Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To not leave my husband because I want to be a stay at home mum?

133 replies

Girl33 · 28/01/2015 09:57

I am not happy. I have posted before about his behaviour and the general consensus was that he is emotionally abusive. He withholds affection and belittles me. Makes out that I am stupid. Makes fun of me when I change my hair.
Last night we had friends over and he was making fun of me over a time 3 years ago when I accidentally called a cup a mug. I snapped and told him I obviously wasn't that stupid as I am studying at uni and he has no qualifications. I apologised but he is punishing me again with silence and dirty looks. He has just shouted at me because I asked him to come with me for our sons immunisations as I'm nervous.

The point of this is I can't bear to split up because I'm scared. I don't want to have to leave my son to go to work or share custody, it would break my heart. I can feel my self esteem and my tolerance of him going down and down and I don't know what to do.

Am I being unreasonable to stay in this marriage for my son?

OP posts:

LadyLuck10 · 28/01/2015 11:33

Sorry you're going through this op but I guess you do know deep down that staying in this relationship is the wrong thing to do. You are still so young and that's a good thing because you can totally turn things around for yourself and your DS.
It is scary to make the first step, but the first step is always the hardest and it does get easier.
You see the man your DH is, would you be happy if your son turns out like this because staying with your DH is what your son is going to model his life on.
Make a plan for yourself, everything that seems an obstacle and start looking at how you can work on that. Good luck.

squoosh · 28/01/2015 11:44

YABU

You are only 23. Get out now and consign this relationship to the dustbin of your life's history. You don't want your son growing up learning that this is the way to treat a spouse. Imagine how you'd feel if he turned out to be the husband his father is.

maras2 · 28/01/2015 11:50

I don't give a fuck about the cup/ mug stuff.Re read your OP and ask yourself exactly what is right in this relationship.No one I know would talk to me like that especially my DH.You are so young to be browbeaten by this bully and your child will suffer.Get out now .Life's too short for this nonsense.Get a job and put the child in day care.Be happy.I'm so cross on your behalf and if necessary ask your parents for help.I'd be angry if you were my daughter and didn't ask me to help.

maras2 · 28/01/2015 11:52

rearrange the last 2 phrases.Sorry.Bastard new I pad.

Laquitar · 28/01/2015 11:57

If it is about your son, then the sooner the better. As he is only 1 it will be easy i imagine. It is going to happen anyway. He is not going to change and you will probably divorce one day,it would be better earlier than later imo.
Childcare-you should get help for that. Other expenses are lower now i.e. clothes, presents.babies dont know the difference between second hand clothes and expensive ones.
You need to make a long term plan. Write it down. This plan must be that you live frugally now -at your mums or else- working hard on qualifications and then get a job and then a better job and then an even better job and so on. So by the time your child needs school trips, music lessons, trainers etc you will be in a much better financial situation. And a strong and happy woman.

If your mum is ok and you have a good relationship wih her you will be mad to not take advantage of this.

The studies - if it is only smth interesting but with no good job prospects change it. Study smth that will give you a good or a secure income in 5 years.

SummerHouse · 28/01/2015 11:59

Do you love him? Sounds like it would be hard to. If you do perhaps you can salvage this. If you don't then you need to be the very brave and brilliant mum you sound like you are. God its a horrible situation but you have your whole life ahead of you and that of you little boy. You can do this. Having a failed marriage behind you is so much better than being in a bad marriage. When you are strong, confident, happy and divorced you will see this. Good luck.

LittleMiss77 · 28/01/2015 12:04

I grew up in a household where my parents stayed together for the sake of the kids. It was horrible. It effected both me and my younger brother greatly.

Your DH is a bully and you need to leave.

Momagain1 · 28/01/2015 12:10

I understand you are disappointed and regretful that he is not fitting properly in to your hopes of being a tidy little traditional mum at home, loving father at work, cozy and respectful and happy. But the alternative of being mistreated all your life just to be at home is not good for you or your child.

