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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want your child to cuddle mine after just hurting them?

187 replies

RocketInMyPocket · 27/01/2015 11:52

I have a really good friend, she's lovely to be around, but when it comes to the kids some things give me the rage.
Her dd is 6 months older than mine, and can sometimes be a bit spiteful (snatching pushing smacking) . My dd will be 4 in August, hers 4 in Feb.
I have taught my kids from an early age that any violent behaviour is simply not acceptable, and they don't hit snatch pinch etc.
So her dd smacked mine over a toy. My dd was crying, saying 'Mummy, x smacked me', her dd lied and said she didn't even though we saw her. When I said, X, I saw you do it, she proceeded to scream bloody murder.
My friend picked her daughter up, said ok calm down, give Rockets dd a cuddle and say sorry. She was screaming, shaking her head no, lashing out with arms and legs.
The say sorry part was quickly dropped, and was just turned into give a cuddle.
At that point she tried to cuddle my dd, (who had stopped crying by now, but was still sniffling on my lap), and my dd immediately started crying again as soon as she came near her.
Friend said oh she's trying to be nice to you and give you a cuddle to say sorry. And pulled at sad face at my dd. I said something along the lines of, sorry dd only cuddles people who are nice to her, not people who hit her and make her cry.
Friend kind of gave me an odd look, put her dd down and said, oh well she doesn't want a cuddle.
I was just so fucked off that she put the onus on MY dd, pulling sad faces etc when she hadn't even mentioned her dds hitting, lying and then thrashing and screaming apart from saying basically go and upset the girl you've just walloped by making her cuddle you when she quite frankly doesn't want you near her.
Friend left soon after.
What would you have done? I enjoy my friends company obviously, but don't really want her dd near my two, as it's not an isolated incident, and my 2 get a bit confused when she behaves badly, and nothing is done, when they would obviously be punished.
Sorry for such long winded post, but I hope you understand what I'm saying!

OP posts:
slithytove · 27/01/2015 22:07

It's not even the 6 months which is necessarily relevant here.

It's the fact that so many posters have gone down the road of (paraphrasing) fgs she is only 3. E.g. 36 months.

When she is nearly 4. Actaully 47 months.

There is a huge difference in the behaviour I'd expect from a 3 year old to a 4 year old. Apologising for hitting is one of those behaviours, whether they realise it hurts or not.

Ds 'apologises' IMO not because he knows it hurts, but because he knows it's naughty, that I'm cross, and cos he doesn't like getting told off. Good enough for me.

Goldenbear · 27/01/2015 22:18

OP, it seems your the one lacking in 'comprehension' as i referred to my son splitting his lip in Reception - not at Preschool! If the age gap is not relevant why did you mention it at all? Your response to a three year old was petty and you're not doing your child any favours in teaching her to behave defensively and aggressively! You'd be better off teaching her to get over stuff and move on. At some point you're not going to be able to always fight their battles for them. My son is in Year 3 and even now would be mortified if i acted the way you do and intervened in every dispute he had at school - even if that was a physical one like a push from an older child!

Goldenbear · 27/01/2015 22:34

Wrong again,my DS is in Junior school, so I'm telling you the perspective of someone with an older child- as far as I can see most of them would be highly embarrassed by having a 'going fucking livid' parent, every time they were wronged at school!

Mrs D I disagree from my observations it's not obvious at all who is 3 or who is 3 and 4 months as opposed to 3 and 8 months. The Op's child is Not 36 months either so again why is that relevant?

A lot of children are not perfect or Golden, they have many imperfections and are still learning, not adult minds occupying little bodies, so why do people have these silly expectations of them and treat those still learning with such disdain and aggression. You need to grow up yourself if you have that pathetic attitude!

MrsDeVere · 27/01/2015 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BurningBridges · 27/01/2015 22:38

Don't give Goldenbear a cuddle Mrs D.

MrsDeVere · 27/01/2015 22:39

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsDeVere · 27/01/2015 22:39

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MrsDeVere · 27/01/2015 22:40

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Goldenbear · 27/01/2015 22:41

And?

6 months is nothing over 3, they are not babies anymore, firmly out of toddlerhood by 3.5!

Goldenbear · 27/01/2015 22:45

I thought the OP's child was 3.5 and the hitter was 3 and 11 months?

The OP was really inappropriately rude to a 3 year old- not hostile but totally exasperated by 'adults' high expectations.

MrsDeVere · 27/01/2015 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wyamc · 27/01/2015 23:07

I'm completely lost now. In our green, leafy mc school there are 8 year olds who batter people. Your dc are expected to fight back really. You could go in as many times as you like "fucking livid" but it won't change those dc. What you can change is your dc's response to it - i.e. hit back, accept apologies, forgive, move on. Less likely to batter you again if you have them onside in some degree.

Expecting 3 year olds to have social responsibility? It's laughable. Some might but most won't. I don't think I've experienced a genuine apology from a 3/4 year old ever. Expecting their parents to apologise on their behalf - yes I'd expect that.

