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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not leave my husband because I want to be a stay at home mum?

133 replies

Girl33 · 28/01/2015 09:57

I am not happy. I have posted before about his behaviour and the general consensus was that he is emotionally abusive. He withholds affection and belittles me. Makes out that I am stupid. Makes fun of me when I change my hair.
Last night we had friends over and he was making fun of me over a time 3 years ago when I accidentally called a cup a mug. I snapped and told him I obviously wasn't that stupid as I am studying at uni and he has no qualifications. I apologised but he is punishing me again with silence and dirty looks. He has just shouted at me because I asked him to come with me for our sons immunisations as I'm nervous.

The point of this is I can't bear to split up because I'm scared. I don't want to have to leave my son to go to work or share custody, it would break my heart. I can feel my self esteem and my tolerance of him going down and down and I don't know what to do.

Am I being unreasonable to stay in this marriage for my son?

OP posts:

rollonthesummer · 28/01/2015 17:35

I'm stuck in this house contract til September so can't go before then.

You can start looking for work before then though and get some money to enable you to leave.

Quangle · 28/01/2015 17:38

OK baby steps OP. You don't need to catastrophise - your son probably will get ill some days (they all do ) and you will find a way through.

And please don't worry that your son will be the same. That's catastrophising too. He is your lovely baby - he'll be lovely if you give him the right environment to grow up in.

You have time to think and start planning. there's lots of help available on here.

AdoraBell · 28/01/2015 17:42

September isn't so far away, it will give you time to make a plan rather than leaving on the spur of the moment. That will make the act of leaving less daunting for you.

Are your parents supportive? Talk to people about his treatment of you. Speak to your GP about feeling confused and low, tell them about your husband making fun of you and then ignoring you. It is emotional abuse and telling your GP gets it documented so that when he claims to have been the model husband, which he will, it won't wash.

Of course if he becomes violent between now and when you plan to leave then don't hang around for the contract to be up in Spetember.

FreudiansSlipper · 28/01/2015 17:44

i do not think yabu to feel this way

but i think you know the best thing is to leave him for you and your son. it is not easy, there will be struggles but in the long run you can provide a better environment for your ds and you will feel happier

look at the freedom programme it supports women to move on from all types of abusive relationship. for many just leaving is not an option or seems impossible for them this programme helps you overcome those fears and put practical steps in place

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

cestlavielife · 28/01/2015 17:46

this sis the way abusers work - nice nasty nice. you know that don't you?

so yabu. you need to get out and your self esteem will improve. so will your ds life.

toomanyostriches · 28/01/2015 17:47

I work with a few single Mum's. It's not always easy for them but they manage fine and they seem happy. "What if he's ill?" All kids get unwell sometimes, that's why there are things like emergency annual leave, carers leave, flexi time etc. It's inconvenient but it's not unmanageable. Also you're not "stupid", you're being emotionally abused. That takes it's toll on a person and is bound to impact on your decision making. If you really can't leave until September then that gives you time to plan. Squirrel away as much money as you can (even little bits here and there can make a difference), start thinking about accommodation (whether there are any friends/family you could stay with until you get sorted for example, speak to a solicitor. He isn't going to change. You need to get out.

Coyoacan · 28/01/2015 17:54

Another one voting for you to take your child and go on benefits or check out the possibility of the university supporting you with childcare.

Or you could work part-time and have your child part-time in a nursery or with a child-minder.

I was a single mum from the word go and it was great. I was able to enjoy my dd without having to put up with her horrible father. My dd loved nursery, being able to play with other children, and I was able to pick her up between 2 and 3 in the afternoon so we had loads of time together as well.

Fear of the unknown is horrible, but I can tell you from experience it is not as bad as staying in a bad relationship.

betweenmarchandmay · 28/01/2015 17:57

I have no advice OP but I really, really sympathise.

I am desperate to leave but very worried about the impact growing up in a broken home would have on the children.

SurlyCue · 28/01/2015 17:57

OP is the tenancy in your name? If so can you ask your DH to leave?

Original poster

Girl33 · 28/01/2015 18:03

It's in both names but far far more than I can afford alone. We have an extra bedroom for my stepsons on the weekend so I would suffer with bedroom tax too. I will have to save money, the problem is he used to give me cash but recently he now puts it all on the account so hiding it will be hard. I can't afford nursery or would be working just to pay for the nursery while still with him I don't think he'd agree :(

OP posts:

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 28/01/2015 18:03

Are you joint tenants on the house? Could he afford it by himself?

You're scared, that's understandable, but you must realise this is no life. You're so young, you could be living 70 more years of this shit. Lone parents manage, we do. You will! And I don't feel I'm missing my son's childhood. That's just silly.

