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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not leave my husband because I want to be a stay at home mum?

133 replies

Girl33 · 28/01/2015 09:57

I am not happy. I have posted before about his behaviour and the general consensus was that he is emotionally abusive. He withholds affection and belittles me. Makes out that I am stupid. Makes fun of me when I change my hair.
Last night we had friends over and he was making fun of me over a time 3 years ago when I accidentally called a cup a mug. I snapped and told him I obviously wasn't that stupid as I am studying at uni and he has no qualifications. I apologised but he is punishing me again with silence and dirty looks. He has just shouted at me because I asked him to come with me for our sons immunisations as I'm nervous.

The point of this is I can't bear to split up because I'm scared. I don't want to have to leave my son to go to work or share custody, it would break my heart. I can feel my self esteem and my tolerance of him going down and down and I don't know what to do.

Am I being unreasonable to stay in this marriage for my son?

OP posts:
WorkingBling · 28/01/2015 10:29

YABU. As others have said, you're not staying for your son, you're staying for yourself. And the reality, hard though it is to see this right now, is that you will NOT be happier in the marriage than out.

DH parents stayed together for the children. [hollow laugh emoticon]. It did none of them any good believe me and that includes both his parents. It would have been much better if they'd just split up when DH was small. Don't put your son, or yourself, through that.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 28/01/2015 10:36

He is gaslighting you to the point where you doubt your own recollections of things
www.thehotline.org/2014/05/what-is-gaslighting/

If you have no sense of humour, have think about how he reacts if you take the piss out of him? Who has the sense of humour failure then?

Does he speak to his friends the way he speaks to you?

Do you really want your son to grow up thinking his Dad's behaviour is correct and following it?

Has he tried to sabotage your studying? He may well not like the idea of you becoming more successful and independent from him?

SurlyCue · 28/01/2015 10:39

BTW i am studying right now as a lone parent and i get all my childcare costs paid for by student finance.

Original poster
Girl33 · 28/01/2015 10:42

He just shows no interest in my subject and ignores any discussion I try to make. I now believe he was like this to his 'stupid' ex wife too. I could stay with my mum but oh god the shame!! I'm only 23 and with a failed marriage.

OP posts:
YoullLikeItNotaLot · 28/01/2015 10:43

Yes YABU.

A lot of people make compromises to give their children the best possible life. You're not unique. It's not healthy for a child to be part of this.

Nolim · 28/01/2015 10:46

"I'm only 23 and with a failed marriage."

You are only 23. That is a whole life ahead of you. Do you really want the rest of your life to be like this?

And please tell me the difference between a cup and a mug! I really honestly dont know.

Mrsjayy · 28/01/2015 10:47

Concentrate on your course if your husband isn't Interested then don't try and engage with him about it make your course and your son the main focus I your life your studying is ypu and your sons future it might take a long time to get there but you will

Mrsjayy · 28/01/2015 10:48

It isn't shameful at all

Original poster
Girl33 · 28/01/2015 10:49

Apparently a mug has a handle and is for hot drinks. A cup is just a cup. Don't ask me I'm too stupid to know the difference!

OP posts:
bibliomania · 28/01/2015 10:50

For long-term prisoners, leaving prison can be terrifying. Not a reason to stay though.

I left with an 18-month old, and yes, I've always worked and yes, it's been hard to sort out custody with an angry and vengeful man. It's still a lot easier than living with him.

Right now, you're thinking of your future (after leaving) in very bleak terms. Can you try envisage how good it might be? I was amazed at how much energy I had to simply enjoy my child once I left, because I wasn't always hunched over, on the defensive and wondering when the next blow (usually emotional) would fall. I love my freedom, I love managing my own money, I love closing the door knowing that I and my dd are safely on this side and my ex can't come in. My life is just so much more joyful now that I'm free! And it's a vastly healthier environment for my dd.

You've just got to hold your nose and jump. The water is cold and first but exhilarating once you're in.

The thing about doubting your own memories - I've been there. I found bad experiences would kind of slide out of my head. I strongly suggest keeping a diary. See the patterns. It helps combat the denial. There is a better life for you and your ds out there - you just have to scrape together your courage and self-belief and desire to protect your ds, and do it.

hoobypickypicky · 28/01/2015 10:50

Yes, you are. You'd be condemning yourself to an unhappy life, setting an awful, unhappy example to your son and using your husband as a meal ticket.