Thinking your "pure" dc will be corrupted by the presence of such a dc.
Again, laughable. They've all been called in for one thing or another during infant school. My extremely quiet, non hitting/biting, compliant one ended up in a sort of girl gang bitch fight in year 1 much to my surprise. It was the loyalty thing caught her up.

It's just not worth alienating people in your community over such a trivial matter. I'd have never in a millon years thought dc would have become bff with the people they did. Somehow you've got to come across as vaguely sane and responsible for people to trust you to take their dc without them present.

Vilifying a 3 year old puts your reputation at risk.

Goldenbear · 27/01/2015 23:16

So not '4' then?

IME the difference is not obvious at all between 3.5 and 4. Like I said under 3, yes definitely an 'infant'- noticeably different!

Spincyclist · 28/01/2015 00:09

Apologies, I've only skimmed the thread.

I remember my 2 year old DD getting whacked by the same boy as usual. I went to cuddle her. Tears streaming down her face she looked down at the floor and said, steeling herself, "I know Mummy, D hit me again so now I have to cuddle him." And she did it bravely, as if she was taking particularly nasty medicine.

Since then I've never forced her to get up close and personal with someone who's just hurt them. I think your comment was a bit unnecessary & hurtful OP, better just to thank the other child for the apology yourself or suggest the other child sign sorry (fist over your heart, rub in small circles) if they want to cuddle rather than speak.

slithytove · 28/01/2015 01:05

The child (the 4 year old!) DID NOT APOLOGISE

It is normal to expect an nt 4 year old to be able to listen to their mum and apologise

It's even more normal to expect a 29 year old to deal with said child appropriately when apology is refused

wyamc · 28/01/2015 01:13

The child (the 4 year old!) DID NOT APOLOGISE

OMG let's call the police!

No the child tried to apologise and it was rejected.

wickedlazy · 28/01/2015 01:26

What AllThreeWays said.

LucyBabs · 28/01/2015 01:29

wy The Child did not try to apologise. Surely anyone with children knows an almost four year old won't mean it? The mother of said child should be apologising and showing the child there are consequences for bad behave IE Hitting others FFS

ChippingInLatteLover · 28/01/2015 03:56

The 4 year old did not apologise. They refused. They then unwillingly went to 'hug' the OP's child against her will, that's not an apology from a 4 yo. A non verbal 2yo maybe, not a verbal 4 yo.

No apology from a 4yo, no huge surprise and I hate them being made to do so...fine. Deal with it another way. Tell them off for hitting, telling fibs and apologise to the injured child & parent yourself, don't lay the guilt trip on a 3.5 yo for not wanting a cuddle from a kid who has just hurt her. FFS.

supersupersupershock · 28/01/2015 04:11

Goldenbear '6 months is nothing over 3'

Really? Well how would you explain that when children take the 11 plus entrance exam to Grammar school they are given a weighting because of their age to even out the disadvantage of eg. a July born child against a September born child. Have you not heard of the September advantage?

OP - I haven't read the other replies but personally if my DD did not want to see this child because of child's behaviour I would give them a wide berth.

Chips1999 · 28/01/2015 04:57

I have a similar friend who's lovely, but after a horrible play date I think I've got to keep DS and her son apart. It's such a shame, but it's not fair for DS to always be the one getting hurt. I know what you mean about cuddles in lieu of a spoken apology but I'd take that as at least trying. It's practically impossible to get DS to say sorry, but if he hurts someone I explain to him that hitting hurts and it's not nice.

KatieKaye · 28/01/2015 05:39

The 4 year old was asked to say sorry and refused and the mother quickly dropped it. She definitely refused to apologise.

Original poster
RocketInMyPocket · 28/01/2015 08:01

I think a lot of people think I'm annoyed at the 3 year old, I wasn't.
I was annoyed at her her mother for essentially repeatedly not doing anything

As for the comment I made, I did say I could see where people were coming from regarding the wording of it, but other than that I don't think I'm wrong for saying SOMETHING, when she was basically trying force my dd to cuddle, and make her empathise with her dd, pulling sad faces etc, when I felt her focus should have been trying to get her dd to empathise with mine, as she's just thumped her.
As I said I have a Ds in year 1, and dd in nursery.
I have been to a hell of lot of playgroups/soft play etc so my kids have been hit a fair few times over the course, but I have NEVER encountered this before.
Even when they were babies people would say to their little ones no, be gentle or whatever.
My friend has never in my ear shot said as much as 'don't hit', she'll just say to say sorry, and then not even make her do it.
I'm really surprised so many people think this is acceptable way to deal with it to be honest????

OP posts:
PlumpingUpPartridge · 28/01/2015 08:02

If 6 months makes no difference over the age of 3 then I can stop worrying about my summer-born boys struggling next to their winter-born peers when they start school.

Phew!

PlumpingUpPartridge · 28/01/2015 08:05

Fwiw, I agree with you op. I really hate the 'I have apologised insincerely and now you have to insincerely accept it or YOU'RE the trouble-maker' mindset.

Fuck that. If I'm upset, I am under no obligation to over-act and pretend otherwise.