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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friend has moved to fast

251 replies

AnotherManicMonday · 28/01/2015 16:05

I have a friend who is also my neighbour I've known her for 2 years and both have DDs that are the same age. We're both single parents but over he last year I have met my now DP.

We're quite open with each other and chat a lot and let the DDs play together. She recently started online dating because she knew it would be difficult to meet anyone in RL. I completely support her if that's what she wanted offered to babysit her DD and do nursery runs ect if she ever needed me too.

Recently she started speaking to a guy online, they've never spoke before so after a week she agreed to meet him and they did she seemed really happy after and it was great to see her so cheery with a smile on her face.she told me she wanted to see him again but would be difficult with her DD I said I'd babysit and she was happy.

2 days after there first date she decided to invite him round her house with her DD there, he stayed over and has been there for the last 5 days with her and her DD. Over the last two days I've heard him shouting and swearing at her DD and now she does the same. This morning I heard him shouting and swearing at the DDS and she was crying then 5 minutes later him telling her DD he loves her and she wouldn't say it back after my friend was prompting her she lost her temper and shouted "say I fucking love you too now"

I feel so bad for my friends little girl having this strange man come into her life when my friend doesn't really no him and to have a strange man shouting and swearing at her Sad Is there anything I can do to help her? She's a beautiful little girl and I'm worried for her

OP posts:
EstRusMum · 31/01/2015 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Vivacia · 31/01/2015 08:19

I think you were right to tell the nursery. However I really think you need to tell the NSPCC and give details. The nursery's response is not convincing, perhaps it was a year 10 work experience pupil answering the phone?

Everything we have learned in recent years, about children being systematically beaten, sexually abused and eventually murdered, is that someone had the chance to protect the child but chose not to. They presumed someone else (a doctor, the nursery etc) would.

Being honest, I would deny, deny, deny to my friend that it was me that had reported concerns.

Original poster
AnotherManicMonday · 31/01/2015 08:34

I called the nursery back and they said hat the information had been past on to the person in charge and was being dealt with appropriately but they wouldn't give me any more information

Yes I did call and I'm glad they haven't traced me!

I spoke to the HV team to but the actual HV wasn't in so spoke to someone else told them my concerns (not as a neighbour) and she was very grateful for calling tried to get my details in case they needed further info but I didn't give any, that may be selfish of me but I'm trying to protect her DD and my own.

I did pop round last night unexpected with sweets for her DD and she happily told us to come in and wanted me to meet her new DP (which was hard for me as I can't stand him already) I saw her DD and my friend seems really happy. She wants to meet up this week and have a chat when I quietly asked her if he was living there a it soon she just said there's more of a story that she'll tell me so wonder what that will be

OP posts:
bloodygorgeous · 31/01/2015 08:40

EstRusmum - I have reported your hideous post. We are all concerned, as is OP. Do you get a kick out of scything things like that?

bloodygorgeous · 31/01/2015 08:41

saying

Vivacia · 31/01/2015 08:48

I think you're going to have to balance keeping an eye on this little girl whilst not conning yourself that the odd coming-round-to-bake is any compensation for doing the difficult stuff.

Vivacia · 31/01/2015 08:49

It's not fair that you're in this position, but I'm glad that the girl has you in her life.

I dread to think what each night in that house might be entailing.

EstRusMum · 31/01/2015 09:29

Really? For saying the obvious? Everybody is saying pretty much the same, just using different words.

Anyway, now OP is saying that she has seen the girl, so it's fine for now. I hope it will stay that way and situation will be resolved soon.

ptumbi · 31/01/2015 10:56

EstRusMum - Everybody is saying pretty much the same, just using different words. - and everyone [who is] should be ashamed of themselves, you included.

If this little girl is being abused, that is NOT OPs doing. She is doing all she can, anonymously, to safeguard herself and her own daughter. Are you suggesting that she should put her own child at risk (of reprisals, of damage to property, of a permanent problem neighbour) to 'save' the NDN dd? You think she should storm in there, grab the girl, whisk her away to a 'safe house' and check her over for bruises, hold her tight to her bosom when the police and authorities come for her... ? Hmm

Your post was vile and blaming.

I repeat - OP is doing all she can, behind the scenes, and with consideration to her own situation. That is all she can do. She is doing that - and checking up. I suppose if the SS don't do anything, that will be OP fault? FFS

GokTwo · 31/01/2015 11:04

Glad you saw her op. If you do get together with her will you bring up what you heard? At least you have seen the little girl.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/01/2015 11:43

OP has done the right thing, I am glad that NSPCC is able to trace a call, when the safety of a child is at stake. Op it will be anonymous if you give your details, deny all knowledge if she asks. It is good you are keeping the lines of communication open too with her, and getting to know the situation.

bloodygorgeous · 31/01/2015 11:46

Glad your post was deleted EstRusMum - MQ obviously agreed with me that it was unacceptable despite your lame protestations. Shame on you.

