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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friend has moved to fast

251 replies

AnotherManicMonday · 28/01/2015 16:05

I have a friend who is also my neighbour I've known her for 2 years and both have DDs that are the same age. We're both single parents but over he last year I have met my now DP.

We're quite open with each other and chat a lot and let the DDs play together. She recently started online dating because she knew it would be difficult to meet anyone in RL. I completely support her if that's what she wanted offered to babysit her DD and do nursery runs ect if she ever needed me too.

Recently she started speaking to a guy online, they've never spoke before so after a week she agreed to meet him and they did she seemed really happy after and it was great to see her so cheery with a smile on her face.she told me she wanted to see him again but would be difficult with her DD I said I'd babysit and she was happy.

2 days after there first date she decided to invite him round her house with her DD there, he stayed over and has been there for the last 5 days with her and her DD. Over the last two days I've heard him shouting and swearing at her DD and now she does the same. This morning I heard him shouting and swearing at the DDS and she was crying then 5 minutes later him telling her DD he loves her and she wouldn't say it back after my friend was prompting her she lost her temper and shouted "say I fucking love you too now"

I feel so bad for my friends little girl having this strange man come into her life when my friend doesn't really no him and to have a strange man shouting and swearing at her Sad Is there anything I can do to help her? She's a beautiful little girl and I'm worried for her

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 30/01/2015 09:51

Don't be worried. Whatever happens to her child is going to beat the possible alternative - and there should be no impact on your own DD.

Original poster
AnotherManicMonday · 30/01/2015 09:56

I was going to ask her if she wanted to do something today but I'm not sure if I should or wait and ask over the weekend I don't want to look to obvious

OP posts:
ThePrincessBride · 30/01/2015 09:59

Another I don't know exactly what will happen now. But as far as your are concerned you know nothing about any of it. Try to keep everything as normal between you and your friend as you can. Please don't worry to much (easy for me to say). Do you think she would come over and tell you after SS visit her?

ptumbi · 30/01/2015 10:12

Manicmonday - I second keeping stuff as normal as poss. Text her to come round or send her dd round to play. Suggest a glass of wine and a DVD tonight if it's something you 'do'.

Play normal. And as if you know nothing.

have you seen her dd today?

DancingDinosaur · 30/01/2015 10:24

Well done op.

Original poster
AnotherManicMonday · 30/01/2015 10:37

It's really horrible weather here today so I'm going to pop out while DD is at nursery and I'll ask if she needs anything but if not I'll leave it until the weekend just to be more normal

When she hears from them if she genuinely thinks she's done nothing I'll hear from her to rant and rave (or accuse me) but if she's worried then I'll never no because she won't say a word

I will deny all knowledge of ever doing or saying anything and as horrible as this may sound I'll play the card of how could you ever think I would do that to you blah blah blah if she suspects me she would just cut me off anyway which wouldn't be good for her DD

I haven't seen any of them today but I no there all home

OP posts:
OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 30/01/2015 11:01

Are you very close, OP? Is there any chance of talking to her about it?

She's obviously lost perspective (in a big fucking way), perhaps there's a chance that a friendly word on how this may be effecting her daughter will bring her back down to earth.

ThePrincessBride · 30/01/2015 11:09

That's a good idea. You can see how everything is over there and maybe put your own mind at rest. I would probably front it out as well. You did the right thing, that's all that matters. You are doing all you can. Have a good day and keep us posted x

Zucker · 30/01/2015 11:21

Deny deny deny do what ever you need to do to keep "in" with her. You've done a great thing in letting people know what's going on.

MimiSunshine · 30/01/2015 11:43

Well done OP, Small steps to ensure the little girls safety. Keep following up on the calls your making and try to stay close to the little girl if you can.

Some other posters should be ashamed of themselves. Some posts on this thread were abusive and a massive over reaction. Easy to be a keyboard warrior isn't it?

bloodygorgeous · 30/01/2015 11:49

I'm sorry you've been given a hard time on here.

Of course posters were right to urge you to report, but some of the comments have been beyond the pale and downright nasty towards you.

In real life everyone on here having a go at you would be worried about getting involved and the possible reprecussions - that's all you've done, expressed those concerns.

