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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friend has moved to fast

251 replies

AnotherManicMonday · 28/01/2015 16:05

I have a friend who is also my neighbour I've known her for 2 years and both have DDs that are the same age. We're both single parents but over he last year I have met my now DP.

We're quite open with each other and chat a lot and let the DDs play together. She recently started online dating because she knew it would be difficult to meet anyone in RL. I completely support her if that's what she wanted offered to babysit her DD and do nursery runs ect if she ever needed me too.

Recently she started speaking to a guy online, they've never spoke before so after a week she agreed to meet him and they did she seemed really happy after and it was great to see her so cheery with a smile on her face.she told me she wanted to see him again but would be difficult with her DD I said I'd babysit and she was happy.

2 days after there first date she decided to invite him round her house with her DD there, he stayed over and has been there for the last 5 days with her and her DD. Over the last two days I've heard him shouting and swearing at her DD and now she does the same. This morning I heard him shouting and swearing at the DDS and she was crying then 5 minutes later him telling her DD he loves her and she wouldn't say it back after my friend was prompting her she lost her temper and shouted "say I fucking love you too now"

I feel so bad for my friends little girl having this strange man come into her life when my friend doesn't really no him and to have a strange man shouting and swearing at her Sad Is there anything I can do to help her? She's a beautiful little girl and I'm worried for her

OP posts:
herintheredskirt · 30/01/2015 07:03

OP I think you are being sensible thinking carefully about the situation. Of course you want to help the neighbour's dd but you have a responsibility also for not placing your own kids in danger. I'm sure you will make the best decision possible.

FarFromAnyRoad · 30/01/2015 08:12

Is there not only one possible decision here her? There's not even a choice that I can see. If OP is in that much danger she could record her fears with the Police and seek advice - and since her fears are a matter of public record here I think she'd be properly advised/safeguarded.
I also wondered about MNHQ being able to do anything but I suppose they'd have to be 100% sure of the veracity of the situation.

muminhants · 30/01/2015 08:15

I've suggested that you contact the nursery with your concerns. That way, they then do the reporting and nobody will know that it was you who alerted them. Tell them you are nervous about contacting social services yourself in case the boyfriend works out that it was you. They have protocols to follow and should escalate it.

They may have their own concerns already, you don't know.

And in the meantime, keep the lines of communication open with your friend.

But do something TODAY. Otherwise it will be the weekend and two more days go by with nothing happening.

ptumbi · 30/01/2015 08:31

Wow this thread is horrible. Not only because of the poor child being abused, but the poor OP!

She comes on to ask for real advice. Some have given her ideas of what to do - and she has or is going to do some of it. BUT for some Posters to come on and say 'if that child gets murdered it'll be on your conscience'?? WTAF??

Thread started Wed pm - it's only friday morning now! She HAS phoned SS for advice. She is going to phone HV and nursery - and it is He car, Her windows, Her dd who will bear the brunt if there is the slightest hint or suspicion from her friend that it was OP who started this. DON'T sit behiond your keyboards saying 'fuck the car! Fuck the windows!' - OP has to live there! Her DD has to live there! Even if the SS swoop down today, right now - things will not go back to lovely happy normal!

BACK OFF so the OP can come back and explain what is happening

ptumbi · 30/01/2015 08:34

And MNHQ will not track down her IP address ffs. Every so often someone comes on a thread to suggest that - MN is not one of the emergency services! Hmm

Original poster
AnotherManicMonday · 30/01/2015 08:45

Thank you pitimbi I came on here asking for advice and the best way to handle this for everyone involved. If I wanted to do nothing I wouldn't of posted. I don't deserve to be flamed and stacked like I have been. And people can't just say fuck your car fuck your windows I have a DD to think about too.

