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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friend has moved to fast

251 replies

AnotherManicMonday · 28/01/2015 16:05

I have a friend who is also my neighbour I've known her for 2 years and both have DDs that are the same age. We're both single parents but over he last year I have met my now DP.

We're quite open with each other and chat a lot and let the DDs play together. She recently started online dating because she knew it would be difficult to meet anyone in RL. I completely support her if that's what she wanted offered to babysit her DD and do nursery runs ect if she ever needed me too.

Recently she started speaking to a guy online, they've never spoke before so after a week she agreed to meet him and they did she seemed really happy after and it was great to see her so cheery with a smile on her face.she told me she wanted to see him again but would be difficult with her DD I said I'd babysit and she was happy.

2 days after there first date she decided to invite him round her house with her DD there, he stayed over and has been there for the last 5 days with her and her DD. Over the last two days I've heard him shouting and swearing at her DD and now she does the same. This morning I heard him shouting and swearing at the DDS and she was crying then 5 minutes later him telling her DD he loves her and she wouldn't say it back after my friend was prompting her she lost her temper and shouted "say I fucking love you too now"

I feel so bad for my friends little girl having this strange man come into her life when my friend doesn't really no him and to have a strange man shouting and swearing at her Sad Is there anything I can do to help her? She's a beautiful little girl and I'm worried for her

OP posts:
XiCi · 28/01/2015 18:06

Can you invite her round for a glass of wine or something and talk to her, say that you're really worried about her and her dd after what you've heard? If she's a good friend that would be my first port of call before calling SS

Back2Two · 28/01/2015 18:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

WrappedInABlankie · 28/01/2015 18:18

Op can you write down what you hear in future and times - male/female voice

Just incase?

FightOrFlight · 28/01/2015 18:23

I get the feeling that she is afraid of him hence telling her DD to say she loves him, possibly to avoid further aggression.

The loud music could be to cover any noises they are making if he is being physically abusive to the mother or daughter.

Have you seen her face to face since he moved in? If not then he might be restricting her freedom, especially if she has bruises or other signs of injury.

I would report to SS anonymously ASAP.

Original poster
AnotherManicMonday · 28/01/2015 18:54

Her DD is very comfortable with me and always happy to play with me so if she is off then I no something would defiantly be wrong. If she refuses then I no that would mean there's something wrong too because she doesn't have a lot of family support she would never refuse me having her DD for a few hours and defiantly not to take her out for a treat like that. I think I could ask a few questions in the right way and her DD would tell me without raising suspicions too.

I haven't seen her in a few days but she has been taking her DD to nursery so if there were any bruises then surely they would see them?

OP posts:
GokTwo · 28/01/2015 19:02

Quite frankly thank goodness you are there to hear this and intervene. I hope you are able to get some help for this little girl soon. How shocking that your friend has allowed this to happen.

SergeantJarhead · 28/01/2015 19:15

Is it too late to ask your friend if her DD would like an impromptu sleepover? A late cheeky pizza? Anything, just do something now please.

SergeantJarhead · 28/01/2015 19:16

Sorry, posted too soon, my point is can you get that poor child out of that house tonight?

Finola1step · 28/01/2015 19:27

Don't wait for nursery to notice bruises. By all means spend time with the little girl but don't ask questions that could be seen as "leading" or putting grown up words in her mouth.

Call the NSPCC or SS tonight as you said you would. You have already made that decision, now follow it through.

Original poster
AnotherManicMonday · 28/01/2015 19:49

No I can't see her tonight and I doubt her mum would let her with having nursery tomorrow but I will message her tomorrow asking if she can come out with us for a few hours.

If I did ask questions then I would make sure to be very basic and no way would I want to put anything in her mouth.

My DDs just settling so will call them soon just for some anonymous advice

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 28/01/2015 20:29

Good luck with the call OP.

natureplantar101 · 29/01/2015 02:36

She's obviously one of those desperate women who let men walk all over them and he has brainwashed her into hating her DD like this Angry call SS right away he is a total stranger of the Internet he could be a child abuser or a potential murder get her out of that house asap Sad her mother needs a good slapping.

HellKitty · 29/01/2015 04:01

Did you call?

my2centsis · 29/01/2015 07:58

Op?

FightOrFlight · 29/01/2015 09:35

She's obviously one of those desperate women who let men walk all over them and he has brainwashed her into hating her DD like this

That's a very sweeping statement/judgement.

I haven't see the OP say that the woman is/was desperate or lets men walk over her. I also haven't seen the OP say that this woman 'hates' her own daughter.

She hasn't said that she's a bedhopper who has a new man in her life every week. In fact she said "She is a quite nice person, doesn't have much of a social life so I understand why she wanted to start dating again". That doesn't sound like some desperate old slapper, it sounds like the average single parent who finds it hard to get out socially and meet people face-to-face.

My gut feeling is that she is possibly being manipulated/pressured by this man rather than being a willing participant. I could well be wrong but there is very little information to go on when all is said and done.

Original poster
AnotherManicMonday · 29/01/2015 10:35

I spoke to them anonymously and they did try and press for some details. They said that they would like to do some safe guarding checks on her and her new partner even though I said I'm sure she's never had any social service involvement in the past they wanted to check and to possibly get in touch with the girls nursery and see if they have any concerns too

I do think a lot of it is loneliness, she's only had one other partner in the whole time I've known her and that only lasted a few weeks and she had him meet her DD and stay over a few times but she had known him for years so new he wasn't a risk to her DD but still not a situation I think she should of put her DD in but that's my opinion

OP posts:
Balletballyflats · 29/01/2015 12:27

Well done! Are they going to visit her?

Original poster
AnotherManicMonday · 29/01/2015 12:42

If I give her details and address then they will do back ground checks then possibly visit

OP posts:
Balletballyflats · 29/01/2015 13:01

I'm not clear then - did you give your friend's address/details etc?

Balletballyflats · 29/01/2015 13:02

Or did you just have a chat?

Balletballyflats · 29/01/2015 13:21

OP sorry to press you in such a worrying situation but do SS have the information they need to look into this? Because if they don't, that wee child is just as at risk as she was.Angry
What's going to happen now?

Original poster
AnotherManicMonday · 29/01/2015 13:39

I phoned for advice and didn't give any details they told me what the next steps would be

OP posts:
Balletballyflats · 29/01/2015 13:53

But they wanted to do safeguard checks and speak to nursery but you're not allowing that to happen! So in what way are you further on than you were when you first posted???

fassbendersmistress · 29/01/2015 14:29

What do you plan to do with the advice they gave you OP? You must put this little girl first instead of your friendship/your friends 'needs'. Please don't let this little girl become an abuse statistic.

coffeeandcalpol · 29/01/2015 14:42

Alarm bells ringing everywhere with this! What kind of man gets angry and demands a child he's known a week says "I love you" back (and says it to her) and the poor child basically has to sleep in the same bed as a stranger, even if her mother is there!
Her mother is not protecting her from a scary and stressful situation, but you can, call SS, poor child!

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