Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friend has moved to fast

251 replies

AnotherManicMonday · 28/01/2015 16:05

I have a friend who is also my neighbour I've known her for 2 years and both have DDs that are the same age. We're both single parents but over he last year I have met my now DP.

We're quite open with each other and chat a lot and let the DDs play together. She recently started online dating because she knew it would be difficult to meet anyone in RL. I completely support her if that's what she wanted offered to babysit her DD and do nursery runs ect if she ever needed me too.

Recently she started speaking to a guy online, they've never spoke before so after a week she agreed to meet him and they did she seemed really happy after and it was great to see her so cheery with a smile on her face.she told me she wanted to see him again but would be difficult with her DD I said I'd babysit and she was happy.

2 days after there first date she decided to invite him round her house with her DD there, he stayed over and has been there for the last 5 days with her and her DD. Over the last two days I've heard him shouting and swearing at her DD and now she does the same. This morning I heard him shouting and swearing at the DDS and she was crying then 5 minutes later him telling her DD he loves her and she wouldn't say it back after my friend was prompting her she lost her temper and shouted "say I fucking love you too now"

I feel so bad for my friends little girl having this strange man come into her life when my friend doesn't really no him and to have a strange man shouting and swearing at her Sad Is there anything I can do to help her? She's a beautiful little girl and I'm worried for her

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 29/01/2015 14:49

What a sad situation, this situation could lead to further abuse, mabey physical. I would call NSPCC to ask them for advice. If you loose her as a friend over it, so be it! You have to think of the child first!

CrapBag · 29/01/2015 14:52

What did you honestly expect them to say? "No it all sounds fine so be on your way"? Of course they will want more details because it's not a good situation and it does warrant further investigation. You need to give them the details otherwise you are allowing a potentially abusive situation to continue.

DialsMavis · 29/01/2015 15:01

This in unbelievably strange and chilling.
Please don't be complicit in the situation.

Booboostoo · 29/01/2015 15:24

Please take some effective action OP, this thread is chilling. Call SS or the police or the NSPCC with details so they can act immediately.

Hissy · 29/01/2015 15:25

a child is being actively harmed here and you called anonymously? seriously?

Get your arse in gear and call them and report it!

Nancy66 · 29/01/2015 15:40

Totally understand the difficult position you are in but there's a child at risk here.

Some guys online deliberately prey on single parents. Maybe he's one of them.

bloodygorgeous · 29/01/2015 15:55

Ok everyone, be fair. Op has made the call to find out what will happen then take the next step hopefully. Give her a chance. It's a very hard thing to do, knowing your neighbour and an aggressive man will guess it is you who called SS. Of course it's the right thing to do.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/01/2015 16:05

If you ask your neighbour she might get aggressive or defensive. You do need to provide tge NSPCC with the information you know.

ScarletButterfly · 29/01/2015 16:33

You're in a really difficult situation. But that little girl is in a much worse situation, and you have the means to help protect her where she can't protect herself. Unfortunately it is your responsibility, as nobody else is going to do it. You need to report your concerns to a professional. Ideally social services, but the NSPCC, or the girls school would be just as effective to get the ball rolling. You don't need to do it anonymously, as your name and other details should be kept confidential anyway. They ask for your contact details so that they can get further information from you if it's required, not to plaster it around that you made the referral.

I understand why your nervous and unsure. But if you don't make the call and something more than shouting/swearing happens, you will have that on your conscience. If they do figure out it was you, so what? They get arsey. Any threats or bad behaviour is reported straight to the police, who are there to protect you. And it would be sent back to SS, so highly unlikely to happen as they won't want anything against them in that department.

Please make the call.

muminhants · 29/01/2015 18:05

Please do something OP - kids are far more likely to be abused by mum's boyfriends/new partners than anyone else. Even if you just call the girl's school/nursery, tell them what you've heard and ask them to take it forward with SS.

whatsinanamearose · 29/01/2015 18:22

Fwiw I absolutely wish someone had called ss when I was younger. I met one of our old neighbours at secondary school and she told me how her mum would always say that what was going on in my parents' house wasn't right.
She could have called, maybe I wouldn't have suffered as I did, maybe I wouldn't have been pregnant by my step father at 13.
Don't get me wrong, I don't blame her, it wasn't her fault. And I wouldn't change my ds for the world, but since I know what it means to be at the receiving end, I wouldn't have any quibbles about going full steam ahead with ss asap!

Original poster
AnotherManicMonday · 29/01/2015 19:07

Sorry I haven't been back sooner.

