To not leave my husband because I want to be a stay at home mum?

[Girl33]

I am not happy. I have posted before about his behaviour and the general consensus was that he is emotionally abusive. He withholds affection and belittles me. Makes out that I am stupid. Makes fun of me when I change my hair.
Last night we had friends over and he was making fun of me over a time 3 years ago when I accidentally called a cup a mug. I snapped and told him I obviously wasn't that stupid as I am studying at uni and he has no qualifications. I apologised but he is punishing me again with silence and dirty looks. He has just shouted at me because I asked him to come with me for our sons immunisations as I'm nervous.

The point of this is I can't bear to split up because I'm scared. I don't want to have to leave my son to go to work or share custody, it would break my heart. I can feel my self esteem and my tolerance of him going down and down and I don't know what to do.

Am I being unreasonable to stay in this marriage for my son?

No, upthechimney I do not think that is quite fair. When you are really afraid, you sometimes think that you are doing it for your child.... you are giving your child the chance for a 'normal family life' whatever that means. Many people do gird their loins and go forth with a conscious decision to give their children two parents. That can be an act of courage, or foolhardly or a little of both, but when you have an entire heritage of society telling you that two parents is ideal... and also have centuries of the reality that most women/wives/mothers make compromises and adjustments in order to fit into the whole ideal of what a good mother/parent is.... it is hard to step out.

My main fear is that I'm just an idiot who has made it all up in my head?? How can you ever know? I don't trust myself.

And surely you know that the longer you stay with him the worse your self-doubt will be. You know that, don't you? Please?

Anyway, to trot out a platitude (but it really helps to read it again sometimes): Courage is not having no fear; it is the fortitude to go on and do the right thing in spite of the fear.

Do it for yourself. Do it for your son. Do it for the next generation. Think to yourself: It Stops Here.

OP you will be able to afford nursery etc because tax credits will pay for it. You can go back to education or part time work when your DS is a little bigger and you'll probably have more money than you have now.
The lifelong mental health and self - esteem problems that children who witness abuse have are not worth you staying for. His sons are scared of him!!!

PS - depending on who is your ultimate landlord, it's more likely than not that you can get out of the contract. Talk to Women's Aid about help in getting off the contract. You wouldn't be the first half-of-a-couple who needs to leave a contract because of a split. You are probably not stuck

He sounds emotionally abusive. How about getting support from the women's refuge when he is at work? They can give you support and help to give you the confidence to leave. You and your son don't deserve to be treated like you are x

OP, I was raised in a house like this with an emotionally abusive father (as well as physical). My mother decided to stay "because families stay together".

I have very little to do with my mother now and can barely stand to be in the same room as her sometimes.

Don't let that happen to you and your son.

I do agree with goodadvice. My DM was brought up in a physically sexually and emotionally abusive household, and the whole message was to keep it in the family. She is in her 60s I am in my 40s, and this has blighted my entire life. She was so damaged by it, and the damge goes down generations in so many ways. MY DM had not other real model for her, and so my childhood was quite verbally and emotionally abusive and occasionally violently as well.

If you have the chance to change a future that is going to be unhappy, please do it.

Goodness I really feel for you Girl33. Can I ask how old your husband is? Thinking he must be a fair bit older than you, if he's had one divorce behind him already? Genuinely you have your whole life ahead of you, & you can control & shape that life for you & your son. Please don't think that being a compliant SAHM is going to be better for your son.

I hope you read all the wonderful responses and advice on here and make the right decision. You are probably in a bit of shock, reading all this. Just start to plan, bit by bit, little by little, and you will be able to make it happen. For yours and your son's sake.