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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not leave my husband because I want to be a stay at home mum?

133 replies

Girl33 · 28/01/2015 09:57

I am not happy. I have posted before about his behaviour and the general consensus was that he is emotionally abusive. He withholds affection and belittles me. Makes out that I am stupid. Makes fun of me when I change my hair.
Last night we had friends over and he was making fun of me over a time 3 years ago when I accidentally called a cup a mug. I snapped and told him I obviously wasn't that stupid as I am studying at uni and he has no qualifications. I apologised but he is punishing me again with silence and dirty looks. He has just shouted at me because I asked him to come with me for our sons immunisations as I'm nervous.

The point of this is I can't bear to split up because I'm scared. I don't want to have to leave my son to go to work or share custody, it would break my heart. I can feel my self esteem and my tolerance of him going down and down and I don't know what to do.

Am I being unreasonable to stay in this marriage for my son?

OP posts:

Laquitar · 28/01/2015 14:58

Can we all stop using the word 'failed' marriage, not only on this thread but on all similar threads? When OPs of these threads have are at a low point the word 'failed' is not apropriate imo.
Also she doesnt have to find a new man and a new father for her son. She might do but she can also live happy with no man.

Sorry to make these two points, i dont mean to pick on anyone.

OP how are you?
I agree very much with the poster who said to start making specific practical questions and to gather information as information/knowledge is power.

mutternutter · 28/01/2015 15:15

Op you may not be ready to leave yet but you can start putting things in place for when you do go

rollonthesummer · 28/01/2015 15:29

Apologies if I've missed something as I haven't read the whole thread but it sounds rather selfish actually to keep your child in an abusive and unhappy home life just so that you don't have to go out and get a job.

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 28/01/2015 15:34

You are a similar age to my DC. I'd hate for any of them to stay in a relationship that made them feel unhappy. Your mother loves you and will want to help and support you and her grandson. Please don't stay in this abusive marriage - you deserve so much better.

Mrsjayy · 28/01/2015 15:47

My eldest is also inear your age I would be heartbroken if I knew she was in a relationship she was so miserable in if she left I would be proud and relieved she left it. I had a 1 year old at 23 its hard going but lovey you have nothing to prove by staying with him

whatsagoodusername · 28/01/2015 15:52

It is much better to have a "failed" marriage at 23 than a failed marriage at 33 or 43 and have wasted 10 or 20 years on him.

And it's his failure to be a good husband, not yours. You and yours son deserve better than this.

Original poster

Girl33 · 28/01/2015 16:14

I'm not afraid of working. I was a manager in a busy coffee shop for many years. Having children changes things, I can't sacrifice missing his childhood. He is home from work ignoring me again, he actually ignored me in public just now. I want to scream.

OP posts:

rollonthesummer · 28/01/2015 16:26

I'm not saying you've never worked, though if you're only 23 and you've been pregnant/got a child now, I'm not sure how you've been a manager for 'many' years-5 maybe.

You are, however, putting your preference to not work ahead of the happiness in your house.

rollonthesummer · 28/01/2015 16:28

I can't sacrifice missing his childhood.

I think you're sacrificing a whole lot more.

Do you really think that parents that go to work miss their children's childhood?!!

Original poster

Girl33 · 28/01/2015 16:31

I'm selfish then. My poor son with two useless selfish parents.

OP posts:

rollonthesummer · 28/01/2015 16:34

You asked on a board called AIBU for opinions as to what people thought.

I think YABU. Perhaps you should post in relationships if you're not prepared for some people to have opinions that are different to you?

Thurlow · 28/01/2015 16:37

You're not selfish. No one is saying that.

You're just scared, very understandably.

I know you want to stay at home so you can look after your son, but in the long run it will be worse for him to see how his dad treats you than to see less of you during the day.

SurlyCue · 28/01/2015 16:39

I can't sacrifice missing his childhood.

This is silly. There are so many options when it comes to working. Working does not mean being out of the house 6 days a week for 12 hours each day.

You could work part time, work from home, do flexible working, work evenings. Even full time work isnt missing out on his childhood. You still have evenings, weekends, annual leave, bank holidays, christmas etc.

It is very closed minded to assume working means you wont see your child. I am studying full time and working part time. My children arent neglected or suffering. In fact they are better off both financially and emotionally as they have a mother who is happy and fulfilled and they have a great Childminder who looks after them like a doting granny.

PatriciaHolm · 28/01/2015 16:42

"I can't sacrifice missing his childhood"

Unfortunately, you are ruining it instead.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 28/01/2015 16:47

Sadly, his father is teaching him that this is how you treat women. You are teaching him that women accept this treatment.