My friend said she was too busy to let me take her DD out today when I asked and I no her DD didn't go to nursery either which makes me wonder why as she's normally very on the ball making sure she doesn't miss any time

I no I have to do something to protect this little girl but I need to protect my own DD too. I no some of you will flame me but we have to live here and while I'm not worried about myself in worries about how this could effect my DD but I no I have to do something.

I've been speaking to a friend of mine who has some knowledge of situations like this and she agree so need to do something but understands my view on my own DD. I'm thinking that maybe speaking to the nursery and seeing if they notice anything anonymously tipping them off or something then if nothing happens in a few days taking it further again by reporting to NSPCC eat..

I'm going to be in over the weekend so I'm thinking if I hear any shouting eft I'll call 999 and say I was walking past the house walking my dog and heard shouting and crying inside and think there could be a violent situation but this way it completely puts me out of the frame? and

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 29/01/2015 19:11

It's very worrying if she is not taking her to nursery, when shehave done before, she won't let you take her dd, I think she is hiding something, you really really need to act.

Original poster
AnotherManicMonday · 29/01/2015 19:15

I am going to message her tomorrow saying we're painting and baking so does her and Her DD wanna come round and I have a big chocolate cake for adults only and I need help eating it and if she refuses that then I no 100% something is seriously off

OP posts:
mrscumberbatch · 29/01/2015 19:16

Stop thinking about yourself.

Phone SS. Get them involved. If you were really a friend and cared about your friend and her child's well being then you would do this.

Lioninthesun · 29/01/2015 19:19

Having just read the thread from the start it does seem to be escalating.
I am worried.
I'd do as you suggest in your last post and say you were walking past with your dog and heard XYZ if you do hear something over the weekend.
I also think talking to the nursery might be a good idea - if you can just say you are aware there is a new man on the scene with them and that you have heard a couple of exchanges. I'd try to keep it light but mention those two basics, let them do the rest if it needs to be done.

cozietoesie · 29/01/2015 19:22

Another

I think you know already that things are wrong.

Phone now.

Fabulous46 · 29/01/2015 19:24

If you're too scared to report this yourself then speak to the nursery. They'll report it. I have no bloody time for people who don't report suspected abuse of a child. Children are defenceless FFS! STOP making lame excuses to report this and DO something about it. I wonder how you'd feel if one of these children was found dead?

Aeroflotgirl · 29/01/2015 19:24

Why not contact the health visiting team with your concerns

theeternalstudent · 29/01/2015 19:25

OP, you are in a really difficult situation and I understand why you are worried about doing something. I agree with talking to nursery and to trying to see the girl tomorrow. Absolutely call 999 if you think the child is in immediate danger.

Keep listening, keep an eye on her and keep being a friend. It's so easy from the outside looking in saying do this and do that but reality is so much harder. You are a great friend and a great support to this little girlFlowers

Lioninthesun · 29/01/2015 19:27

OP are you worried about what might happen if social services get involved?

cozietoesie · 29/01/2015 19:30

Can you get your DP round to give you some support/be a presence in your house while this is going on?

MiscellaneousAssortment · 29/01/2015 19:37

Talking to the nursery is a good idea, though her being kept off is worrying as the nursery won't see any evidence of physical abuse if she's off...

A good step in the right direction though.

Ems1812 · 29/01/2015 19:42

It is actually infuriating that you aren't calling SS- this poor little girl is continuing to be in an unsuitable & probably very scary situation & you need to do more. I honestly can't understand why you aren't acting faster on this, you are basically expecting her to put up with whatever her mum & this man are putting her through whilst you mull things over.

As so many posters have previously said, please phone SS now.

Junebugjr · 29/01/2015 19:56

How would you feel if this child was beaten, raped or killed OP.
And you could have been the only person who could have stopped that.
This is an unknown male who has straight away started establishing his control and dominance over your friend and her DD. As its escalating very quickly, this is a serious danger for the DD. Usually the 'grooming' takes longer than this. I would not be surprised if the man in question has previous with domestic violence and child protection issues.
If you want to take another route, call the local DAU (domestic abuse unit) attached to the local police And invoke Claire's law (with his name and any other info you have on him), you can then inform them he's moved onto your friend and they can inform her, (assuming he's had previous). I've only done this as a professional btw.
You have to do something here OP, there's no excuses for not doing so.
I do understand - I've reported my own cousin for child abuse issues and lost family relationships because of it. But there is no excuse good enough for ignoring child abuse. Do not depend on nursery to pick things up, as it's usually quite a while down the line before things are picked up, and contrary to other posters I wouldnt call NSPCC either. Phone SS or the police with the information.