You have done the right thing - well done Thanks

bloodygorgeous · 30/01/2015 11:50

Crossed posted Mimi - absolutely re keyboard warriers. Arseholes.

ptumbi · 30/01/2015 13:29

definitely deny all knowledge, Op. You need to safeguard yourself and your child. Don't listen to anyone that says you should confront, 'come clean' or whatever Angry

I hope the SS/child protection move fast, bearing in mind it is friday.

hobnobsaremyfriends · 30/01/2015 14:40

I have been following this thread and its been very shocking. You were brave to report and wise in the way you did it, of course you have to think about the repercussions for yourself and your DD especially.

Please ignore the rude comments Flowers

CrapBag · 30/01/2015 14:53

Well done OP. I hope this gets sorted soon. I agree that the girl not being allowed to yours or to nursery is such a high red flag.

GokTwo · 30/01/2015 19:07

Well done op, I have been thinking about this all day at work and am so very glad you were brave and took action.

slightlyworriednc · 30/01/2015 22:33

Well done. It can't have been easy.

NiceCupOfTeaAndALittleSitDown · 30/01/2015 23:17

I'm sorry you've been given such a hard time on here Manic but well done for calling the nursery. From a safeguarding point of view they have to follow this through, they will have links with the local council safeguarding team and her poor DD will be monitored. It's not easy getting involved as you do have your and your DD safety to think of and that's quite scary. Please keep us updated.

And make notes of everything you hear and when. Follow up the nursery Monday to find out what they have done. Keep strong.

Iflyaway · 30/01/2015 23:21

What a disturbing thread.

Please phone 999 if you hear of anything untoward over the weekend.

The earlier suggestion of contacting the local domestic abuse unit at the police station for help is a good one I think.

LucyBabs · 30/01/2015 23:38

Any news another ?
Hope you are OK too x

Livvylongpants · 30/01/2015 23:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

misssmilla1 · 31/01/2015 00:21

another you did the right thing, both for your friend and her kid. It might get difficult but you are safeguarding her before a situation can get any worse It can be a massive red flag when this type of situation occurs; I might get flamed for saying why this is, and I appreciate there are times when this situation does not apply,so bear with me.

It's a flag when guys (could also apply to women but I'm not as aware of it) become suddenly v involved with single mums with kids- by v involved I mean this one date suddenly becomes almost moving in within a v short space of time, and it's single mums, as they can be seen to be very vulnerable, as per your point about meeting someone decent in RL.

It's often linked to the guy needing somewhere to live at short notice (due to drugs, violence or being kicked out of where they are for some reason) needing money and them thinking the mum has access to benefits etc, or, worst case, it can be do to wanting to groom kids.

One of my family's exes worked in adult probation and half way houses and this was a shit load more common than you'd hope.

If you have kids and you're single, any new partner worth their salt will wait until it's a good time to be introduced to them, and (ime) would be on their best behavior with them whilst they got to know them. There's something fishy about this guy's behavior, and you did the right thing.

andsmile · 31/01/2015 07:13

Well done OP

Cud think about it this way too...if her family are protective n likely to get all threatening would they not be that way towards this guy when they see him as moving in on there sister?

sockmatcher · 31/01/2015 07:30

To many people expect others to do the reporting.

You need to do it yourself. Not the health visitor . Not the nursery.

Too many serious case reviews highlight how other agencies have concerns.

Look up your local councils children services and find out the number to report a concern.

LadyLupin · 31/01/2015 07:44

Did you really call the NSPCC? I ask because I have called them for advice on a similar situation. I didn't want to give identifying details and they wanted to do a safe guarding check. I said I would call them back.

But, an hour later I had 2 police men at my door. The NSPCC traced
My address through my phone number. I had to give the address of the person I had called about to the police and they went round.

The NSPCC does this if they think a child is in danger. If you had told them what you have said here then they would've followed it up regardless of whether or not you have them the details of the person you are calling about. I didn't realise and thought it was anonymous. It's not.

Sometimes you have to stand up and be counted. You need to make that call to SS, the police and whomever else you can think of. It's ok telling the nursery, but you're passing the responsibility on and you really need to do it yourself too. It is cowardly to sit back and dither about what to do, who knows what is happening to that little girl whilst you are faffing about on here.