Is that what you want? You're only 23. You've decades ahead of you. Do you still want to be living like this at 33?

bibliomania · 28/01/2015 10:51

You're 23 - that's great. You can leave after suffering a couple of years of misery, or you can hang around and suffer for a couple of decades. Is that even a choice?

earplugsahoy · 28/01/2015 10:52

Good grief.. You poor thing he has done an absolute stinker on you

The worst possible thing you can do for your child is stay with this man, your child is going to grow up believing that it's ok to be disrespectful to you.
And as he gets older the harder it will be to leave, habits your husband will teach him will be harder to break.

As a single parent you will be entitled to housing benefit, tax credits, income support, student finance and maintenance from your ex.

You will not be worse off

PatriciaHolm · 28/01/2015 10:54

You are 23 - you have many many years ahead of you. Years in which to spend happily with your son, retrain, love your life as you want to.

Or years to spend miserable, abused, seeing your son turn into his father, getting more and more desperate as the years go on.

Please OP, make it the former. Don't cover up for him. Tell your parents, your friends, don't be afraid to ask for a little bit of help. Don't subject yourself or your baby to this.

Original poster
Girl33 · 28/01/2015 10:54

Bibliomania thank you for your kind words, the idea of a diary is good. Ive had problems with my hair postpartum and he said to me now it's not curly there is nothing interesting about me. He denies he ever said this. I don't know who I am anymore.

OP posts:
ZebraLovesKnitting · 28/01/2015 10:55

I was in a similar situation to you at a similar age. 4 years and another child later, I'm still here. I feel even more trapped than before. And I very much regret being too scared to leave back then. I guess I'm saying it will never get better, it can't as it's who your DH is. Please leave now before it gets even more difficult and complicated to.

knotswapper · 28/01/2015 10:56

I was in absolutely the same position about 8 years ago but I had to stay [complex visa reasons meaning if I left the house he would have been deported]. I would urge you that no matter how bad it seems now, you and you son will be so much better off if you leave. A failed marriage is no shame if your husband is abusive - and he definitely is.

My DP had a "psycho" ex-wife too Hmm. He also has completely ignored all of my studies - I'm at the end of an MBA and I can tell that it infuriates him. I don't think he's asked a question about me in over 10 years. I should be able to move out this year though, after many years of putting up with him - happy times ahead. If you are able to leave - do. Please don't put up with years of this like I had to, life is just too short and your children don't need to see such a poor family role model. Having two parents - one of whom is abusive, is not better than having just one who is loving and caring.

MrsDeVere · 28/01/2015 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PasstheDaimbars · 28/01/2015 11:04

Can I suggest that you get this moved to Relationships, there are alot of posters there that have been in your situation and can give you practical advice.

As for 23 with a failed marriage. Better that than 33 with 10 years of being insulted and ground down to nothing and a crappy marriage.

zozzij · 28/01/2015 11:06

Actually, a mug IS a type of cup, so not only is he a bully but he's also a thick cunt. Tell him to google it, the ignorant prick. Then divorce him.

Nolim · 28/01/2015 11:08

That is what i though zozzij. About the cup. And the husband.

BarbarianMum · 28/01/2015 11:08

Or a son with low self-esteem that thinks being abused is a normal part of a relationship. Boys don't alwas model themselves on their dads.

notsogoldenoldie · 28/01/2015 11:12

Sounds dreadful, but I'm in a (kind of) similar situation to you, with a faithless, selfish arsehole. However, you sound very worn down, and if you can't face ltb right now, I'd suggest you make plans to do so when you're ready to do so. You are a lovely person, by the sound of it, intelligent and with, it sounds, a plan for the future. You are so young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Once your dc is in school, and your routines are different, I bet you'll feel different too. Meanwhile, make sure you research all the benefits available to you, and access all the support you need.

Good luckFlowers

Jackiebrambles · 28/01/2015 11:21

God sake, what a total bellend he is.

OP you are SO young, you have the opportunity to start again with someone lovely who doesn't take the piss and who makes you feel happy!
Plus your son wouldn't be around this negative environment.

If you broke up your husband would need to pay to support your DS so you would get money to help pay for childcare. As others have said, you'd also get other income support/help as a single parent.

WorraLiberty · 28/01/2015 11:24

Any job I could get wouldn't even cover childcare

You'll get help with childcare and even if you didn't, you can claim benefits as a stop gap.

This is too important to both you and your son, not to do something as soon as you can.

Yes, it's scary. I ended my first marriage when my DS's were aged 8yrs old and 10 months old.

It was tough at first but the best thing I ever did. I'm now married to a wonderful man and have been for nearly 14 years.