I've spoken to the nursery this morning when I knew the staff were there saying my Child goes to this nursery (she doesn't) and I no the mum outside of nursery and I'm concerned she's now an abusive relationship and the that her and DD are at high physical risk but I wanted it to be an anonymous. The women seemed quite stunned and not to sure what to say to me but she said she has noted it down and will pass along and most likely they would pass the information onto SS just to be safe

Doi haven't done anything I'm not sitting back and waiting for someone to be mustered. If I hear anything then I will cal 999 and report it as a passer by
The

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 30/01/2015 08:48

I've worked with schools,I've worked with safe guarding children and I've worked with SS and the Police.

Please contact the little girls Nursery now!The fact that the little girl hasn't been to Nursery and wasn't allowed to come out with you(when you'd stated that there was no way the mother wouldn't take you up on the offer)is a serious Red Flag!

Something awful could have already happened or be happening at this very moment to that poor little child!

You don't have to give your name to report to SS or the Nursery.But I promise you if you don't report it and the worst happens you will never forgive yourself.

Just think if it was your little girl that was being put in harm by someone else that you trusted around her,wouldn't you want someone to get her help?

ohtheholidays · 30/01/2015 08:50

Well done Op,that's such a relief.Please follow up with the Nursery later on,even just a phone call would be fine.Ask to speak to someone senior they'll know what to do.

Original poster
AnotherManicMonday · 30/01/2015 08:51

Ontheholidays I have already reported it to the nursery

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherManicMonday · 30/01/2015 08:51

I will still contact the HV team as well and let them no too

OP posts:
ptumbi · 30/01/2015 08:57

Well done manicmonday. The more people who know,the better. And the more blurry the lines of communication - and you want them blurry!

have you seen the mum or dd out at all?

Seriouslyffs · 30/01/2015 09:02

Well done Manic
Flowers

ThePrincessBride · 30/01/2015 09:03

Morning OP,

If you are a genuine poster then my sincere apologies for thinking otherwise. So many upsetting threads lately have indeed been fake.

I see up thread you have also reported your post. No one is meaning to flame you or upset you.

It is a very difficult post to read then have to sit knowing this information and not be able to do anything about it.
What are you going to do? People just want to help you, help this little girl.

What can we do to help you?

Bakeoffcakes · 30/01/2015 09:11

That's brilliant you have phoned the nursery manic. Phone HV too and let them take things from there.x

ThePrincessBride · 30/01/2015 09:11

Just saw the update on the post. Are you ok? Flowers to say well done and sorry (again)

cozietoesie · 30/01/2015 09:27

Well done, OP - and don't concern yourself overmuch about possible trouble to your own family. I live in a pretty mixed area with some fairly......forthright......families and while there's a general culture of 'keeping your trap shut' about things, concerns about possible danger to kiddies is more or less exempt from that. You'll be fine.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/01/2015 09:30

Well done, follow it up with the nursery. Yes call the health visiting team, they will probably act in it and try to visit.

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 30/01/2015 09:30

Well done for speaking to the nursery. A follow up call from a private number would be good, to check they took you seriously.

Have you heard from your friend?

Aeroflotgirl · 30/01/2015 09:30

Exactly, if you report to NSPCC or SS, it will be anomymous.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 30/01/2015 09:36

Well done, and no, of course you don't deserve to get flamed Flowers. People get a bit carried away when they imagine terrible things happening to a child and they panic, taking it out on the only person they can (the OP).

bringmejoy2015 · 30/01/2015 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
AnotherManicMonday · 30/01/2015 09:48

I will call the nursery back this afternoon after closing and check they've logged my calls and make sure there following up and what the next steps are, now I'm home from the nursery run I'll call the HV team soon and talk to them

I'm worried that now I've started the ball rolling what will happen and when and both for her little girl and my own

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 30/01/2015 09:49

Another you have no choice but to act and start the ball rolling. You cannot know what you know and do nothing.

ThePrincessBride · 30/01/2015 09:49

My friend works in a nursery and if she was given info like the OP gave she would have to report it immediately.

OP that was very brave to report it so many people just look the other way.

Aherdofmims · 30/01/2015 09:50

Well done for speaking to nurvery op. Please follow up. Such massive red flags.

If nursery don't act please consider reporting to ss yourself.