If you want to be a stay at home mum, with this man supporting you, you are going to need to buck up to the same degree you would if you left him. He will either adjust well to that, or treat you even worse. Probably the latter. And soon enough, he will abuse your son the same way and/or teach him to be equally abusive toward you, and eventually his own girlfriends and wives.

As hard as going it on your own seems, it will actually be easier.

Jackieharris · 28/01/2015 12:14

At 23 you have plenty of time to find a partner and father you and your DS deserve.

Splitting won't affect whether you are a sahm.

He' awful. You need to leave before DS is old enough to start learning his behaviour.

morethanpotatoprints · 28/01/2015 12:19

Hello OP

I know how you feel, except for the abusive husband bit.
I am a confirmed long time sahp but if my dh was like this there is no way I would hang around.
you are worth so much and as others have said you will get help with childcare and benefits. I know they are like gold dust but you might be able to find pt work, just 16 hours a week will allow tax credits. You will more than likely be able to keep up your studies with nobody putting you down all the time.
Please find the strength to leave him, he may even get worse if you stay much longer.
Best wishes to you and your son, you both deserve better.

flora717 · 28/01/2015 12:24

Once he's gone the day to day 'just getting on with it' will give you so much confidence. You can do this. You will not look back (except to wonder where your head was at).

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 28/01/2015 12:34

I'll (hopefully not) be flamed for saying this, but with a child under 5 you could claim income support, housing benefit and child tax credits. You wouldn't have to work until he starts school.

You really could give him a nice life on your own.

If you stay with that tosspot, you won't be. Why would he change? He has you to bully. I bet you do more than your fair share around the house too.

Chilicosrenegade · 28/01/2015 12:36

Sorry. I take great issue with one thing you say. You are not staying 'for your son'. Not in the slightest. You stay for you. Because of fear.

Now that fear is natural and useful. I'm not belittling it. It will help you make the right choices, eventually.

Instead, what would stop you feeling fearful? Knowledge. Which is something as the intelligent capable woman you are you can gain.

So. Ask us proper questions. How do I find out what benefits I'm allowed? Which area is best to live in? How do divorcing parents cope? Will my son be ok?

We can help you answer these, slowly, at your pace.

Life will not be worse. Just different. And that's ok.

Riceball · 28/01/2015 12:44

I did what you are doing aNd tried to obliterate myself to appease him. Then one day my 4yo DD said to me, "mummy, why does daddy hate you so much?". I knew the game was over then.

Momagain1 · 28/01/2015 13:02

We all sound so bossy. But we know. We feel for you. We want you and your ds to have a joyous life, not a miserable one. You can do that. You can.

The biggest regret in my life is not leaving my first marriage sooner. I dont think he was even as mean, but he was mean enough and my dreams of a stable home were deep enough I was twisting myself in knots trying to be a 'good' wife to someone who took pleasure in ripping me down. I was shrinking from who I was raised to be. Not shrinking fast enough I guess, he left me (at 24) for someone younger and more controllable. At least from what I know, via my daughters.

Quenelle · 28/01/2015 13:04

Girl33 you may think you're used to it but how will you feel when you see your son has 'got used to' feeling as humiliated, confused and belittled as your husband makes you feel?

My uncle treated his son like that his whole life. He grew up a nervous, miserable wretch who was bullied terribly at school and now at 48 has spent his adult years in a relationship with a bullying, abusive partner he just doesn't have the strength to stand up to.

Your son deserves a better life than that. And so do YOU. Trust me, I'm old, 23 is just a fraction of a lifetime. Yours does not have to be like this any more.

Please accept help and advice from those who are offering and show your husband - and your friends who witnessed last night's display - what a twat HE is to think YOU are the stupid one .

Surreyblah · 28/01/2015 13:10

It's great that you are 23 and already working towards a job when your DS is bigger. You could do just fine without this abusive arse.

Stormingateacup · 28/01/2015 13:18

There's no shame in having a failed marriage. There's shame in staying in a bad one and subjecting your child to it.