You say you are staying for him, but when he grows up will you be proud of who he is if he repeats his father's treatment of you with his own partner?

You are in no way responsible for his father's choice to treat you like shit. That his fault. But your logic is flawed if you think you are giving your child an advantage by staying.

Scary as it is to go it alone, it's more scary to stay in an abusive relationship.

Children never thank their parents for keeping them in a home where there is abuse.

If it is your choice to leave, there is support out there. Yes it will mean sacrificing but sometimes we have to do that.

Your husband isn't going to change. You can.

Nolim · 28/01/2015 16:48

Just as other posters i fail to see how not being a sahm means missing his childhood.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 28/01/2015 16:49

and you are not selfish.

How can you be?

You are willing to live your whole life being abused because you think your son will be better for it.

But how can he be? That's the thing. He can never be.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 28/01/2015 17:13

Leave. Staying with somebody as you don't want to work is wrong, wrong for the child that has to grow up in the environment, wrong for the adult being used and wrong for the person who is unhappy.

Millions of children have working parents, what do you think your son would chose - miserable home life or a happy working mum. Doesn't take a genius to work out.

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 28/01/2015 17:19

Erm, so fast forward 20 years. Your son is mistreating you/his girlfriend or is withdrawn or whatever. You then say "chin up love, at least I didn't sacrifice any time with you"?

He might be lucky of course. He might be a child that has grown up in a dysfunctional family but turns out fine.

toomanyostriches · 28/01/2015 17:20

OP, you say you don't want a "failed marriage" but can you really characterise what you have now as a successful marriage? You're marriage is making you miserable, it's making you loney and fearful...you could stay with this man forever but if that's how you feel the marriage would by no means be a success.

I understand your desire to be at home with your son but I don't believe that having a Mum who needs to go out to work could possibly be as damaging for a child as living with two parents who can't stand one another.

How will you feel if, once your son is older, your Husband starts to bully him the way he bullies you. If he puts him down all the time, ruins his confidence, convinces him he's stupid and denies him affection? Or if your son starts to copy your Husband and makes fun of you, belittles you in front of others etc. When your son is a teenager and starts to bring girlfriends home, how will you feel if you hear him talking to the poor girls the way his Dad talks you because that is the way he has been taught to treat women? The thought of working a couple of days a week (as a lone parent you would be entitled to help from the government) might not seem to bad in comparison.

My Mum worked outside the home. I had a wonderful childhood. A Mum who is happy but has to go out to work sometimes is far better for a child than a Mum who is always available to them but is desperately unhappy. And don't think for a moment your son won't notice how unhappy you are.

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. I just think it's important to emphasise that any benefits to your DS of having a SAHM Mum will be massively outweighed by the level of tension and unhappiness in the marriage.

Quangle · 28/01/2015 17:21

I often think the key to happiness is being willing to walk away from an identity that mattered to you if it's not working any more. You have a strong sense of identity as a sahm but it's not working - your marriage is failing. The set up you had envisaged is no longer available to you. You can either stay because that identity means so much to you (and be miserable) or you can walk away and forge a new identity for yourself that revolves around something else. Competent, effective mum who puts her child first and works to make things happen is another identity you could choose to take on.

PoppyField · 28/01/2015 17:25

Please leave. Your H is crushing you. It is a slow death. You are only 23. He is vile. Don't let your son grow up with his father emotionally torturing his mother. That is torture for your son, as well as being an appalling example.

You can get away and have a nice life. You are clever and resourceful, he has just made you believe that you couldn't cope without him. This is not true. As soon as you get away from him, that will become clearer and clearer.

Believe in yourself and get yourself and your DS out of this hostile environment. Don't kid yourself that you can grit your teeth and get through unscathed with an abuser, it will get worse until you are so confused you won't know which end is 'up'.

Start your plan to get away from this man. There is no shame in splitting up from an abusive partner. You owe him nothing. There is no shame in the fact that splitting up did not work last time. Don't feel you have to explain yourself to anyone. Give it another go. Be strong.

Original poster

Girl33 · 28/01/2015 17:28

You're right. I just don't know how it will work. What if he's ill? I have no support as parents aren't retired yet. It would be awful if my son turned out like his father. Incapable of love, always needing to be superior. I was so young and stupid. You're right that this identity isn't working.

OP posts:

Original poster

Girl33 · 28/01/2015 17:30

I'm stuck in this house contract til September so can't go before then.

OP posts:

bettyboop1970 · 28/01/2015 17:34

Please leave this nasty twat.
Witnessing abuse can seriously affect a childs emotional development and can lead to MH issues as adults.

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