though?

Or, maybe I'd invite them both over to mine and cook, and see it as a chance to meet his DW (if she could come). Alternatively, I'd get them a bottle of wine to share as a thank, rather than cooking.

If I were me, I'd trust my DH, but would wonder if the colleague had an ulterior motive, and if she fancied my DH! I'm married, and just wouldn't invite a married man round for dinner without his wife, and I wouldn't if I were single, either. The same goes for DH.

I needed a male friend's DH to sign a few forms once, would never have occurred to me to invite him to my house, fill the forms in and cook him dinner, I went to his house, and sat having a cuppa nattering with his wife while he sorted the forms.

Having said that, it didn't take long, and I know them as a couple, but the principle is the same, I think. If I were the colleague, I would never have suggested this in the first place, especially if I didn't know his wife. And I do know that men can go around to other women's houses without shagging them, by the way!