Teabiscuits · 28/01/2015 13:19

I feel for you but I have to agree that you can't carry on like this. I was in a similar situation and I didn't trust my own mind any more.

I only got my freedom when he left me for another woman. I was 22 with two children under 3. Within days I felt relief and happier, within weeks I came off anti depressants, within a couple of months I stood up to him, sorted out a reasonable schedule for him to see his children and found a way (with a lot of help from family and friends) to have a part time job.

It's hard it really is. The first time he had the children overnight I drank wine and cried on the sofa all night. But they came back, and they still loved me, and I got used to it.

5 years down the line I am married to an amazing man. Every day I wake up and feel blessed and happy instead of miserable and controlled.

All of my friends and family said it was like I came back to life and became myself again once he left.

There is no shame in staying with your Mum, or asking for help. If you leave him both you and your son will be so much better off.

foreverton · 28/01/2015 13:42

Me and ex f had a wonderful life until i had ds, almost 12 and he became jealous of his own son and verbally abusive.
We had a lovely home,a good life etc but just weeks after ds's 2nd birthday I'd had enough, went to stay with my parents(no shame) and ended up getting a lovely little house a few months down the line.
We left with nothing but our clothes etc and personal possessions and started out with pretty much nothing.
10 years on, I'm engaged to a wonderful man, have a dd together, different house and I look at ex and pity him.
He's due to have another baby this summer with his new wife, he hasn't changed and I see the pattern about to repeat itself.
The hardest part is doing it but the sense of freedom is worth it, good luck:)

raspberrywhitechocolate · 28/01/2015 14:01

Just wanted to pick up on something Gilbert said - might get flamed for saying this. I assume this is that they might get flamed for encouraging you to claim and live off benefits, and I just wanted to second what they said. Personally, if some of my tax can go towards making somebody able to raise their son and be confident having left an abusive relationship, I'd be really happy. I assume most (nice) other tax-payers would feel the same. Please don't be worried, the support is there for a reason. Good luck :)

MoreBeta · 28/01/2015 14:06

I am a man and your husband is treating you appallingly.

Of course a little joke and teasing now and then is normal in a marriage between people who love each other. That is not what is happening here.

You sound like you lack confidence and there are men out there who look out for women like you they can dominate. That is what he is doing.

You need to leave. Your degree is threatening to your husband's power over you. He is not your intellectual equal which is why he is trying to undermine you.

I grew up in a household like this. My mother should have gone to university. She taught herself genetics and is a brilliant artist but is not allowed to leave the house alone without my father. My father is emotionally abusive and I no longer speak to him. My mother is not allowed to speak to or see me or my children. He banned me from my sister's wedding because I would not do what he wanted. I had an awful childhood and he still controls my eldest sister as well as my mother. My youngest sister, his SIL, his brother and me have ALL fallen out with him and never speak or see him. He is a great joker, life and soul of a party but sulks unless he gets everything his way.

Do not stay - it will get worse. I am 51 and it has taken me this long to truly understand what kind of person my father is. I told my mother to leave him recently but she never will. She should have done years ago and did so briefly when I was a toddler - it is one of my earliest memories. She went back. I really wish she hadn't as I grew up an unhappy child and suffered into my early adult years with low self esteem.

OTheHugeManatee · 28/01/2015 14:11

YABU. My mum should have left when we were quite young but didn't because she was afraid of managing on her own. So we all grew up with a pretty fucked-up idea of what normal relationships look like and it's played out in our own lives.

Unless you want your DC to repeat the cycle you should leave.

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 28/01/2015 14:18

Thank you raspberry, that is what I meant, and I agree with your post.

imip · 28/01/2015 14:21

MoreBeta that is really sad...

Op, I grew up in an abusive household. My father was a violent alcoholic and very controlling of my mother. It will affect Everything your child does. They fear you feel when you dh comes into the room, your ds will feel also.

You are so young, so many wise words above - I hope you are able to draw strength from them

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6