Original poster
AnotherManicMonday · 31/01/2015 15:15

If and when we get together if she brings it up I will say don't you think things have moved abit quick ect.. I would like to say more but after reporting to the nursery and health visitors I don't want to say to much and then when SS come knocking I will deffo be the first person she turns too to blame

OP posts:
GokTwo · 31/01/2015 15:18

Yes, I can understand that. Thinking of you and your Dd and the other little girl.

Nokidsnoproblem · 31/01/2015 15:50

How have your friend and this man been indoors for 5 days? Don't they have jobs/ commitments?

Original poster
AnotherManicMonday · 31/01/2015 17:12

She doesn't work because of her DD and he only seems to leave her house to smoke so I don't think he works

OP posts:
EstRusMum · 31/01/2015 20:16

Not ashamedHmm
I'm gonna stick to what I said.

Tiptops · 31/01/2015 20:39

Well done OP. You've done the right thing.

Hope the relevant professionals move swiftly and investigate this imminently. Very worrying situation.

CrapBag · 31/01/2015 20:44

I would be 'interested' to know why she has basically moved a strange man in after such a short time.

Are you going to mention that you have heard raised voices or anything like that to see if she tries to come up with a bullshit story an explanation? Or not in case you think it gives her more reason to suspect you have reported her? It is a tricky situation and I don't envy you.

Original poster
AnotherManicMonday · 01/02/2015 09:54

If I hadn't reported it then I would ask the questions like don't you think this is to fast, how can you trust him round your DD ect but now I've reported it I'm not going to say a word

OP posts:
Vivacia · 01/02/2015 11:40

I think you're right. I would only voice concerns if she brought it up. I.e. if she's showing some doubt, I'd validate that doubt.

ptumbi · 01/02/2015 12:36

Est Not ashamed Hmm I'm gonna stick to what I said.

Ok then (regardless of the fact the MNHQ agreed it was a disgusting post...I'll explain.

OP came on, Knowing that things weren't right next-door, and asking for advice as to what to do, that didn't involve her, affect her daughter, that could be done anonymously. [some] Posters immediately started shrieking ' go to police/ss/hv' and that she should sit in the SS office, give her name/address etc, make sure something was done; regardless of any risks to herself, her own daughter, her property (fuck the car? Fuck the windows? And by extension 'fuck your own life/your dds life'?? Just do something!?? 'Oh I would, of course I would....Hmm)

Most Posters at this point, faced with the possible/probable total ruin of their own life and property, would sit down, shut up and hope it goes away - because there is nothing she can do (according to some on here, including you) to help that will not put her own dd at risk.

Given the choice of safeguarding her own daughter, or her next-doors neighbours child, most people would look after their own. Me included.

Unless there is a way to do it anonymously. Which is what people should have advised. Not start screaming about 'blood on your hands' or 'how would you feel if...' and 'if that child is murdered, how would you ...'

Vivacia · 01/02/2015 12:44

(I am very sympathetic towards the OP and the awful responsibility she finds herself carrying, but I've not understood how protecting this girl comes with risk to her own daughter).

Parsley1234 · 01/02/2015 13:27

Well done manic you've handled this awful situation in a measured way of course you have to safeguard yourself and child and property. Here's hoping your friend comes to her senses you've done a really brave thing. For all those posters stating what they Wd do as in wade in disregard their own safety you have probably never lived in a similar situation to the op who seems to understand the likelihood of escalating situations better than anyone else can.

ptumbi · 01/02/2015 13:36

Viv - because if OP goes to SS, and gives her name and address and concerns and this information gets back to NDN, dont you think that a case of 'shoot the messenger' could arise? Becuase I think that's exactly what would happen. The OP is concerned that NDN would take it out on her, her property, her dd - or even if she doesnt, the friendship would be wrecked if she finds out who 'told' on her.

I would also rather give any concerns anonymously; I wouldn't want to be watching for a brick through the window, by someone who thinks that 'squealing', 'dobbing', 'grassing' or going to any authorities is punishable, even to safeguard a child. It does happen. OP doesn't know what this bloke (or his friends) is capable of.

Much better for OP and her dd if she can give her concerns with out being named (as some posters seem to think will happen; I don't actually know what happens, I 've never been in the situation but I know I wouldn;t get involved if it could come back on my dc) and that is what she was asking for advice on.