ArghMIL · 28/01/2015 18:07

YABU. I have just left my fiancé who grew up as the child in a relationship like this. His mother was the abusive one. 20 years after leaving home he is still incapable of treating his partner any differently to how he sawn his mum treat his dad. At first he was fucking charming and lovely, but as time went on and we faced problems in life he reverted back to what he had always known and made my life a misery. It took me over two years to have had enough and leave, realising that he would never change. What made me do it in the first instance (he then threw the mother of all wobblies and refused to apologise or work on it and told me to leave permanently as he didn't love me any more) was not actually how he was treating me but the realisation that one day he would treat our children like that.

And that is why you are unreasonable - one day your husband will treat your son the way he is treating you, just like ex's mum treated him the way she treated his dad. Get out, now.

CheekyWeeGandT · 28/01/2015 18:19

Some of what you say, OP, resonates with me as I was in a similar quandary. It boils down to this: what price are you willing to pay for being a sahm? Yr DH is not going to change so you either accept this life or you get out.
For me, the turning point was realising the damage that would be done to DS who was just over one year old at the time so, even if I stayed, it would never be the ideal that I had hoped for.
It took me 5 months to get out of it. I spent that time looking into benefits, legalities, rights etc and putting together an escape plan. For you, this would be looking into childcare entitlement for students. Knowledge is power.
It is scary esp when your DH has convinced you that you're stupid or worthless but, two years down the line, I am proud that I felt frightened and just did it anyway. If you wait for the fear to go away, you'll be there forever. You are very welcome to PM me if you feel it would help.

Original poster

Girl33 · 28/01/2015 18:24

Thanks for sharing your story Cheeky. My main fear is that I'm just an idiot who has made it all up in my head?? How can you ever know? I don't trust myself.

OP posts:

bloodygorgeous · 28/01/2015 18:39

You're not an idiot, you're not making it up, you are being abused and oppressed.

But PLEASE give yourself a shake and stop this utter nonsense about being a SAHM over staying in a house where you are afraid and deeply unhappy.

Your son will be picking up on your fear and anxiety and he probably feels those things himself.

He will either grow up talking to you like a piece of shit with your h colluding with him (it will always be 'just a joke' by the way when they belittle you and call you names) or your h will do to your son what he's doing to you - treat him like a piece of shit.

By the way, it's actually pretty insulting to those of us who work to suggest it's the worst thing you can put your child through - we still have full relationships with our children you know!! We are still parents, even if we aren't there for a few hours in the day. He will be at school half the time anyway.

Original poster

Girl33 · 28/01/2015 18:45

I'm sorry I didn't want to offend anybody. It's just he's only 1 and still really little and I don't leave him ever as he's still breastfed. Obviously it would be different if he was older.

OP posts:

Limer · 28/01/2015 18:47

Stepsons? Your dh's children from his first marriage? How does he treat them?

Original poster

Girl33 · 28/01/2015 18:50

They love me and are afraid of him. I'm desperate for him to connect with them but he can't. He is great with our son though.
I left work under a cloud after putting in a grievance against my old boss so my confidence is a bit knocked too.

OP posts:

Limer · 28/01/2015 18:54

OMG it just gets worse. They are afraid of him. Surely you can see that EXACTLY the same will happen to your son?

You will easily get another job - either after you've got your degree, or before, with all your cafe management experience.

Please do what you can to get away, your husband sounds like a 100% nasty piece of work.

Mrsjayy · 28/01/2015 19:00

He is good with your son because he is s baby who adores him when your baby starts to have independent thoughts that is when he will start to trest this son the same as the rest how you are feeling is not in your head treating you with distaste and mocki g you isn't in your head it is unkind and cruel

Mrsjayy · 28/01/2015 19:00

Treat sorry for typos

UptheChimney · 28/01/2015 19:08

Am I being unreasonable to stay in this marriage for my son?

Yes. Although your fear is understandable on your behalf you are not staying for your son; you're staying for you. Y

You're actually teaching your son that it's OK to treat a woman abusively, and that it's OK for a woman to swap money for abuse. Pretty bad, really.

Viviennemary · 28/01/2015 19:10

Whether you are being reasonable or not isn't really the main point. Lots of women have done this in the past and probably continue to do so. But I don't think it will lead to happiness. He's quite abusive and horrible. You should get out of the relationship IMHO.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2015 19:25

Your stepsons are afraid of their father ? Would their father see much of them if you weren't around making it happen ?

you just saw your son's future right there....In a couple of years he will start feeling the fear alright

I have real sadness that you are willing to stay in a relationship with a man that treats women and children like this

maddening · 28/01/2015 19:36

Speak to your mum - ask if you can move in but stay home with ds while you are studying.

In the mean time stop engaging or conversation with h - mentally detach - his opinions mean jack shit - he is a prick - treat him like one - get on with sorting your stuff - paperwork, passports, evidence of bank accounts and bank statements, take back the power and get ready to leave (he doesn't need to know, get recordings of him and keep a diary, get all your precious belongings, photos etc out to your mums. Just making the decision that you are no. Longer in a relationship with him may help you mentally prepare for your departure.

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