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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not leave my husband because I want to be a stay at home mum?

133 replies

Girl33 · 28/01/2015 09:57

I am not happy. I have posted before about his behaviour and the general consensus was that he is emotionally abusive. He withholds affection and belittles me. Makes out that I am stupid. Makes fun of me when I change my hair.
Last night we had friends over and he was making fun of me over a time 3 years ago when I accidentally called a cup a mug. I snapped and told him I obviously wasn't that stupid as I am studying at uni and he has no qualifications. I apologised but he is punishing me again with silence and dirty looks. He has just shouted at me because I asked him to come with me for our sons immunisations as I'm nervous.

The point of this is I can't bear to split up because I'm scared. I don't want to have to leave my son to go to work or share custody, it would break my heart. I can feel my self esteem and my tolerance of him going down and down and I don't know what to do.

Am I being unreasonable to stay in this marriage for my son?

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 28/01/2015 09:59

Yes you are, sorry.
If you stay it will affect your son and he will grow up thinking that this is how normal relationships are and he will also pick up on the tension and atmosphere in the house.
Being a sahm is great f it's possible but it's not worth you being unhappy and tip toeing around your nasty husband.

LaurieFairyCake · 28/01/2015 10:00

Yes you are because it's not good for your son to see this.

This type of horrible relationship is terrible for children to see and quite frankly YOU deserve more, you sound great.

And you're married to a dick.

WorraLiberty · 28/01/2015 10:01

Yes, YABU I'm afraid.

It might help to focus on the bad influence he is on your son.

Do you really want him to grow up thinking that relationships are all about disrespect?

Splitting up can be scary but it will work out in the end and I'm sure you'll be very glad you did it, for your son's sake.

HighwayDragon · 28/01/2015 10:02

In short yes, your son will know it's an unhappy home, your son will learn mummy is stupid, your son will learn that daddy is volatile, your son will be affected by your relationship.

ghostyslovesheep · 28/01/2015 10:03

Yes you are - sorry

Also how are you at university but a sahm?

Thurlow · 28/01/2015 10:04

Yes, you are, and the fact that you are asking means you know it.

It must be absolutely terrifying contemplating leaving and having shared custody. My huge sympathies to you.

But if you stay your son will learn that this is how a marriage works. And in thirty years time his wife will be in the exact same boat that you are.

Original poster
Girl33 · 28/01/2015 10:04

Studying part-time, lectures once a fortnight and I do my home study in the evening.

OP posts:
Original poster
Girl33 · 28/01/2015 10:05

Thanks for quick responses I am feeling so down today :(

OP posts:
MrsTawdry · 28/01/2015 10:05

YABU. Your son will learn only to live within an abusive situation and he...as an adult...will become either an abuser or the victim of an abuser.

Is that what you want for him?

SurlyCue · 28/01/2015 10:06

Am I being unreasonable to stay in this marriage for my son?

You arent staying for your son though. You're staying for you- "I don't want to have to leave my son to go to work or share custody, it would break my heart."

Stay if you want, it is scary making that decision to leave, but dont kid yourself you are doing it for your son. You are doing it because the alternative is uncomfortable for you.

Mrsjayy · 28/01/2015 10:06

Your son will grow up hearing his dad taking the piss being nasty and then sulking do you want your son in that sort of environment I really feel for you it isn't easy as just getting up and leaving ,

Nolim · 28/01/2015 10:10

Be a good mum and role model and stand up gor yourself.

What is the difference between a mug and a cup? I honestly dont know!

BarbarianMum · 28/01/2015 10:12

If you want to stay and let this creep make you miserable, then stay. But don't dare to say you are staying 'for your son'. Being caught between two tense and unhappy adults is a miserable existence for a child (and don't kid yourself he won't notice either) and it will be bad enough for him growing up, without feeling responsible, or guilty that he's not grateful for the sacrifice you've made for him.

So yes, you are being unreasonable. However hard leaving is, it will be much harder to stay long term.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 28/01/2015 10:15

Your description sounds just like the marriage my mum tolerated. She believed she was doing it for he children's sake. The guilt I felt as a child was horrendous. I knew from around age 7 and it ruined my childhood

DontWorrryBaldrickHasACunningP · 28/01/2015 10:18

YABU. Leaving is scary but this environment is damaging for your son.

Check entitled to, see what benefits you can claim, you will get help so don't worry that you will be working every hour under the sun and will never see your DS.

Why are you studying if you don't want to work?

Original poster
Girl33 · 28/01/2015 10:19

I'm just so confused. I left him 2 years ago for the same reasons and he was so penitent I got cold feet and went back. He promised it would change and it did for a few months. Since I stopped working it's come back in force. He refers to when I left as 'when you went crazy' and denies all responsibility. He says I have no sense of humour. I can't even trust my memories or my reactions and that's why I'm scared.
Any job I could get wouldn't even cover childcare.

I suppose I am comfortable. I'm used to this now.

OP posts:
kaykayred · 28/01/2015 10:22

Do you want you son to grow into the man your husband is? Someone who thinks it's okay to treat his wife like dirt? Someone who has no respect for women? Someone who is, essentially, a selfish, nasty piece of shit?

Try and think of it like this - if you stay, you are doing exactly what your husband wants. There is a reason he has spent so long belittling you and making you feel stupid. It's specifically to erode your confidence so you don't feel you can manage alone. Because otherwise, you wouldn't be with him. And if you aren't with him, he loses his emotional punching bag.

He will pull every dirty trick under the sun to convince you to stay, because he wants power over you. That will include making you feel guilty over your son.

He does NOT have the best interests of you OR his son at heart.

Original poster
Girl33 · 28/01/2015 10:22

My course is an interest of mine that I would hope to pursue once my son is school age. He is 1.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/01/2015 10:23

Yes, yabu

you ate accepting of the emotional abuse and actually apologise when you say something perfectly reasonable in response to it

you know he chooses to treat you like this as evidenced by him being able to turn it off and on at will and his attempts to blame you for it

this is a poor example of a relationship for your son, so for his sake I believe you are making poor choices

Starlightbright1 · 28/01/2015 10:24

YABU.... Mostly to stop you and your children the chance of happiness....

The thing is he will knock your confidence further and further down..IS this how you want your children to see you...Even if he has access then sometime in a happy stable home is better than none.

BarbarianMum · 28/01/2015 10:27

You don't sound comfortable, just worn down and with a very low opinion of yourself (sorry). How old is your son? At 3 15 hours free childcare kicks in, at 4 he'll start school. Unis quite often support students w childcare, and when you work there are tax credits.

It isn't easy, but it is doable. Do you have savings? Could you start a secret leaving fund from the housekeeping? Also maybe speak to Student Services at the university - they may be able to help with housing/childcare.

BarbarianMum · 28/01/2015 10:28

Sorry X post.

SurlyCue · 28/01/2015 10:29

Any job I could get wouldn't even cover childcare

As a single parent on a low income you should be entitled to help with childcare costs up to 70% of the costs.

hellsbellsmelons · 28/01/2015 10:29

What a burden to put on your poor DS!!
So it's going to be HIS fault that you live an unhappy, miserable life.
Nice!!!

eggface · 28/01/2015 10:29

I think everyone's being a bit tough love here on the OP. Suffering from abuse as I understand it DOES make you question your confidence, abilities, you can't think straight, you don't know what to do.

I hope some of the strong women who've been through it and managed to leave will be able to offer some practical advice of places the OP could go for help.

OP how about your family? Would there be other options of places to live, or help and support for you? Being on your own with a one year old is a very scary idea I agree but it sounds like you need to think constructively about what that life would actually be like.

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